Best (or least lame) commercials of Super Bowl XLV

As someone who considers himself a serious sports fan, and who has been a faithful Green Bay Packers fan since Don Majkowski was tossing the pigskin to Sterling Sharpe, I must say I’m a little embarrassed to be writing a blog about the best commercials of the Super Bowl in the immediate aftermath of the Pack taking the Vince Lombardi Trophy back to Title Town. But dammit, I committed to writing this blog before the game and I’m not going to let the torture of watching three hours worth of 30 second clips that try way too hard go to waste.

And if the Native American-looking guy in Black Eyed Peas is willing to wear a magic spaceman suit with light up panels so that Fergie doesn’t kick him out of the group, then I can suck this one up and bloviate about some failed efforts to try and make me buy shit. And by buy shit, I mean buy cars. I did the math — in the four and a half hour Super Bowl broadcast, 20% was actual football game, 5% was animals acting like people, 2% was promo for Johnny Depp movies, 15% was Fox Network jerking off to the military and the remaining 58% was car commercials. Jesus, automakers, you have a couple of good months and all of a sudden you’re dropping cash on Super Bowl commercials like you’re Charlie Sheen in Hookers and Blow Mart. And Chevy was the worst offender. Hey, Government Motors, we remember that bailout, dammit. Wasn’t it like 12 days ago? Don’t you still owe me a few billion dollars?

I’ll give Chevy a pass, though. Automakers have to advertise to compete, and GM dropping $3 million per Super Bowl spot was still a better display of decision-making than putting BEP on at halftime. We all knew that performance was going to be atrocious so let’s give the Black Eyed Peas a little credit where credit is due. If Fergie didn’t make it painfully obvious enough, at least they were actually singing (hence them just standing in the middle of the stage. You don’t want to hear Fergie trying to sing while winded after an overexuberant bump-and-grind on Slash). And, because his contribution to BEP can’t be overstated, at least Native American dude provided solid entertainment standing there as a human Simon game while the “talented” members got to use the microphones.

Without further adieu, and as my beer starts to get warm, I give you the best, or least lame, 2011 Super Bowl commercials.

5.  “Misunderstanding” – Chevy Cruze

Why? Because old people are funny. You don’t do high brow humor with only 30 seconds in your pocket. You pretty much aim for the lowest common denominator, and old people are simply the low hanging fruit of low brow. Whether it’s old people pooping themselves or falling and not being able to get back up, nothing says LOL like the deterioration of the aged.

4. “Tiny Dancer” – Budweiser

Why Budweiser elected to make this a 60 second spot for three seconds of payoff at the end, I don’t know. But I guess I’d rather have 57 seconds of bad commercial, including forced gratuitous appearance of Budweiser Clydesdales, followed by three seconds of funny than just 60 seconds of bad commercial. This got me to thinking, though. Apparently, nothing can seem bad when it involves a large group of people singing Tiny Dancer. It makes me wonder: Did Almost Famous just trick us into thinking it was a good movie because of the group Tiny Dancer scene? Isn’t it suspicious how blatantly talentless Kate Hudson has appeared in every movie since starring as the precocious Penny Lane. People, we have been hoodwinked!

3. “Hungry Pug” – Doritos

Yesterday’s Super Bowl commercial comic gold: knocking people down. Today’s Super Bowl commercial comic gold: Pugs in slow motion. The best entry from Doritos’ Crash the Super Bowl contest has both paid tribute to its forebears and set the new gold standard in TV ad humor in one seamless effort.

2. “Poundin’ Beaver” – Bridgestone

You see, the guy saves the beaver by swerving to miss him, then some time later, the beaver saves the guy by gnawing down a tree to block the road and save him from driving into flooding river. Now that’s 30-second storytelling, folks. Of course, you don’t give a shit about the story, or the fact that the guy’s Bridgestone tires made it all possible, because who the hell even pays attention to what tires they’re buying? Ask any non-NASCAR fan what tires they want on their car, know the answer? “Uh, are those the cheapest ones?” Anyways, while you didn’t remember this commercial was about tires, you do remember it making you spit up 6 ounces of partially digested queso on your girlfriend’s cat when that crazy beaver gave the dude a chest pound.

1. “The Force” – Volkswagen

Heavy borrowing of iconic pop culture? Check. Funny animal faces? Check. Close up of creepy baby doll? Check, check and check. VW had the commercial comedy formula brewing on this one. In fact, I’d go so far as to say this was the only truly GOOD commercial of the entire Super Bowl. But watch the commercial again and pay particularly close attention to the Darth Vader kid’s body. You can not tell me that “kid” is not actually a midget! I am convinced, and that is why “The Force” is my pick as the best commercial of Super Bowl XLV.


NFL Playoff/Super Bowl picks

OK, so these preseason predictions don’t look so hot right now.  That is the glory of prognostication, all you have to do is make up an excuse for why your picks didn’t work out and guess again – just ask weathermen.  So here is the new, improved, and this time 100% accurate Super Bowl predictions.  How can all three of us be 100% accurate when we have different picks?  This is about football, not addition so all you mathletes will just have to get over it.

Perron’s Picks

True story – before the season started I very, very badly wanted to pick the Colts vs. Falcons as my Super Bowl prediction.  The reason I didn’t is that in LND’s College Football Preview I picked Virginia Tech to play in the National Championship game.  Before we even wrote the NFL post VT had lost to Boise and their title hopes were done.  After that debacle I felt as if there was no way I could do a homer pick again and choose my beloved Falcons to make the Super Bowl even though I thought at the time they would.  I instead went with the Giants and Eli Manning who just threw another interception while playing Madden in his basement.  What did I learn from this? Three things –  That I should go ahead and put down what I really think is going to happen despite my rooting interests, that if I pick my favorite team to win they will lose so I should avoid picking the Falcons at all costs now, and that Eli Manning is the worst QB that ever somehow managed to win a Super Bowl.  Here are my picks based on other things I have learned this football season:

Wildcard Weekend

New Orleans 34, Seattle 17 – because I learned the NFC West can be won by a team that prominently features Clipboard Jesus himself, Charlie Whitehurst.

Indianopolis 31, NY Jets 21 – because I learned that smart QBs like Tom Brady can completely pick apart this Jets defense that relies on too many blitzes. Peyton destroys blitzes.  And rumor has it that the Colts are making their cheerleaders go barefoot in an attempt to distract Rex Ryan.

Kansas City 21, Baltimore 17 – because I learned that every time you count the Chiefs out they surprise you and because I learned Ray Lewis likes to lather himself up and ride giant birds.

Philadelphia 31, Green Bay 28 – because I learned what Vick can do to Green Bay after Kolb got concussed in week 1.  And because Tucker Carlson is a douche.

Divisional Round

Pittsburgh 31, Indy 17 – because I learned if you hurt dogs like Vick you stay in the news every week for years but if you hurt women like Roethlisberger it tends to be forgotten after about 2 months. And also because Indy’s defense can only stop one dimensional teams like the Jets.

Atlanta 24, New Orleans 21 – because the Falcons learned they can’t play so conservative on offense from that Monday night game a couple weeks ago.  At least I learned that’s what I hope the Falcons learned.

Chicago 35, Philadephia 28 – because I learned Vick has taken a lot of hits this year.  He got an unofficial bye last week but the Packers will beat him up again and the Bears will treat him like Kanye West’s security guards going after the paparazzi.

New England 42, Kansas City14 – because I learned Tom Brady wears UGGs.

Conference Championships

Atlanta 17, Chicago 10 – because I learned the Falcons have a coaching staff that won’t be dumb enough to kick it to Devin Hester.  Right?  Right? RIGHT?!? Please Mike Smith, tell me that I am right.

New England 42, Pittsburgh 14 – because I learned Stetson stars Tom Brady.

Super Bowl

Atlanta 28, New England 24 – because I learned Tom Brady has a thing for baby goats.  And because I apparently still have a lot to learn.

Jay’s Picks

Before making my predictions for these 2011 NFL playoffs, I would first like to thank the Green Bay Packers for pulling out a miserable week 17 win at home against an only modestly interested Chicago Bears team so that at least one of my picks to make the Super Bowl actually made the playoffs. Here’s to magical runs by No. 6 seeds to the Super Bowl.
NFC Wild Card weekend
No. 3 Philadelphia 27, No. 6 Green Bay 21
Or not. Green Bay destroyed the Kevin Kolbles in Week 1, but anyone who bothered to keep watching that game by the time Michael Vick was put in knows a near-dominant Packers D had absolutely zero answer for the conVick. The football has looked as natural as a giant bong in Vick’s hands this season and, even though the luster has faded from a near-MVP season in the last couple weeks, next year’s biggest first round fantasy football draft mistake has enough left in the tank to run away from Packer defenders like his younger brother runs from cops.
No. 5 New Orleans 38, No. 4 Seattle 5
I cannot tell you how crestfallen I am that Charlie Whitehurst will not be starting at quarterback for the pathetic Seahawks. Matt Hasselback, sir, you have destroyed my material. Your punishment – starting at quarterback for the pathetic Seahawks.
NFC Divisional Round
No. 1 Atlanta 17, New Orleans 16
Atlanta’s reward for winning the NFC by a two game margin? The second best team in the NFC, the reigning Super Bowl champs and the NFC’s best quarterback in the divisional round. At this point in his career, Matty Ice is a terribly misleading nickname for Matt Ryan (although that 14-13 comeback win at Boston College denying the Hokies a shot at the national title was nice) and an insult to the greatest hobo beer to ever see the shelves of your local Quickie Mart, but the Falcons D is underrated and I just don’t see them exiting the playoffs without winning at least one.
No. 2 Chicago 19, No. 3 Philadelphia 14
What’s the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? Vick’s stick. Ok, that doesn’t make any sense. But if Michael Vick had fought Palins instead of pit bulls, he would be known today as the creator of the most popular reality show of all time instead of a convicted felon. All that said, the Eagles are definitely a little off. The Packers are a better team than the Bears, but Vick has their number. The Bears surprise when the Eagles put up a stinker.
NFC Championship
No. 1 Atlanta 24, No. 2 Chicago 20
Neither of these teams are that impressive, but they’ve managed to win a lot of games. If you like really boring, unspectacular teams with slightly goofy quarterbacks and 9 minute scoring drives, this one’s for you.
AFC Wild Card weekend
No. 6 New York Jets 24, No. 3 Indianapolis 18
Yes, I’m aware I’m picking against Peyton Manning at home. Yes, I’m aware the 2010-11 Jets have been the most overrated sports team possibly ever. But for some reason, and I can’t explain why, when the fat man speaks, I listen. As long as Sexy Rexy is rubbing on his wife’s feet like a crystal ball and predicting Jets Super Bowl victories, I’m behind him (which of course means you will most certainly not be seeing me).
No. 5 Baltimore 27, No. 4 Kansas City 14
Kansas City has managed to stay surprisingly respectable all year and I actually thought about picking them in this game, but those who cannot defeat the Oakland Raiders in two tries do not win playoff games. By the way, did anyone notice the Raiders went 6-0 in the AFC West? If this were college football, the Raiders would be the NFL’s UConn.
AFC Divisional Round
No. 1 New England 38, New York Jets 10
Ok, so I lied. Rex Ryan will personally guarantee his team’s victory or promise to give back his 2010 salary, and Tom Brady will be asking Sexy Rexy if he would be willing to donate that salary to Giselle’s favorite charity by halftime.
No. 2 Pittsburgh 24, No. 5 Baltimore 21
Game of the playoffs right here. You won’t even want to watch football again after this game. A) Nothing will feel the same after seeing the hardest played, hardest hitting game in modern NFL history. B) You won’t be able to stomach the sport anymore after Ray Lewis loses an arm and then throws it to make a tackle on Rashard Mendenhall, only to be one-upped when Troy Polamalu elects to continue playing after most of his brain matter is ripped from his skull when he and TJ Houshmanzadeh’s locks become entangled in an inseparable ball of nappyness.
AFC Championship
No. 1 New England 30, Pittsburgh 17
I say: An-ti, You say: Cli-mac-tic. Steelers have nothing left and probably didn’t have enough anyways.
Super Bowl

New England 34, Atlanta 20
It’s a classic team of destiny, folks. Atlanta keeps it close for a while, but the Dirty Birds v.2.0 go the way of Jamal Anderson’s knees in the second half. No one is stopping Brady from righting the wrong of the lost perfect season this year.
Dunn’s Picks
The die-hard Bills fan in me could truly give not a shit, not two shits, but could give a Dirty Sanchez about the playoffs. I mean, this makes me want to take a dump on the playoffs like the one that chick Biggie Smalls was hollering at wanted on her chest. So after I shit’s on the playoffs, I’ll see you guys in June where my Bills will do whatever is necessary in order to grab Andrew Luck. What! Come again. He’s going back to school!!!? Welp, we need help on the D-Line anyways and there’s always next year. Screw you Luck, I hope you become un-Luck-y and pull a Matt Leinart and suck for eternity!  Whew. Sorry ’bout that. Let’s debate some NFL Playoff results shall we. 

NFC Wildcard

Eagles 24 Packers 20
Every ounce of me knows that this pick is wrong, but since Vick is from home, I’m riding the conVick (as Jay calls him) wagon. I’ve heard analysts tear apart his weak showings the last couple of weeks, and attribute an upset to the Packers changing things up. Well it’s a good thing Vick lives in Nomediaville, where everyone gets their news from hearsay. Unfortunately for CheeseHead Nation we all know that Nomediaville does not exist, and real media does. In the end, Vick will also alter his game, leaving the Packers to do, well,  just that. Or will they? 
Saints 35 Seahawks -7
No, you saw that right. They will most certainly manage to lose points, causing them to not only get shut out, but get negatived (I just trademarked that) in the process. Can never happen you say? To that I answer, you’re right, until now. 
Divisional Round

Falcons 21 Saints 13
 The only parallel I can truly think of to show how the Falcons want to prove they can win without Vick is to compare it to Americans love for something new and fresh. A perfect example of this would be the way most are fawning over a homeless, ex radio host, who squandered his livelihood on drugs, booze, and whores, only to be rediscovered and offered, gasp!, a new radio hosting gig! The Falcons REALLY want to win. The Saints LITERALLY have me in their backfield. And for what it’s worth, he GENUINELY does have an amazing voice. 
Pack-les 31 Bears 13
We all know Cutler is more erratic than a 73-year-old man’s prostate. I can’t help but to seem a bit clairvoyant in foreseeing the turnover laced debacle Cutler puts up for the Bears. At home no less. No good. Because of this, the Green-Philly Pack-les, with their blonde locked LB’s, and their cannon for an arm, light’s out QB simply will easily have enough to stop any Hester runback. 
NFC Championship

Falcons 21 Eag-ers 17
I think the determination of Arthur Blank to prove he made the right decision in letting Vick go for Matt Ryan will BLOW UP IN HIS F-ING FACE! Viva Vick! Viva Virginia! Viva THE WORLD!
AFC Wildcard

Peyton’s 30 J.E.T.S Jets JEts JETS 17
Lady Dunn is a die-hard Jets fan. I am a die-hard Peyton fan. I win. But we all lose for having the audio from Rex Ryan’s foot fetish video on repeat in our head’s every time I see anything Jets or, any feet. You pop an animated plane with shoes on me and I’m heading for the hills. 
Ravens 28 Chiefs 24
I do believe I’m alone in my principles when declaring that although the Chiefs won a depleted West, and they may be without their top offensive weapon (Bowe, not Charles), and their running back(Charles) did play six divisional games against defenses that would have let the Annexation of Puerto Rico work on them, they just might make a game of it. Or, Ray Lewis and Ed Reed will end all hopes.
Divisional Round

Pats 21 Ravens 20
Brady displays a little of that Bieber flare leading a dramatic 2 minute drill for the ages. Ray Lewis will just miss the sack and Ed Reed will just miss the pick as, wait for it, Randy Moss scores the game winner. This psychic mask is beginning to look quite good on me.  
Manning’s 27 Roethlis-rapists 24
In another tight one Peyton manages to escape the dreamy locks of Polamalu (who, after seeing him play live, is THE best defensive ball hawk I’ve seen since my boy Bruce!) and the won’t-take-no-for-an-answer Big? Ben’s grasp to overcome the blistery conditions of Heinz field and get the win. Setting up……..
AFC Championship

Pats 45 Colts 20
No you read that correctly. I have watched Tom Brady and his gang of forgottens dismantle ever nigg…screech!! Sorry I forgot we live in an era where we change history. Sorry. Dismantle every slave(wink, wink Mark Twain) that came in their path this season. This won’t change here. That damn hair has made Brady invincible!
Super Bowl

Pats 42 Falcons 21
As they look to match the 1993 ‘Boys massacre of my beloved Bills, the Patriots show no mercy and Brady makes up for the that undefeated season slip up. Yay, predictable game!

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