Better Ohio billboard sports smack talk:Rosey TCU or ‘Bronless Cleveland

Considering the oppressive unemployment, crumbling cities affectionately called things like “The Mistake on the Lake,” terrible weather, and defeated people, what better state to waste time and money talking shit via billboards than Ohio?

None, I say, and billboard smacktalk in the Buckeye State has recently attracted a lot of pub to two of Ohio’s bigger sporting embarassments of the past year.

Cleveland: “Oooooh, we’ll get you, LeBron!”

First, the greatest basketball talent, and fourth most caveman-like basketball player (Greg Oden, Sheldon Williams and Joakim Noah, all more caveman-like), alive gathers a national audience to dump all over his home state while taking his talents to South Beach. How might Cleveland enact revenge on the man who single-handedly destroyed the only good thing their city had going for it (outside of the fish from Lake Erie becoming radioactive enough to be used as a uranium substitue in nuclear reactors)? Pee in his drink and smother his food in buttery asshole hairs the first time he dares dine in Cleveland, you say? Hire a French transvestite prostitute to give LeBron chlamydia? No, no, no. People with hopelessly crushed spirits and 50% high school drop out rates don’t get revenge, they get billboard space.

I give Cleveland credit for being smart enough to go after LeBron’s enormous ego. It had to hurt ‘Bron when his hoops holyness, Michael Jordan, more or less said “The King” was more like Dwayne Wade’s eunuch for going to Miami, and Cleveland was trying to drive that knife a little deeper.  The only problem with that strategy was the inevitable answer with the Cleveland Cavaliers sad “Bronless roster: How does it feel to be 8-28 (the worst record in the NBA), because 29-9 is feeling pretty nice?

TCU: Proving Gordon Gee right, the Big Ten are the little sisters of the poor, too

Football people are allowed to say stupid things. We pay them to play football, and coach football, not to read Socrates and Nietzsche. However, university presidents are supposed to be smart, and we expect them to contain themselves from verbal diarreah of the kind Ohio St. President E. Gordon Gee decided to unleash one fine November afternoon while trying to politik his school’s one-loss Buckeyes football team ahead of undefeated non-BCS outsiders Boise St. and TCU. Gee called out those schools bona fides by saying they achieve their lofty records by beating up on “the little sisters of the poor” — like Ohio, Marshall, Eastern Michigan, Indiana and Minnesota (Oh wait, that was Ohio St.’s schedule).

Despite giving Gee and the Ohio St. nation (a pompous group of ignorant douchebags that have been spouting Gee’s philosphy for years while getting pummeled in BCS title games) the ultimate up yours by setting themselves up to finish No. 2 in the final BCS poll, winning the Big Ten’s most hallowed game (The Rose Bowl), and beating the only team to beat Ohio St. all year (Wisconsin), Horned Frogs fans wanted more. And how else to complete the perfect revenge on Ohio St.’s own home turf? You got it this time: billboards. More than a dozen of them, all around Colombus.

Despite a nice Sugar Bowl win against the fourth best team in the SEC East (seriously, you want to tell me Arkansas is better than Auburn, Alabama or LSU?), there’s no doubt the only thing the Buckeyes wanted more than a shot at the BCS title was the Rose Bowl. Instead, some clever mystery TCU fan has provided an inescapable reminder that the Horned Frogs are now the team that took defending Rose Bowl champ Ohio St.’s Rose Bowl title from them, and they did it without ever yielding to the temptation to say, “Fuck you, Gee.” Nicely done.

So which is better?

Well, my billboard, of course.

But if I had to go with a real billboard, I’d have to go with TCU. It’s clean, understated (despite being blazoned across a 50-foot electric billboard), clever and, most importantly, effective because they actually finished on top. (Although, I probably would have gone with a horned frog shooting eye blood in Gee’s mouth)

Cleveland, on the other hand, had to try and get back at LeBron. He did after all, not only take his talents, but about $200 million per year of economic impact away from a recession ravaged city. However, the billboard just ads to the sore loser rap the city has already gotten. Miami is approaching greatness and the Cavaliers are approaching pathetic. LeBron made the right choice. Yeah, he grew up in Ohio, but he didn’t grow up a Cleveland Cavalier. When LeBron is an aging, overpaid superstar with a bad contract one day, he’s going to get cut like a bad hairdo. Cleveland owner Dan Gilbert would have done it too, because it’s a business to everyone involved but the fans. You’ve got to feel bad for Cleveland fans losing their hero, but I also feel bad that they couldn’t even come up with a photoshop of LeBron in some Robin tights to go on their Sidekick billboard.


Lamest college mascot (Non-BCS FBS schools edition)

Note: In researching terrible mascots, the plethora of available options is just too much to resist stretching this feature out to a four-parter. Take a look at our BCS post and keep an eye out for the FCS and DivII / DivIII editions. Keep voting as the winners of the 4 posts will face off in an ultimate lame mascot challenge.

Before moving on to the FBS schools that don’t get a chance to take home the National Championship, as a Virginia Tech alum I cannot resist the urge to pontificate on that new UVA mascot.  Though it may not be one of the 5 worst BCS mascots, it is definitely in the top ten.This is so bad it needs some quickfire jokes, Daniel Tosh style. Let’s put 20 seconds on the clock:  Is that a horse, a hippo or a California Raisin?  Some kid called, and he wants his Thing Hands back.  Mascots can’t resemble Native Americans anymore, but this proves the NCAA thinks it is fine for your mascot to dress in blackface.  Is that logo ironed on or is it just a sticker?  He’s ready for the upcoming 90’s frat party – he already put on his MC Hammer pants.   I’m pretty sure The Hoo crapped this out in 1983 and it just recently escaped from the sewers of Charlottesville where it has been living a life of solitude, prostituting itself out to drunken frat guys and feeding on the blood of the homeless.

Now that I have that out of my system, I present LND’s lamest mascots from non-BCS Football Bowl Subdivision schools.

5. Akron’s Zippy the Kangaroo

When you have a nondescript nickname like the Zips, your mascot can be whatever you want it to be.  Akron could have gone with a lion, tiger, bear, eagle, gorilla, or any number of menacing mascots.  They also could have gone for a local theme, and since Akron is known as the “Rubber Capital of the World”, my vote would have been for a giant condom.  Instead, they went with this far from intimidating Kangaroo.  On Zippy’s website, he claims his favorite food is stadium hot dogs.  Something tells me that is not the only kind of sausage Zippy enjoys.

4. Middle Tennessee State’s Lightning

MTSU’s sports teams are known as the Blue Raiders, so logically their mascot is a Pegasus. They got the blue part down, as that thing looks like Papa Smurf should be riding in on it.  As a Pegasus, he uses his wings to fly.  That means the only thing the cape could possibly be for is his weekend job performing magic at birthday parties. TA-DA!

3. Louisiana-Lafayette’s Cayenne

The Ragin’ Cajuns of Louisiana Lafayette have a long history of bad mascots including the drunken Cajun Man and the even more drunken Cajun Chicken, but in an effort to outdo themselves they came up with this atrocity.  As if the pepper to the left wasn’t bad enough, the university felt the need to share the image to the right of what Cayenne looks like when he takes the football jersey off.  That angry dragon turd is going to haunt my dreams.

2. Tulsa’s Captain ‘Cane

The Tulsa Golden Hurricane felt the need to justify this ridiculous superhero getup by actually giving him a back-story and some super powers. Apparently, the Captain “carries a hurricane-summoning sword, energy-sourcing thunder boots, lightning bolt blaster gloves and a wind-current flying cape.”  Even the super-lame Captain Planet had better superpowers than that.  It must be awfully hard to fly with those huge cement blocks for feet. And nothing lets people know you are a superhero quite like that inverted soul patch on his forehead.  They would have been better off with Captain Crunch as their mascot.

1. TCU’s SuperFrog

As discussed in a previous LND post, a horned frog is actually a lizard that can squirt blood from its eyes.  Somehow TCU manages to take the bloody eye lizard and make it even less kid friendly.  It looks like the weird love child of the Predator and Felix the Cat.  When you add the fact that SuperFrog is like 8 feet tall, there isn’t a preteen in the world that will go within 20 feet of this creature.  I do enjoy that Felix the Predator takes his fashion tips from Doug Flutie, however. Nice belly shirt, SuperFrog. Nice belly shirt, indeed.

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