Tim Tebow — Real American Hero or Giant Douchebag


This debate was infinitely simpler for the last four years. If you were a Florida Gator fan, Tebow was Superman. If you were an evangelical Gator fan, you probably believed Tebow was Jesus, or at least Jesus’ cousin. Otherwise, you thought Tebow was a super douche. The argument was black and white. And ESPN’s anointing of Tebow’s every bowel movement as a nightly top story, joining with Brett Favre and Yankees-Red Sox games as apparently the only meaningful stories in all of sports, only widened the dividing lines further. The Cult of Tebow had a nightly excuse to break from their plans of committing mass suicide the day Timmy left Florida while the haters were forced to stew in their own bitterness watching one Tebow saved a baby kitten story after another.

But now that Tebow is but a humble backup quarterback in the NFL and ESPN is not shoving his smiling face so far up my ass that his dimples tickle my prostate, I wonder if Tebow doesn’t maybe deserve everyone giving him a new look.

Super Douche?

So many of the things that make Tim Tebow a Super Douche are actually the doing of the douchebags that love him so, but we say celebrity and pro athlete fan bases are merely a reflection of their true selves. For example, John Daly is beloved by beer swilling trailer trash throughout tornado alley and Tom Cruise fans are all — well, no one likes Tom Cruise anymore. However, Tebow has done plenty on his own accord to face the charge of douchebaggery, as well.

So with that said, Tim Tebow is a douche because:

* His fans would dare imitate the perfection of Chuck Norris facts with their cheap Tim Tebow facts knockoff. It’s more like Harry Potter fan fiction than Chuck Norris humor. A randomly generated “fact” from timtebowfacts.com — “Tim Tebow invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink.” That’s right Tebow fans; don’t let anyone think your obsession with a 22-year-old buff dude is gay or anything.

* The fact people use Tebow like it’s a first name. Calling an athlete by only his last name is neither original nor clever. But to put an unmistakably douchey mark on Tebow’s resume, fans use his last name in the same overly familiar, I sleep with a doll of my favorite athlete manner that super fans do when they only use their favorite athlete’s first name. Ever have to sit with a Cowboys fan when they talk about how awesome Troy was? Yeah, pretty unbearable.

* ‘The Tebow’ hair cut. Seriously, dude. Try a new look. Joey Lawrence during the Blossom years was the last man that dedicated to his hair’s brand power.

* The pro-life Terry Tate knockoff commercial with mommy. I’m not hating on the pro-life movement, but any athlete earns serious douchebag points when they’re pressing their political or social beliefs on America before their 25th birthday. Is Tebow preaching at us really any less maddening than Sean Penn telling us Hugo Chavez is really a good guy. Seriously, Tim, you’re a quarterback. Just hand the ball off to Knowshon Moreno.

* ‘The Promise.’ The speech was bad enough. In it, Tebow highlighted the douchiest parts of his personality, that he is the sort of freakishly over-intense, ADHD, OCD, mildly autistic dude you should always be slightly worried might stab you just because he doesn’t understand basic social norms. But Florida immortalized this douchebaggery by actually mounting the speech on a plaque on campus like it was one of the Ten Commandments or a Shakespearean monologue or even something original. All the dude said was sorry we lost and we’ll try hard. What the fuck is the big deal? I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!

* Crying. There’s no crying in football, Tim. Particularly when you lose. Take it like a man.

Superhero?

Now that the passions of college football fandom are somewhat in the past, it pains me to say that some of the things Florida Gator fans have seen in Tim Tebow the last four years do make him a pretty legitimately solid guy. Let’s not kid ourselves here, douche or not, there is sparsely a single dude alive today that wouldn’t give up his right to use birth control for the chance to party with Tebow just one night. Rub your balls on Tebow, and girls will mind the stepchildren just in the hope you might sweat Tebow DNA on them.

So the guy can’t be all that bad, and Tim Tebow is not a douche because:

* He saves starving babies. Tim Tebow isn’t a missionary in the Spanish, Cortes convert or I stab your children in the neck sense. He’s more like Mother Teresa with a six pack, carrying scores of babies out of Myanmar and the Sudan so that Madonna or Brangelina can one day adopt them. I’ll give 4:1 odds Tebow ends up like Manute Bol — old, penniless and wrestling bears for money after leaving the NFL because he’s already given everything he’s ever had to buy shoes for naked African ladies.

* He just chills with ridiculously hot chicks day, after day, after day. He’s not like Tony Romo, star fucking B list singers to make sure he’s still a hot commodity on TMZ or Tiger Woods destroying billions in endorsement value by cheating on his wife with IHOP waitress skanks. No, Tebow just gets down with anonymous Southern hotties, making him the South’s Derek Jeter. Good choice, Tim.

* The Friar Tuck cut. See point No. 3 on the douchebag list to understand how truly difficult this must have been for Tebow. The man’s Howie Long spike was as much a part of his legend as his actual football accomplishments. But to allow a hater former Kentucky Wildcat Denver teammate to steal his dignity by shaving his do into the Friar Tuck look as his rookie punishment, and then repping that look for all the world to see just knowing ESPN producers would have an orgasm with a new Tebow story on their hands, is the act of a solid dude. And Dez Bryant wouldn’t even carry his teammates’ pads. Man, suck must be in the water at Cowboys Stadium.

The Verdict

Take him out of the college game, ESPN’s overly obsessive spotlight and away from all those jort wearing Gator fans, and you can kind of see how maybe the haters were a little too hard on him the last four years. It’s not like he’s Greg Paulus or anything, and you did probably just hate him because he was the superstar on a team that dominated college football for most of his four years in school.

Now, he’s getting a fair shake to prove he is who he’s always been. A humble, good natured fellow who has the Christian nation completely fooled into believing that he’s not “ramming it home” and “breaking the plane” on all those hotties he keeps appearing next to on the internet.

I don’t even know what I’m saying. Am I about to give Tim Tebow my personal seal of approval? This goes against every fiber of my being, but until Tebow becomes a star in the NFL (quiet your laughter, please) and ESPN begins its 365 days a year effort to make you despise anything that even rhymes with Tebow (Fuck you, Margaret Cho and Sandra Oh) by putting him in every program from NASCAR2NITE to the Little League World Series, I’m going to have to say Tebow seems like an OK guy.

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