Best Thing about the Super Bowl

Super Bowl Sunday is almost here and LND is here to tell you exactly how the first 10 minutes of the game will go – while everyone is talking about how badly Christina Aguilera butchered the National Anthem there will be a coin toss that the Packers will win and all of their fans in the crowd will go crazy.  The Steelers will kick off to the Packers and then half of the people at your Super Bowl party will immediately lose interest in the game and begin to talk about how good the cheese dip is or whether it’s funnier to call him “Rapelisberger” or “Rapistberger”.  More people will stop watching the game as the Packers drive for the next couple minutes before they punt the ball away and then when basically nobody at the party other than the people wearing Polamalu or Rodgers jerseys are paying attention this will happen: An extremely feminine voice (note – could be a female or could belong to an effeminate male) will shout “Everyone be quiet, the commercials are starting.”

LND is here to warn you – don’t be that lady voice.  You know why? Because the commercials suck.  They suck a big ol’ fat one.  Nobody else cares.  What’s the last Super Bowl commercial you can remember? It was the Bud-Weis-Er frogs and in retrospect that crap wasn’t funny either. In 1995 the commercials were funny because streaming video on the internet had not yet been invented and neither had DVRs. If you want to watch funny 30 second video clips go in the other room and watch YouTube or Funny or Die.  You’ll stop annoying everyone else at the party and the clips won’t be trying to sell you things you don’t need or already buy anyway. Here are four things you should be enjoying instead of watching Rapistberger, Ray Lewis and Justin Tuck dance with a lizard.

Food – The Super Bowl is the only day of the year where you can show up somewhere with a bag of chips and a jar of salsa, and in exchange eat chicken wings, seven layer dip, pizza, potato chips, chick-fil-a nugget trays, nachos, bean dip, veggies, hamburgers, hot dogs, baked beans, and a 10 foot long submarine sandwich. It is also the only day of the year you might get a chance to eat a football stadium made of twinkies, chips, and slim jims.

Beer – I don’t think an explanation is needed.

Prop Bets – If you don’t know what a prop bet is prepare to get hooked. These things are amazing.  Since there is only one game to bet on this day, Vegas needed more ways to generate cash flow in their sports books so they came up with bets on pretty much any aspect of the game you can think of and cross-action bets between the game and other sports.  These range from obvious ones like which team will score first and who will be the game’s MVP down to one’s you would have to be insane to bet on like who will win the coin toss.  Here are my favorite prop bets for this years game (note – you can actually wager money on all of these).

1. How long will Christina Aguilera hold the note “Brave” at the end of the National Anthem – over/under 6 seconds?  I’ll take the Over

2. Will there be a score in the first 3min 30 seconds of the 1st quarter? No way

3. How Many Times will FOX show Jerry Jones on TV during the Game – over/under 2.5?  I say Under

4. How Many Times will FOX mention “Brett Favre” on TV during the Game – over/under 2.5? I say Way Over

5. Who will the FOX announcers say has better hair on TV during the Game – Troy Polamalu or Clay Matthews? – I’ll go with Polamalu

6. What Color will the Gatorade be that is dumped on the Head Coach of the Winning Super Bowl Team? – yellow is the favorite at 3/2 odds closely followed by water. I’ll take the long shot on Red at 15/2 odds

7. Will a current NFL Player be arrested during Super Bowl Week? I’ll say Yes

8. Blake Griffin (LAC) Total Rebounds against Miami Heat (+7.5)vs. Pittsburgh Steelers Total Points – I’ll take the Steelers points

9. Rajon Rondo (BOS) Total Points + Assists against Orlando Magic vs. Green Bay Packers Total Points – I’ll take the Packers points

10. Will Fergie be dressed as a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader at any point during the Halftime show? I hate Fergie

The Game Itself – People will try to tell you that the Super Bowl is always a blow out.  Over the last 7 seasons the average margin of victory in the Super Bowl is 7 points. That’s only 1 score. These games have been great recently.  Stop pretending it’s 1995 again.  The people who tell you the game sucks are the same jerks trying to shush people during the commercials. Just punch them in the ear and then enjoy what will be the last football game you get to watch until September.


Super Bowl Picks

Jay’s Pick

Sorry, Cowboys fans. As much as you may want to believe Jesus is from Nacogdoches and that he will bless what you still think is America’s Team with a Super Bowl title in that only-in-Texas-sized Roman Coliseum of a stadium, a roster more like a cast of The Surreal Life is going to make sure the only title Big D wins this year is Best Reality Program at the Emmy’s. That monolithic mockery of recession-hit taxpayers known as Cowboys Stadium is kind of like a Jerry Jones facelift — things might look new on the outside, but it’s still nothing but garbage on the inside.

Instead, Green Bay, the real America’s Team, is going to represent the NFC in Super Bowl XLV. Aaron Rodgers is primed to become the No. 2 source of all wet dreams for fantasy football dorks, right behind fantasies of being a pair of underwear in Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen’s dresser. Combine that with a good-enough running game and a defense so disruptive even Imodium AD can’t stop it and the Packers are finally ready to exorcize the Brett Favre demons. Favre got his revenge against the Packers last year, but, if you think about it, why did the man even feel justified in wanting revenge? The man retired more times than Jay-Z and then got mad when the Packers wanted to put in the new Kanye CD? If anyone was wronged in the whole Favre-Packers divorce, it was Rodgers, and the universe’s sense of balance and justice clearly dictates that the student will surpass the teacher in 2010. That is why the Packers will be packing for a trip to Big D, and the fact ESPN clearly fixes the Super Bowl to get the most attractive storylines anyway, which is why New Orleans has no chance. No one likes an inspirational sequel. Why do you think there was no Forrest Gump 2? You can only stomach so much success for lovably underprivileged Southerners.

Over in the AFC, go ahead and eat commemorative coins for any of about six teams, and whichever you crap out first you may as well make your Super Bowl pick. The Jets, Patriots, Steelers, Ravens, Colts and Chargers all have a legit shot. Peyton Manning and the Colts are the safe pick; the Jets, at least according to Rex Ryan, who apparently is under a curse to constantly use his mouth for feeding his fat face or saying stupid shit at all times, are the trendy pick; the Steelers are undefeated in Super Bowls following offseasons in which Ben Roethlisberger faced allegations of rape; and Patriots’ sex muffin Brady and the Ravens’ defense are destined to mount one last great swansong before they’re mothballed to ESPN analyst and Rachel Nichols gang bang duty. But I’m taking the Chargers now that the most underperforming team of the decade is ready to emerge from LT’s shadow. Don’t get me wrong, Ladanian Tomlinson seemed like a great guy, but kind of in the way your neighbor seemed like a great guy until the cops showed up at his house one night and arrested him for having a 14-year-old girl chained up in a secret room under his garage. Shawne Merriman will have found a new way to cheat the league’s PED testing and will lead a resurgent defense.

Plus, Phillip Rivers is the biggest dick in the NFL and the perfect villain to Rodgers’ hero role. The Packers edge the Chargers in a battle of the best two uniforms in the NFL, but Jerry Jones won’t see a single play as he recovers at a post-op spa in Las Vegas following surgery to remove the bags under his eyes that he developed after firing fat Wade Phillips in Week 7 of the regular season.

Super Bowl: Green Bay Packers 27, San Diego Chargers 21

NFC Playoff Teams: Eagles, Vikings, Saints, 49ers, Wildcards: Packers, Falcons

AFC Playoff Teams: Patriots, Ravens, Colts, Chargers, Wildcards: Texans, Jets


Perron’s Pick

Everybody may have a different idea about who will play in the Super Bowl, and why not?  After all, the NFL prides itself on parity and teams coming out of nowhere each year like the 1998 Falcons, 1999 Rams, or even last years under-the-radar Super Bowl champion Saints.  But if there is one thing we can all agree on it has to be the fact that the media hype machine makes the two week break leading up to the big game completely unbearable. They run out of stuff to say, and begin to go completely over the top with it like Antoine Dodson the ghetto witness, then remix the same story over and over until we all want to hide our kids, hide our wives and cut ourselves off from all media.  So here is my list of Super Bowl contenders with possible media storylines we will grow tired of hearing and why they won’t make it.

Saints: After Drew Brees goes down with an injury, his mole steps up to finish third in the NFL in QB rating and lead the defending champs back to the big game. Too much offseason partying.

Packers: Aaron Rodgers is suspended for the game after beating the Vikings in the NFC Championship, then taking a dump in Favre’s helmet to prove once and for all he should have been starting years ago. Too much residual Favre bitterness.

49ers: Due to the success of Mike Singletary’s pants-dropping halftime speech, he will coach the superbowl in his boxers.  Too much Alex Smith.

Vikings: Favre debates whether to come back for another season, says he doesn’t know if he can live without Jared Allen, and their shared affinity for jean shorts. Too much indecision.

Cowboys: Jerry Jones battles through his botox injections to actually do something that resembles not smiling. Too much Romo choking in big moments.

Giants: The one NFC contender with no real storylines, therefore they are my NFC Super Bowl pick.

Patriots: Tom Brady’s part Justin Beiber/part mullet haircut sweeps the nation, even catching on with a certain Late Night Debates author.  Too old to survive 19 games.

Jets: Antonio Cromartie just remembered he had 3 other kids and actually remembers two of their names.  Too much hype, too much trash talking, too little good quarterbacking.

Steelers: Ghetto witness Antoine Dodson found the person he was looking for and it turns out is was Big Ben.  Too many offensive line injuries, too many inappropriate sexual advances.

Ravens: Not to be outdone by Sandra Bullock, Brad and Angelina adopt the other four members of the Ravens offensive line. Too old on defense.

Colts: The one AFC contender with no real storylines, therefore they are my AFC Super Bowl Pick.

So there you have it – Giants vs. Colts. We will be spared from nagging storylines for the firs – wait a minute. This is the worst case scenario – Manning vs. Manning for the crown. This is likely to lead to 85% of the commercials shown during a game featuring one of the two starting QBs, and 14% featuring their dad Archie. might even run an add featuring Cooper Manning throwing footballs to scantily clad women.  This is a complete media apocalypse waiting to happen. Take my warning now – hide yo kids, hide yo wives. The Mannings gon find you.  They gon find you.

Super Bowl: Colts 31, Giants 24

NFC Playoff Teams: Giants, Packers, Falcons, 49ers, Wildcards: Saints, Eagles

AFC Playoff Teams: Patriots, Ravens, Colts, Chargers, Wildcards: Bengals, Dolphins

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