NFL Playoff/Super Bowl picks

OK, so these preseason predictions don’t look so hot right now.  That is the glory of prognostication, all you have to do is make up an excuse for why your picks didn’t work out and guess again – just ask weathermen.  So here is the new, improved, and this time 100% accurate Super Bowl predictions.  How can all three of us be 100% accurate when we have different picks?  This is about football, not addition so all you mathletes will just have to get over it.

Perron’s Picks

True story – before the season started I very, very badly wanted to pick the Colts vs. Falcons as my Super Bowl prediction.  The reason I didn’t is that in LND’s College Football Preview I picked Virginia Tech to play in the National Championship game.  Before we even wrote the NFL post VT had lost to Boise and their title hopes were done.  After that debacle I felt as if there was no way I could do a homer pick again and choose my beloved Falcons to make the Super Bowl even though I thought at the time they would.  I instead went with the Giants and Eli Manning who just threw another interception while playing Madden in his basement.  What did I learn from this? Three things –  That I should go ahead and put down what I really think is going to happen despite my rooting interests, that if I pick my favorite team to win they will lose so I should avoid picking the Falcons at all costs now, and that Eli Manning is the worst QB that ever somehow managed to win a Super Bowl.  Here are my picks based on other things I have learned this football season:

Wildcard Weekend

New Orleans 34, Seattle 17 – because I learned the NFC West can be won by a team that prominently features Clipboard Jesus himself, Charlie Whitehurst.

Indianopolis 31, NY Jets 21 – because I learned that smart QBs like Tom Brady can completely pick apart this Jets defense that relies on too many blitzes. Peyton destroys blitzes.  And rumor has it that the Colts are making their cheerleaders go barefoot in an attempt to distract Rex Ryan.

Kansas City 21, Baltimore 17 – because I learned that every time you count the Chiefs out they surprise you and because I learned Ray Lewis likes to lather himself up and ride giant birds.

Philadelphia 31, Green Bay 28 – because I learned what Vick can do to Green Bay after Kolb got concussed in week 1.  And because Tucker Carlson is a douche.

Divisional Round

Pittsburgh 31, Indy 17 – because I learned if you hurt dogs like Vick you stay in the news every week for years but if you hurt women like Roethlisberger it tends to be forgotten after about 2 months. And also because Indy’s defense can only stop one dimensional teams like the Jets.

Atlanta 24, New Orleans 21 – because the Falcons learned they can’t play so conservative on offense from that Monday night game a couple weeks ago.  At least I learned that’s what I hope the Falcons learned.

Chicago 35, Philadephia 28 – because I learned Vick has taken a lot of hits this year.  He got an unofficial bye last week but the Packers will beat him up again and the Bears will treat him like Kanye West’s security guards going after the paparazzi.

New England 42, Kansas City14 – because I learned Tom Brady wears UGGs.

Conference Championships

Atlanta 17, Chicago 10 – because I learned the Falcons have a coaching staff that won’t be dumb enough to kick it to Devin Hester.  Right?  Right? RIGHT?!? Please Mike Smith, tell me that I am right.

New England 42, Pittsburgh 14 – because I learned Stetson stars Tom Brady.

Super Bowl

Atlanta 28, New England 24 – because I learned Tom Brady has a thing for baby goats.  And because I apparently still have a lot to learn.

Jay’s Picks

Before making my predictions for these 2011 NFL playoffs, I would first like to thank the Green Bay Packers for pulling out a miserable week 17 win at home against an only modestly interested Chicago Bears team so that at least one of my picks to make the Super Bowl actually made the playoffs. Here’s to magical runs by No. 6 seeds to the Super Bowl.
NFC Wild Card weekend
No. 3 Philadelphia 27, No. 6 Green Bay 21
Or not. Green Bay destroyed the Kevin Kolbles in Week 1, but anyone who bothered to keep watching that game by the time Michael Vick was put in knows a near-dominant Packers D had absolutely zero answer for the conVick. The football has looked as natural as a giant bong in Vick’s hands this season and, even though the luster has faded from a near-MVP season in the last couple weeks, next year’s biggest first round fantasy football draft mistake has enough left in the tank to run away from Packer defenders like his younger brother runs from cops.
No. 5 New Orleans 38, No. 4 Seattle 5
I cannot tell you how crestfallen I am that Charlie Whitehurst will not be starting at quarterback for the pathetic Seahawks. Matt Hasselback, sir, you have destroyed my material. Your punishment – starting at quarterback for the pathetic Seahawks.
NFC Divisional Round
No. 1 Atlanta 17, New Orleans 16
Atlanta’s reward for winning the NFC by a two game margin? The second best team in the NFC, the reigning Super Bowl champs and the NFC’s best quarterback in the divisional round. At this point in his career, Matty Ice is a terribly misleading nickname for Matt Ryan (although that 14-13 comeback win at Boston College denying the Hokies a shot at the national title was nice) and an insult to the greatest hobo beer to ever see the shelves of your local Quickie Mart, but the Falcons D is underrated and I just don’t see them exiting the playoffs without winning at least one.
No. 2 Chicago 19, No. 3 Philadelphia 14
What’s the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? Vick’s stick. Ok, that doesn’t make any sense. But if Michael Vick had fought Palins instead of pit bulls, he would be known today as the creator of the most popular reality show of all time instead of a convicted felon. All that said, the Eagles are definitely a little off. The Packers are a better team than the Bears, but Vick has their number. The Bears surprise when the Eagles put up a stinker.
NFC Championship
No. 1 Atlanta 24, No. 2 Chicago 20
Neither of these teams are that impressive, but they’ve managed to win a lot of games. If you like really boring, unspectacular teams with slightly goofy quarterbacks and 9 minute scoring drives, this one’s for you.
AFC Wild Card weekend
No. 6 New York Jets 24, No. 3 Indianapolis 18
Yes, I’m aware I’m picking against Peyton Manning at home. Yes, I’m aware the 2010-11 Jets have been the most overrated sports team possibly ever. But for some reason, and I can’t explain why, when the fat man speaks, I listen. As long as Sexy Rexy is rubbing on his wife’s feet like a crystal ball and predicting Jets Super Bowl victories, I’m behind him (which of course means you will most certainly not be seeing me).
No. 5 Baltimore 27, No. 4 Kansas City 14
Kansas City has managed to stay surprisingly respectable all year and I actually thought about picking them in this game, but those who cannot defeat the Oakland Raiders in two tries do not win playoff games. By the way, did anyone notice the Raiders went 6-0 in the AFC West? If this were college football, the Raiders would be the NFL’s UConn.
AFC Divisional Round
No. 1 New England 38, New York Jets 10
Ok, so I lied. Rex Ryan will personally guarantee his team’s victory or promise to give back his 2010 salary, and Tom Brady will be asking Sexy Rexy if he would be willing to donate that salary to Giselle’s favorite charity by halftime.
No. 2 Pittsburgh 24, No. 5 Baltimore 21
Game of the playoffs right here. You won’t even want to watch football again after this game. A) Nothing will feel the same after seeing the hardest played, hardest hitting game in modern NFL history. B) You won’t be able to stomach the sport anymore after Ray Lewis loses an arm and then throws it to make a tackle on Rashard Mendenhall, only to be one-upped when Troy Polamalu elects to continue playing after most of his brain matter is ripped from his skull when he and TJ Houshmanzadeh’s locks become entangled in an inseparable ball of nappyness.
AFC Championship
No. 1 New England 30, Pittsburgh 17
I say: An-ti, You say: Cli-mac-tic. Steelers have nothing left and probably didn’t have enough anyways.
Super Bowl

New England 34, Atlanta 20
It’s a classic team of destiny, folks. Atlanta keeps it close for a while, but the Dirty Birds v.2.0 go the way of Jamal Anderson’s knees in the second half. No one is stopping Brady from righting the wrong of the lost perfect season this year.
Dunn’s Picks
The die-hard Bills fan in me could truly give not a shit, not two shits, but could give a Dirty Sanchez about the playoffs. I mean, this makes me want to take a dump on the playoffs like the one that chick Biggie Smalls was hollering at wanted on her chest. So after I shit’s on the playoffs, I’ll see you guys in June where my Bills will do whatever is necessary in order to grab Andrew Luck. What! Come again. He’s going back to school!!!? Welp, we need help on the D-Line anyways and there’s always next year. Screw you Luck, I hope you become un-Luck-y and pull a Matt Leinart and suck for eternity!  Whew. Sorry ’bout that. Let’s debate some NFL Playoff results shall we. 

NFC Wildcard

Eagles 24 Packers 20
Every ounce of me knows that this pick is wrong, but since Vick is from home, I’m riding the conVick (as Jay calls him) wagon. I’ve heard analysts tear apart his weak showings the last couple of weeks, and attribute an upset to the Packers changing things up. Well it’s a good thing Vick lives in Nomediaville, where everyone gets their news from hearsay. Unfortunately for CheeseHead Nation we all know that Nomediaville does not exist, and real media does. In the end, Vick will also alter his game, leaving the Packers to do, well,  just that. Or will they? 
Saints 35 Seahawks -7
No, you saw that right. They will most certainly manage to lose points, causing them to not only get shut out, but get negatived (I just trademarked that) in the process. Can never happen you say? To that I answer, you’re right, until now. 
Divisional Round

Falcons 21 Saints 13
 The only parallel I can truly think of to show how the Falcons want to prove they can win without Vick is to compare it to Americans love for something new and fresh. A perfect example of this would be the way most are fawning over a homeless, ex radio host, who squandered his livelihood on drugs, booze, and whores, only to be rediscovered and offered, gasp!, a new radio hosting gig! The Falcons REALLY want to win. The Saints LITERALLY have me in their backfield. And for what it’s worth, he GENUINELY does have an amazing voice. 
Pack-les 31 Bears 13
We all know Cutler is more erratic than a 73-year-old man’s prostate. I can’t help but to seem a bit clairvoyant in foreseeing the turnover laced debacle Cutler puts up for the Bears. At home no less. No good. Because of this, the Green-Philly Pack-les, with their blonde locked LB’s, and their cannon for an arm, light’s out QB simply will easily have enough to stop any Hester runback. 
NFC Championship

Falcons 21 Eag-ers 17
I think the determination of Arthur Blank to prove he made the right decision in letting Vick go for Matt Ryan will BLOW UP IN HIS F-ING FACE! Viva Vick! Viva Virginia! Viva THE WORLD!
AFC Wildcard

Peyton’s 30 J.E.T.S Jets JEts JETS 17
Lady Dunn is a die-hard Jets fan. I am a die-hard Peyton fan. I win. But we all lose for having the audio from Rex Ryan’s foot fetish video on repeat in our head’s every time I see anything Jets or, any feet. You pop an animated plane with shoes on me and I’m heading for the hills. 
Ravens 28 Chiefs 24
I do believe I’m alone in my principles when declaring that although the Chiefs won a depleted West, and they may be without their top offensive weapon (Bowe, not Charles), and their running back(Charles) did play six divisional games against defenses that would have let the Annexation of Puerto Rico work on them, they just might make a game of it. Or, Ray Lewis and Ed Reed will end all hopes.
Divisional Round

Pats 21 Ravens 20
Brady displays a little of that Bieber flare leading a dramatic 2 minute drill for the ages. Ray Lewis will just miss the sack and Ed Reed will just miss the pick as, wait for it, Randy Moss scores the game winner. This psychic mask is beginning to look quite good on me.  
Manning’s 27 Roethlis-rapists 24
In another tight one Peyton manages to escape the dreamy locks of Polamalu (who, after seeing him play live, is THE best defensive ball hawk I’ve seen since my boy Bruce!) and the won’t-take-no-for-an-answer Big? Ben’s grasp to overcome the blistery conditions of Heinz field and get the win. Setting up……..
AFC Championship

Pats 45 Colts 20
No you read that correctly. I have watched Tom Brady and his gang of forgottens dismantle ever nigg…screech!! Sorry I forgot we live in an era where we change history. Sorry. Dismantle every slave(wink, wink Mark Twain) that came in their path this season. This won’t change here. That damn hair has made Brady invincible!
Super Bowl

Pats 42 Falcons 21
As they look to match the 1993 ‘Boys massacre of my beloved Bills, the Patriots show no mercy and Brady makes up for the that undefeated season slip up. Yay, predictable game!


Weirder Foot Fetish – Rex Ryan or Robert Pattinson?

Everyone has their own weird quirks and fetishes.  In fact, LND just assumes that all of our neighbors enjoy some kind of weird kinky thing whether it be whips and chains, rusty trombones, hot carls, supermans, or a good old fashioned tickle of the rusty sheriff’s badge.  The good part about these fetishes, though, is that they occur in the privacy of one’s own home.  This, unfortunately is not the case with everyone. Some people just never learned to keep their fetish to themselves which makes it fair game for a blog.  Decide for yourself which of these two public domain foot fetishes is the weirdest:

Rex Ryan

The picture to the left is a still taken from a video on YouTube posted by user “ihaveprettyfeet”.  There is a whole series of these videos where an unseen cameraman approaches ihaveprettyfeet and compliments, touches, and even smells the “pretty feet”.  Very creepy.  Very, very creepy stuff.  The photo on the right is of New York Jets coach Rex Ryan with his wife Michelle.  That certainly appears to be the same lady in both photos.  There are a lot of other details that would link the two over on Deadspin that LND is not going to go into here, because the only proof we need is that Big Rex refused to deny the allegations that this is his wife.  Rex Ryan likes feet and he is not afraid to let everyone on YouTube know it.  I bet he is going to spend Christmas morning sucking some barbecue sauce off those little piggies.

Robert Pattinson

Sorry TwiHards – Edward’s Anaconda don’t want none, if you got Bunions.  Vampire lovers everywhere will argue, very fairly, that the above photo is a still taken from his role in one of the Harry Potter films. But that doesn’t account for Pattinson admitting that he thinks “Kristen Stewart’s best asset is her feet”. Two pieces of evidence is no mere coincidence.  Clearly, Cedric Diggory enjoyed having the dark lord’s foot all up on his face.  Rumor has it…wait, he’s British… Rumour has it that he kept deliberately blinking and coughing during this scene so they would have to do another take.  You are just gonna have to face it – the guy likes feet, and resembles a troll doll.  All the TwiGirls and TwiGuys out there better run to your local Korean beauty salon and get that pedicure you’ve been putting off.

%d bloggers like this: