The best rivalry in college football


Auburn-Alabama: Hate, rednecks, barbecue, $200,000 RVs, hottie southern girls. Now that's LND's kind of party.

College football presents the greatest experience in the world of sport. We know this, without debate, because it’s the only game where 60,000 strangers will join you in a giant parking lot for eight hours to get wasted and throw bags of corn at a piece of wood with a hole in it; where you can ogle 19-year-old undergrad females in various levels of skanky regional gameday garb from the sun dress to the tiny team T; and where you live for the most inane and half-retarded traditions mankind could possibly come up with — be that throwing toilet paper at a giant tree after a win down on The Plains, singing to the world your team plays “where all is bright and gay” while holding the two nearest fans, even if they’re dudes, in The Hook, or just shouting out some overly intricate cheer that was composed back in 1897 and doesn’t even use words that are relevant to the modern English language. (Seriously: Solarex, Solari?)

It’s also the greatest experience in the world of sport because of the rivalries. Rivalries are made from hate, and no sport – save MAYBE English Premier League soccer – can compete with the hate derived in a good college football rivalry. Sure, Raiders-Chiefs might be a decent NFL rivalry, Yankees-Red Sox is a heated MLB rivalry, but when it comes down to it the professional players just don’t really care. If they did, Johnny Damon and Wadey Boggs never would have donned the pinstripes. Can you imagine Colt McCoy in an Oklahoma Sooners uniform? Hell no. I can imagine him enjoying passionate anal sex with Sam Bradford, but he’d treat that wounded man hole with a sodering iron before he ever bled Sooner red. You see, college hate derives from real differences. Big State U versus Small Pretentious College, public versus private, Smart Kid U versus Dumb Fuck Tech. Every college develops a reputation, traditions and habits that are utterly unique and undeniably annoying to the nearest neighboring school. It starts out with some innocent ragging of your rival, and the next thing you know you’re wasted at an ESPN roast shouting “FUCK TOUCHDOWN JESUS” at the head coach of Notre Dame.

And the most genius thing college football does is ball all that hate up almost entirely into one glorious weekend – Rivalry Weekend. The Iron Bowl, the Egg Bowl, the Apple Cup, the Commonwealth Cup, the CIVIL WAR, for godsakes. Awesome! I want to eat a Virginia Tech undergrad and shit him out in the shape of Virginia’s V-Sabres right now.

Army-Navy

You know, I’m tired of national broadcasters telling us we have to respect how great this rivalry is. Grambling-Southern is a great rivalry, too, but it’s still shitty football I don’t feel like watching. And before anyone goes on a “respect the troops” kick, I do respect the troops. I appreciate that they fight for my freedoms, and now I’m going to exorcise my freedom to throw Army-Navy in the same basket as the WNBA – terrible sporting events not on my TV.

Virginia-Virginia Tech

In the ’80s and ’90s, these guys , two of the best coaches in the game, made the Commonwealth Cup great. The game frequently matched two top 25 teams and the intensity was fierce. Then UVA’s guy got too old and this ass face decided to come along, play some chess, stick his face in a fan and lose 8 out of 9 to the Hokies. Not to mention, this problem drinker apparently drove drunk to every head coach interview he ever had because no coordinator that good would ever sit around as No. 2 to a guy with half a face for three decades with no good reason. Anyways, one of the most underrated rivalries in college football turned into Texas-Baylor and now no one cares. But now UVA has this guy. Give it about three years.

USC-Notre Dame

Like Notre Dame football, the importance of this rivalry is nothing more than an illusion propogated by TV. As I mentioned, passion makes a rivalry, and if the dudes and babes of sunny SoCal don’t give a shit about their team, neither should you.

Oregon-Oregon St.

Well, if anything, the Civil War has to have the best name of all rivalry games, and the Ducks versus the Beavers has to be best rivalry matchup of ridiculous mascots.

Ohio St.-Michigan

For years, ESPN had you fooled into thinking this was an amazing game played between elite teams for the highest of stakes. Then Ohio St. kept losing BCS bowl games by 20. Now Michigan is looking like their Smart Kid U brethren and this rivalry is pretty much like me when I’m watching it – in a coma.

Cal-Stanford

The Nerd Bowl! This series has lacked memorable games in recent years, most people hate these schools as the elitist institutions they are, and 95% of the college football fan population would rather fuck a dead pig than watch California football (Seriously, that’s not even a joke. Southerners and Midwesterners are mildly disapproving of fucking dead livestock. But they hate football from California). Alas, The Play (“The Band is on the Field!!!”) is as memorable as it gets and earns this rivalry some points.

Syracuse-UConn

Yes, I’m just fucking with you now

Maryland-Virginia

Sorry, Maryland. No one in Virginia considers you a rival. In fact, no one cares about Maryland. Go bother West Virginia. They’ll burn couches with you.

West Virginia-Pittsburgh

When it comes to pure ignorant, nasty hatefulness among fans, this rivalry is the winner. The Backyard Brawl also generally determines the winner of the Big East. Congratulations! Your rivalry game gets to decide which team gets to embarass the BCS again this year!

Florida St.-Miami

This rivalry is just tantalizing. It was the most dramatic in college football for years and it still feels like these teams should be elite, but the fact is it’s closer to the level of UNC-N.C. State than it is to the glory days of this rivalry in the ’80s and ’90s.

Oklahoma-Texas

Great game, great tradition, but with the crazy intensity of so many Texas games (Texas A&M and Nebraska, for starters), one begins to realize that Longhorn fans are just sick in their heads, think everyone is a rival and would probably sacrifice more than a couple of Mexican illegals for a win over East Texas Tech-El Paso, much less the Sooners.

Auburn-Alabama

For my money, this one takes the cake both historically and right now. Who cares that both teams have hedge funds and law firms running their recruiting slush funds, these teams are basically combining NFL quality play with the immeasurable passion of uneducated, backwoods rednecks that are told from before they can walk that they are, under all circumstances and with no exceptions, to hate anyone wearing the wrong team’s colors. In most rivalries where a family’s two children go to each school, the parents get some cute flag with half of one school’s colors and half of the others. In Alabama, if a son or daughter goes against family tradition, they’re not invited back for Christmas. Carrying some “Family Divided” flag with mixed team colors will make you the victim of a hate crime faster than a black guy wearing a gay pride shirt walking into an Alabama KA frat house.

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College basketball preview


We here at LND love basketball.  We grew up playing it, grew up watching it, and grew up idolizing those who were fortunate enough to play it on television – whether that person be one of the all-time greats like Michael Jordan or just have one of the all-time great names like God Shammgod, creator of the Shammgod.  Our shared love of basketball can only be matched by two things – our respect for any man willing to rock an ironic mustache and our hatred for Duke basketball.

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Dunn’s picks

So it’s college basketball season again. Which marks the start of real ODU sports, real hatred towards anything Duke, and real allegations against another incoming Kentucky frosh. I swear, UK is like the collegiate social worker. Take in the worst cases possible with the idea of a heartfelt conclusion. Unfortunately for Calipari and UK, after so many great turnouts (D Rose, Cousins, Wall, Tyreke Evans) it was bound to backfire eventually. Like Todd Phillips with Due Date. After so many great turnouts (Hangover, Old School, the underrated Starsky & Hutch remake, and an eerily similar premise of comical genius known as Road Trip), he had to miss eventually. Kanter could still join my Wildcats. Just like Galifianakis could still make Due Date continually watchable. Maybe.

Oh, and as far as Duke, I say hate because it’s not like I can have my main wish granted and just have Duke basketball, as a program, completely eliminated. Or, could I!?  Maybe I could hire Dexter to take out each player one by one like Julia Stiles rapists/terrorizers. Oh how nice THAT would be! I can see it now, right before the knife tears through the plastic wrapping I’d make Dexter tell them it’s all because of him! Then my mastermind plan of ridding the sports stratosphere of any recollection of The Shot we will not mention, except here, will commence.  (BTW screw Coach K, that second cheerleader, Mashburn for celebrating, Grant Hill, the announcer, the UK Center who jumped like a kid with MD to block the shot, and THAT BITCH ASS GEORGE HILL!)

Now my picks

SEC– Kentucky (with or without Kanter) I do love Scottie “I got Hops” Hopson though

Big Ten– Michigan St. (With respect to Purdue without Hummel)

Big 12– Kansas St. (Pullen babay!) Although my two-named brother from another, LaceDarius, WILL be back

Pac 10– Washington (w/ the real Isaiah Thomas)

WCC– Zags (No Omar Samhan, no Saint Mary’s)

Big East– Pitt I guess

C-USA– Memphis (although I can’t wait to watch Culpepper and UTEP)

A-10– Richmond (but watch Dayton)

Mountain West– BYU (Fredette all day)

CAA– Let’s GO O.D.U.!

MVC– U Northern Iowa

lastly ACC, and since I am about to slice my hand completely off……..Duke.

Final Four– UK, UNC, Mich St., & Kansas St.

National Champ– UK (with Kanter) or Mich St. (w/out)

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Perron’s Picks

Many of you may recall that I chose Virginia Tech to win the football National Championship this year.  That didn’t work out so well. Well guess what, I was ready to pick the Hokies to win the ACC, but then they lost J.T. Thompson and Allan Chaney for the season and all of VT’s frontcourt depth disappeared.  This is bad news. Very bad news.  What may be even worse news than this for all College Basketabll fans is that the Hokies are ranked (two weeks in a row now so shove it Jay).  The reason this is bad news for College Basketball? There is not one single player on Tech’s current roster that has played in an NCAA Tournament game, they lost two of their top three post players for the season before the season even started, and they are ranked in the preseason.  That tells me there aren’t a whole lot of quality teams out there. That also tells me that another Butler-type team will make a run to the Final Four and the admin assistant who picked her bracket based on which school she would most like to visit will win your annual office pool again.  And now the predictions:

SEC–  Georgia – I also predict that Tennessee will get put on probation before Kentucky because of the shady practices of Mr. Orange Blazer, but his conference will belong to the Bulldogs (watch out for them as a dark horse in the tourney this year).

Big TenMichigan State takes it. My favorite non-Greenberg coach in the nation has to be Bo Ryan because he does the Soulja Boy, but Izzo is probably the best coach.

Big 12Kansas St. ends Kansas’ run of six straight conference titles and Frank Martin makes some poor official crap his pants after he threatens to eat his forehead

Pac 10Washington I guess.  PAC-10 : CBB  ::  Big East : CFB  ::  poop : sandwich

WCCSt. Mary’s – The Zags get no love from me like a Scrub from TLC.  (90’s reference!!!!)

Big EastSyracuse – Wes Johnson wasn’t that great anyway. He can’t even high five.

C-USAUTEP –  Memphis lost their shady coach in Calipari. UTEP hired their shady coach on Tim Floyd. Advantage Miners.

A-10Richmond will make it three teams from the Commonwealth in this year’s tourney and none of them will be associated with Thomas Jefferson.

Mountain WestBYU – How can you not love a guy that willingly goes by Jimmer?

CAAODU lost a nailbiter to Georgetown, but nobody in the CAA can compete with their size.

MVCWichita St. – The Shockers and their creepy mascot are going to “Shock” some people this year. (Pun!!!!!!!)

ACCVirginia Tech – Screw it. You don’t need a big man to win in this league. I also predict Paul Hewitt will get fired for chronically underachieving with top notch talent and Mr. Red Blazer will keep his job despite chronically underachieving with top notch talent and I still won’t be able to spell Kryschefshki.

Final Four– Duke,  Wichita St., Mich St., & Kansas St.

National Champ– Kansas St.

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Jay’s Picks

College basketball has the nearly undisputed greatest postseason in all of American sports. But let’s not overlook the regular season, which is important when you’re a UVA fan and that’s the only place your’e going to see your team play in 2010. Oh, no, here I go again. Why should you waste your 10 minutes of not-paying-attention-to-work time to read about my moderately irrelevant Virginia Cavaliers? Because a new giant is rising, people. It might not happen this season, but Tony Bennett is formulating a plan in Charlottesville so devious, so underhanded, so devilish that only, well, the Devils would do it. The Duke Blue Devils, that is. Tony Bennett, a well spoken white dude who comes off extremely well in the living rooms of rich, pretentious parents of “high IQ” (read: white) basketball recruits, is literally stealing the playbook right from under Coach K’s scrunched ferret nose. The Crooner of the Court isn’t trying to beat UNC, Georgia Tech or Wake Forest for your typical stud ballers with entire entourages and connections to World Wide Wes. UVA isn’t going to win those battles. No, Bennett is going right after Coach K’s sweetspot – really annoying, ugly white dudes who hustle, make the extra pass, try on defense and pray for the day their coach will give them a gold star sticker to put on their notebook for listening to coach better than anyone. Just take a look at four of the six kids from Bennett’s first recruiting class, UVA’s current freshmen.

Will Regan even came from Christian Laettner’s high school alma mater. Thanks for the blueprint, K. First the Hoos will take Duke’s title for most annoying team in the ACC, then we start taking the real titles.

Getting past my Hoos to the portion of the college basketball universe that the other 99% of the U.S. population actually finds relevant, UNC will own Duke this year, but no one else in the ACC will; the Big East will be another all-out brawl among a half dozen almost elites, leading the entire East Coast population of bracket pickers to again get their brackets busted by Big East overhype; the SEC gets a second relevant team for the first time in a few years, but the Pac 10 won’t find one; the Big 12 will have the best top four teams of any conference in the country.

Some interesting story lines to follow:

1. Kansas St. coach Frank Martin won’t beat one of his players this year, but a woman will have him charged with sexual assault after watching a Wildcats game on a 3D television and a stare from coach’s black, souless eyes actually leaves her vagina suffering from second degree burns.

2. After investing $250 million to convince America we should give a shit about mid-major basketball teams like Butler and Gonzaga with an all out, all season marketing campaign including a mid-major highlight in every Sportscenter top 10 all year and a special mid-major segment in every episode of PTI from November to March, not a single team outside of the BCS conferences will make the Elite Eight.

SEC– Florida (even I think it will be Kentucky, but since Kentucky will end up forfeiting all of its wins and titles from the entire Calipari era in about two years, I’m going to go ahead and speed up the process by handing the stripped title to the Gators)

Big Ten– Michigan St.

Big 12– Kansas

Pac 10– Wait, I thought we were only picking champs for leagues that had a chance of getting more than 1 bid?

WCC– Gonzaga

Big East– Syracuse

C-USA– Memphis (although I still feel dirty picking a program that still has Calipari hair grease all over it)

A-10– Temple. It’s not as fun without Chaney threatening to street brawl on Calipari Rocky V style, but the Owls are back.

Mountain West– BYU

CAA– ODU – and, yes, I will sacrifice a pick in my NCAA bracket to pick the Monarchs to win in the first round, just out of 757 pride

MVC– A team with a bunch of white guys that play fundamentally sound and won’t stop trying hard or shotting threes. Uhhh, Northern Iowa.

ACC- Virginia Tech – NOT. Enjoy that one week run in the top 25, Perron. Sadly, it will be the team with this guy:

Final Four– Duke, Pitt, Michigan St., Kansas

National Champ– Michigan St.

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