Super Bowl Picks

Jay’s Pick

Sorry, Cowboys fans. As much as you may want to believe Jesus is from Nacogdoches and that he will bless what you still think is America’s Team with a Super Bowl title in that only-in-Texas-sized Roman Coliseum of a stadium, a roster more like a cast of The Surreal Life is going to make sure the only title Big D wins this year is Best Reality Program at the Emmy’s. That monolithic mockery of recession-hit taxpayers known as Cowboys Stadium is kind of like a Jerry Jones facelift — things might look new on the outside, but it’s still nothing but garbage on the inside.

Instead, Green Bay, the real America’s Team, is going to represent the NFC in Super Bowl XLV. Aaron Rodgers is primed to become the No. 2 source of all wet dreams for fantasy football dorks, right behind fantasies of being a pair of underwear in Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen’s dresser. Combine that with a good-enough running game and a defense so disruptive even Imodium AD can’t stop it and the Packers are finally ready to exorcize the Brett Favre demons. Favre got his revenge against the Packers last year, but, if you think about it, why did the man even feel justified in wanting revenge? The man retired more times than Jay-Z and then got mad when the Packers wanted to put in the new Kanye CD? If anyone was wronged in the whole Favre-Packers divorce, it was Rodgers, and the universe’s sense of balance and justice clearly dictates that the student will surpass the teacher in 2010. That is why the Packers will be packing for a trip to Big D, and the fact ESPN clearly fixes the Super Bowl to get the most attractive storylines anyway, which is why New Orleans has no chance. No one likes an inspirational sequel. Why do you think there was no Forrest Gump 2? You can only stomach so much success for lovably underprivileged Southerners.

Over in the AFC, go ahead and eat commemorative coins for any of about six teams, and whichever you crap out first you may as well make your Super Bowl pick. The Jets, Patriots, Steelers, Ravens, Colts and Chargers all have a legit shot. Peyton Manning and the Colts are the safe pick; the Jets, at least according to Rex Ryan, who apparently is under a curse to constantly use his mouth for feeding his fat face or saying stupid shit at all times, are the trendy pick; the Steelers are undefeated in Super Bowls following offseasons in which Ben Roethlisberger faced allegations of rape; and Patriots’ sex muffin Brady and the Ravens’ defense are destined to mount one last great swansong before they’re mothballed to ESPN analyst and Rachel Nichols gang bang duty. But I’m taking the Chargers now that the most underperforming team of the decade is ready to emerge from LT’s shadow. Don’t get me wrong, Ladanian Tomlinson seemed like a great guy, but kind of in the way your neighbor seemed like a great guy until the cops showed up at his house one night and arrested him for having a 14-year-old girl chained up in a secret room under his garage. Shawne Merriman will have found a new way to cheat the league’s PED testing and will lead a resurgent defense.

Plus, Phillip Rivers is the biggest dick in the NFL and the perfect villain to Rodgers’ hero role. The Packers edge the Chargers in a battle of the best two uniforms in the NFL, but Jerry Jones won’t see a single play as he recovers at a post-op spa in Las Vegas following surgery to remove the bags under his eyes that he developed after firing fat Wade Phillips in Week 7 of the regular season.

Super Bowl: Green Bay Packers 27, San Diego Chargers 21

NFC Playoff Teams: Eagles, Vikings, Saints, 49ers, Wildcards: Packers, Falcons

AFC Playoff Teams: Patriots, Ravens, Colts, Chargers, Wildcards: Texans, Jets


Perron’s Pick

Everybody may have a different idea about who will play in the Super Bowl, and why not?  After all, the NFL prides itself on parity and teams coming out of nowhere each year like the 1998 Falcons, 1999 Rams, or even last years under-the-radar Super Bowl champion Saints.  But if there is one thing we can all agree on it has to be the fact that the media hype machine makes the two week break leading up to the big game completely unbearable. They run out of stuff to say, and begin to go completely over the top with it like Antoine Dodson the ghetto witness, then remix the same story over and over until we all want to hide our kids, hide our wives and cut ourselves off from all media.  So here is my list of Super Bowl contenders with possible media storylines we will grow tired of hearing and why they won’t make it.

Saints: After Drew Brees goes down with an injury, his mole steps up to finish third in the NFL in QB rating and lead the defending champs back to the big game. Too much offseason partying.

Packers: Aaron Rodgers is suspended for the game after beating the Vikings in the NFC Championship, then taking a dump in Favre’s helmet to prove once and for all he should have been starting years ago. Too much residual Favre bitterness.

49ers: Due to the success of Mike Singletary’s pants-dropping halftime speech, he will coach the superbowl in his boxers.  Too much Alex Smith.

Vikings: Favre debates whether to come back for another season, says he doesn’t know if he can live without Jared Allen, and their shared affinity for jean shorts. Too much indecision.

Cowboys: Jerry Jones battles through his botox injections to actually do something that resembles not smiling. Too much Romo choking in big moments.

Giants: The one NFC contender with no real storylines, therefore they are my NFC Super Bowl pick.

Patriots: Tom Brady’s part Justin Beiber/part mullet haircut sweeps the nation, even catching on with a certain Late Night Debates author.  Too old to survive 19 games.

Jets: Antonio Cromartie just remembered he had 3 other kids and actually remembers two of their names.  Too much hype, too much trash talking, too little good quarterbacking.

Steelers: Ghetto witness Antoine Dodson found the person he was looking for and it turns out is was Big Ben.  Too many offensive line injuries, too many inappropriate sexual advances.

Ravens: Not to be outdone by Sandra Bullock, Brad and Angelina adopt the other four members of the Ravens offensive line. Too old on defense.

Colts: The one AFC contender with no real storylines, therefore they are my AFC Super Bowl Pick.

So there you have it – Giants vs. Colts. We will be spared from nagging storylines for the firs – wait a minute. This is the worst case scenario – Manning vs. Manning for the crown. This is likely to lead to 85% of the commercials shown during a game featuring one of the two starting QBs, and 14% featuring their dad Archie. might even run an add featuring Cooper Manning throwing footballs to scantily clad women.  This is a complete media apocalypse waiting to happen. Take my warning now – hide yo kids, hide yo wives. The Mannings gon find you.  They gon find you.

Super Bowl: Colts 31, Giants 24

NFC Playoff Teams: Giants, Packers, Falcons, 49ers, Wildcards: Saints, Eagles

AFC Playoff Teams: Patriots, Ravens, Colts, Chargers, Wildcards: Bengals, Dolphins

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