Ultimate Lame Mascot – The LND Finalists

We presented the lamest of the lame and the people have voted.  Without further ado, here are the winners (losers?) of the previous polls.  Vote to see who gets crowned LND’s Ultimate Lame Mascot.

The Stanford Tree – Achieving a majority of the votes in our most viewed post ever is no small feat.  With 60% of the vote in the BCS category, this was a bigger landslide victory than fellow Stanford Alum Herbert Hoover crushing Al Smith in the 1928 Presidential Election… or perhaps the more appropriate analogy is fellow Stanford alum Herbert Hoover getting crushed by FDR in the 1932 Presidential Election. Wait a sec, this is Late Night Debates – it is like including Angelina Jolie in a sexiest female category with the top six from our Most Shameful Celebrity You Would Do post.  That’s more like it.

Louisiana Lafayette’s Cayenne – Coming out on top with 47% of the vote amongst the non-BCS Division I schools is UL-Lafayette’s pink peppery thingy. What is it exactly? Why is it pink? Is that a crab claw in it’s hair? Why is it cross-eyed? No one knows the answers to any of these questions, but the LND readers have spoken and they agree on two things – it’s lame and none of them ever want to see it without clothes on ever again.  Get out of my dreams angry dragon turd – I wish I had never met you.

Evergreen State Geoduck – With 85% of the vote in the FBS, DII and DIII category, the Geoduck was strong like bull against stiff competition.  Alright, enough penis jokes.  If you take a closer look at the mascot, there is much more terribleness to be seen.  Those are some sweet basketball shorts it has on.   Is it wearing fairy wings?  I guess splurging for shoes would have put the costume over budget.  That pose looks like he is challenging the Fighting Irish leprachaun of Notre Dame.  Silly Geoduck, the leprechaun won’t fight you. Everyone knows he loves penis. Sorry, LND can only resist a good dick joke but for so long.


Lamest college mascots (FCS, DII and DIII)

Combing through the thousands of FCS, Division II and Division III mascots is akin to taking part in a psychology experiment where you’re strapped into a chair and forced to watch images of violence: After a while you just feel angry, befuddled and ready to lash out like a rabid mongoose (Surprisingly, the rabid mongoose is not any of these colleges’ mascot).

Apparently not content with sports mediocrity and marginally gifted athletes, second tier college sports programs feel the need to cement their second rate status with a smorgasbord of subpar characters roaming the sidelines of their sports fields. Whether it be smug smartasses at prestigious liberal arts colleges for the cocaine addict kids of the smarmy New England elite or the bong-toking youth of California’s counter culture, the often quirky student bodies of smaller schools have tended to lead to some very strange, strange mascot decisions across the nation. Except in the Midwest, where the future factory workers of America are too dumb to come up with anything beyond the animals they see in their back yards — gophers and badgers aplenty. Ah, you can always rely on America’s Heartland to be as plain as Tilda Swinton eating vanilla ice cream on white bread.

But I digress. The point here is that there are so many terrible mascots in the pantheon of FCS, Division II and Division III college athletics that there is simply no way one man, at least with a life that doesn’t involve living in his mother’s basement and spending 14 hours a day playing Second Life, could adequately survey the entire collection and come up with a perfect list. So, LND has opened this final installment of lamest mascots up to write in ballots, which we will consider when we run the poll to pick the ultimate lamest mascot in all of college sports later this week.

Without even scouring the thousands of atrocious options available, we still managed to come up with some pretty fetching selections, including our No. 1 — what has to has to be, hands down, bar none the most hideous, disturbing, discomforting, bizarre, misguided, foul and unsettling mascot in the history of sport. (Perhaps only behind the Ancient Athenian Fightin’ Prepubescent Boy Love Slave)

10. Mary Baldwin Fighting Squirrel

This mascot is a perfect metaphor for undergrads from small schools just pleading for anyone to pay attention to their team: He’s small, annoying, is constantly chirping at you, tries to act tougher than he is and, ultimately, you just want to laugh at his whole tough guy routine. Fighting Squirrels — that’s about as intimidating as the Fussy Babies. Although, maybe if Mary Baldwin gave its squirrel a light saber it would look a little tougher.

9. Delaware Blue Hen

I understand state universities wanting to represent something unique about their state with their mascot, but someone has to have the common sense to just say no to repping your state’s favorite chicken. I mean, there are so many other great things about Delaware the school could have chosen. Like … wait a minute. No there’s not. Well then, they could at least not dress the chicken up like an emo chick in a skirt with spandex tights underneath.


8. Peter the Anteater (UC Irvine)

Entry No. 1 from those quirkier-than-thou Californians. The only problem is UC Irvine misses all of the comedic potential with their big F.U. to RaRa team pride by not replicating the utterly bizarre awkwardness of the anteater’s body. In fact, what is going on with Peter’s body? His ripped biceps are almost as out of place as Nick Cage’s toupee. What sick, sadistic bastard gets an anteater all cracked out on steroids and then unleashes its ‘roid rage on an unsuspecting public?


7. Gaylord, the Campbell Camel

I’m not proud of this, but the fact that the camel is named “Gaylord,” which makes me giggle, is 99% responsible for the camel making this list. The other 1% is the fact his tuft of hair looks just like Nick Cage’s toupee.

Moving on…


6. Williams Purple Cow

I like how Williams athletics is so meaningless, even it’s mascot doesn’t pretend to give a shit. However, we’re not sure if this mascot is a reflection of pretentious New England boy’s prep graduates trying to show how jocular they find sports or if it represents the women at Williams. Don’t worry Williams boys; I understand. If the ladies of my college had a trunk like the Purple Cow, I’d want to return to the warmth and comfort of spooning my boy’s prep roommate in a heavy wool blanket during a Cape Cod winter, too.

5. John Harvard (Harvard)

Nothing says honoring the founder of perhaps the world’s most prestigious university by blowing his likeness up into a big silly bobble head and making him appear to be a ruddy cheeked alcoholic with a cleft lip. Boy, that is a face even a blind Saigon whore couldn’t love. You’d think the rich fuckers stockpiling Harvard’s endowment could at least cover the plastic surgery bill for ole John. Alas, maybe it’s for the best. John Harvard should look tortured and tormented being forced to watch athletic frivolity. The Puritans were, after all, giant buzz kill, cockblocking tight asses.

4. UC-Santa Cruz Banana Slug

Let me be the first to admit I am actually a giant fan  of the Banana Slug. Entry No. 2 from California is one of the only examples in all of academia that properly hits the offbeat mascot sweetspot by expressing just the right amount of irony, humor, “we don’t give a shit” and “go fuck yourself.” I mean, does anything say apathy better than a slug? Alas, any objective human being has to admit that this mascot is undeniably terrible, all creative license aside. It’s not like there’s any shortage of things about the banana slug to make fun of. For example, try and find a picture of the banana slug where he’s not wearing Converse Chuck Taylor All-Stars. Now UC-Santa Cruz, here I was thinking you all were trying not to be stereotypes?

3. Trinity Christian College Trolls

With all due apologies to Oklahoma State’s Pistol Pete, THIS is the mascot I am most afraid is going to rape me. I know trolls aren’t supposed to be pretty, but isn’t it a little odd that the mascot for a Christian school appears to have herpes? Somebody needs to go to confession! So how does a Christian college end up with an evil, sinful beast like trolls as their mascot? TRinity cOLLege Students. No, Trinity. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not acceptable.

2. Arkansas-Monticello Boll Weevil

When your state’s flagship university is already reaching down the mascot well all the way to a scary pig, you know little U. of Arkansas-Monticello was going to have pretty slim pickins when it came their turn to pick a mascot. But the most awesome thing about this glorified 1950s-era depiction of a Martian isn’t the fact that Arkansas-Monticello chose to inspire its fans by selecting as its mascot an insect that destroyed the lives of their ancestors by wiping out Arkansas’ cotton industry.  No, that little bit of irony isn’t half as entertaining as the fact that the boll weevil sets a nearly unbreakable record for phalluses on one mascot — not only are his antennas a pair of parallel needle dicks, but his schnoz is the sort of warty, lumpy, bulging, left-leaning meat club that porn starlets have nightmares about.

1. Evergreen State Geoduck

Speaking of phalluses, actual geoducks — the world’s largest burrowing clam, native to the waters of the U.S. Pacific Northwest — look like the sort of wrinkled, beastly horse cocks  that have stolen the last shreds of dignity from Tijuana sex show performers for generations. I’m not the only juvenile-minded idiot that thought so, considering the Chinese have stimulated (hehe) a bustling geoduck fishery by considering the fleshy gastropod a culinary delicacy that is both an aphrodisiac and “enhances virility.” OK, new rule — if Asian people think your mascot is going to help them be big man, pleasure woman long time then you should immediately burn your mascot costume and start over. Evergreen State probably has some fierce rivalries with the Directional State U. Raging Tiger Penises and the Tech Fightin’ Blowfish.

Editor’s note: Although the mascot was retired in 1999 when Elon College decided it was too big for propagating blatant oxy morons when it became Elon University, the Elon Fighting Christian is and always will be the worst college mascot of all time. What would Jesus do? Well, LND’s staff theologian tells us he is fairly certain he wouldn’t have gone around trying to fight everyone. Here’s to you Elon, for making the sort of terrible decision that will haunt you until your dying day when God can ask you, “So where did I start to confuse you?

Lamest college mascot (Non-BCS FBS schools edition)

Note: In researching terrible mascots, the plethora of available options is just too much to resist stretching this feature out to a four-parter. Take a look at our BCS post and keep an eye out for the FCS and DivII / DivIII editions. Keep voting as the winners of the 4 posts will face off in an ultimate lame mascot challenge.

Before moving on to the FBS schools that don’t get a chance to take home the National Championship, as a Virginia Tech alum I cannot resist the urge to pontificate on that new UVA mascot.  Though it may not be one of the 5 worst BCS mascots, it is definitely in the top ten.This is so bad it needs some quickfire jokes, Daniel Tosh style. Let’s put 20 seconds on the clock:  Is that a horse, a hippo or a California Raisin?  Some kid called, and he wants his Thing Hands back.  Mascots can’t resemble Native Americans anymore, but this proves the NCAA thinks it is fine for your mascot to dress in blackface.  Is that logo ironed on or is it just a sticker?  He’s ready for the upcoming 90’s frat party – he already put on his MC Hammer pants.   I’m pretty sure The Hoo crapped this out in 1983 and it just recently escaped from the sewers of Charlottesville where it has been living a life of solitude, prostituting itself out to drunken frat guys and feeding on the blood of the homeless.

Now that I have that out of my system, I present LND’s lamest mascots from non-BCS Football Bowl Subdivision schools.

5. Akron’s Zippy the Kangaroo

When you have a nondescript nickname like the Zips, your mascot can be whatever you want it to be.  Akron could have gone with a lion, tiger, bear, eagle, gorilla, or any number of menacing mascots.  They also could have gone for a local theme, and since Akron is known as the “Rubber Capital of the World”, my vote would have been for a giant condom.  Instead, they went with this far from intimidating Kangaroo.  On Zippy’s website, he claims his favorite food is stadium hot dogs.  Something tells me that is not the only kind of sausage Zippy enjoys.

4. Middle Tennessee State’s Lightning

MTSU’s sports teams are known as the Blue Raiders, so logically their mascot is a Pegasus. They got the blue part down, as that thing looks like Papa Smurf should be riding in on it.  As a Pegasus, he uses his wings to fly.  That means the only thing the cape could possibly be for is his weekend job performing magic at birthday parties. TA-DA!

3. Louisiana-Lafayette’s Cayenne

The Ragin’ Cajuns of Louisiana Lafayette have a long history of bad mascots including the drunken Cajun Man and the even more drunken Cajun Chicken, but in an effort to outdo themselves they came up with this atrocity.  As if the pepper to the left wasn’t bad enough, the university felt the need to share the image to the right of what Cayenne looks like when he takes the football jersey off.  That angry dragon turd is going to haunt my dreams.

2. Tulsa’s Captain ‘Cane

The Tulsa Golden Hurricane felt the need to justify this ridiculous superhero getup by actually giving him a back-story and some super powers. Apparently, the Captain “carries a hurricane-summoning sword, energy-sourcing thunder boots, lightning bolt blaster gloves and a wind-current flying cape.”  Even the super-lame Captain Planet had better superpowers than that.  It must be awfully hard to fly with those huge cement blocks for feet. And nothing lets people know you are a superhero quite like that inverted soul patch on his forehead.  They would have been better off with Captain Crunch as their mascot.

1. TCU’s SuperFrog

As discussed in a previous LND post, a horned frog is actually a lizard that can squirt blood from its eyes.  Somehow TCU manages to take the bloody eye lizard and make it even less kid friendly.  It looks like the weird love child of the Predator and Felix the Cat.  When you add the fact that SuperFrog is like 8 feet tall, there isn’t a preteen in the world that will go within 20 feet of this creature.  I do enjoy that Felix the Predator takes his fashion tips from Doug Flutie, however. Nice belly shirt, SuperFrog. Nice belly shirt, indeed.

Lamest college mascot (BCS schools edition)

I recently attended U.Va.’s football season opener, where the Mike London era was deemed a near universal success as the Hoos exorcized the biggest shame of the Al Groh era (a 2009 season opening loss to mighty FCS William & Mary) and helped the ACC prevent repeating another 0-2 start against the mighty CAA by beating the Richmond Spiders 34-13.

I say “near universal success” because of this creature, which made its debut Saturday:

Now, I’m not one to get too worked up over bad mascots. They are, after all, for kids. And this horrendous creature is only a side mascot to U.Va.’s real mascot, Cavman — a gay, manscaped Frenchman in an astronaut suit, which if you’ve read the tales of Cavaliers is pretty much historically accurate. But the locals in Hooville were not pleased. Some college football fans, and I’m talking about grown ass men, are not merely content to be armchair quarterbacks and Monday morning coaches; they like to play AD with a GED and hold up their pretend BS in mascot marketing to speculate on how a joke of a mascot will crumble their favorite program from the foundation.

At U.Va., the hypersensitive fans probably just can’t take any more ridicule after a 3-9 Al Groh special in 2009. I’ve seen the new mascot called everything from what would happen if Grimus raped the Chick-fil-a cow to Mr. Cameltoehands. I have personally dubbed it Puff the Magic Demon Horse.

What this new scandal of Charlottesville is not is the worst mascot in college sports. Not by far, not even close. In fact, I had only planned one “Worst Mascot” debate, but the sheer immensity of terrible mascots at every level of college athletics has forced me to split it up into divisions: BCS schools, non-BCS FBS schools, FCS schools, and Division II and III (where shit really gets Grateful Dead, Beatles White Album trippy).

So without further adieu, I present LND’s five lamest BCS school mascots. There’s no real methodology (to even suggest such a scientific process is to insult the nature of the late night debate), but in general I celebrate mascots that are so terrible they’re awesome (the Western Kentucky Blob) and instead look for that certain soulless lameness that comes when sports marketing departments try really hard and still fail.

5. The Penn St. Nittany Lion

How do you fuck up a predator cat, Penn St.? Easily, the easiest of all mascot breeds to successfully execute. Well, start with using a leftover oversized Winnie the Pooh costume for the Big Cat’s body. Next, instead of giving your ferocious feline a full set of teeth, make him look like Cletus the Slack Jawed Kitty straight out of the coal mines of Southwest Pennsyltucky by only giving him four teeth and a gap-toothed grin. Third, leave him au natural in the buff, but put a scarf on him just so he has the feel of a freaky European football streaker that you should shield your children’s eyes from.

4. Big Al, the Alabama Elephant

I’ve got no problem with a big elephant costume in principle, but let’s call a spade a spade here: That is a big, swinging, flaccid cock dangling from that creature’s face. Good lord, I’d hate to see Big Al get excited. Maybe I’ve just got trunk envy. Don’t mock me elephant. Some are showers, some are growers.

3. Brutus the Buckeye (Ohio St.)

Ohio St. fans will defend this atrocity to the death, much like they will defend their teams over-inflated ranking every year. But much like Ohio St.’s performances in national title games, there’s just not much evidence to support Brutus as anything other than lacking. Let’s look past the obvious issue that Brutus’ testicle head is the perfect complement to Big Al’s dick face. What is going on with that outfit? He’s wearing those old school, three inch too short jogging pants that everyone but your crazy Uncle Jimmy with the pornstache tossed out in 1986 and, speaking of the ‘80s, Freddie Krueger is bound to come looking for his sweater sometime.

2. Big 12 Cowboy mascots (the Texas Tech Red Raider, the Oklahoma St. Cowboy, and the Nebraska Cornhusker)

Someone tell Big 12 schools to stop the biggest hit to the image of the American cowboy since Brokeback Mountain. Let’s play a round of rapid fire.

Texas Tech: Flouting Warner Bros. ownership of his likeness and all sorts of laws prohibiting fire arms in public places, Yosemite Sam has apparently decided to live out his Zorro fantasy in Lubbock.

Oklahoma St.: I am honestly afraid this man is going to rape me. He has clearly done time. And the detail of the wrinkles in his creepy hard plastic face is disturbing. I’m willing to bet this costume actually smells like chewing tobacco spit and strippers.

Nebraska: Tight jeans, sturdy work shirt, normal size cowboy hat, chizled jawline; the Cornhusker is much more like real modern cowboys — gay.

1. The Stanford Tree

You might think the Tree would fit my “So terrible it’s awesome” exception, but you’re missing a key element exacerbating the horrendous lameness of this mascot. You see, one Stanford student is chosen to grace the Cardinal sidelines each year in a Tree costume that they must make themselves. And under the irresistible pressure for undergrad college students to become unbearably obnoxious by out-cute and clevering anyone who has come before them, it has become en vogue on campus to make each year’s tree more terrible and ridiculous than the one preceding. Unintentional humor has resulted in some of the best mascots in college sports, but forced cuteness in a hybrid form of nerd and college humor is not to be rewarded. Sorry, Stanford smart asses, but I have to give you the only thing that will wipe that smug smile off your pretentious faces. A big, steaming ‘F.’

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