Sh!t that makes you most f@cking angry


Shield your childrens’ eyes. Lead the elderly into the next room. Save the innocent now. LND is about to get profane. If you don’t like the potty mouth, then what the fuck are you doing reading Late Night Debates in the first place?

Why all the warnings? Because this LND staffer is having a baaaaaad fucking week. I just shat away $11,750 selling my old house (thanks for flooding the market with foreclosures, all you financial fucktards!), I got rear-ended by some New Jersey dickwagon and my dog ate a bunch of anti-inflamatories and had to get her stomach pumped full of charcoal to not die (for an additional cool $400) – and that was just Monday. And, to think, I’m going to Atlantic City this weekend. I’m sure that’s going to turn out well (To my friends: If I die at the hands of angry Eastern European strippers, avenge me.)

Before you offer me some cheese with all that whine, let me A) offer my pre-emptive “shut the fuck up” and B) concede that I understand there are plenty of folks who have it worse. I could be this guy. And you know what Mr. Tree Man is sitting there thinking? At least I’m not from Haiti.

What I’m trying to say is I’m not here to whine. I’m here to be angry. I’m fucking angrier than a constipated Lewis Black stuck in a rehab clinic with a strict no hookers policy. I’m angrier than Lou Ferrigno in Hulk makeup at ComicCon being asked by a 12-year-old if he’s ever met the real Hulk, Eric Bana. I’m angrier than…Oh, what? You get the point? Fuck you! I’m angrier than Dick Cheney after … well, I’m just angrier than Dick Cheney. That’s pretty goddamn angry, people.

And when I’m this pissed off, I just want to get more pissed off thinking about shit that pisses me off the most. So harness the rage, kick a puppy and soak in my flooding tub of darkness, bitches. Here is just a sampling of the things that really grind my gears:

That a crazy asshole killed Auburn’s 130-year-old live oaks on Toomer’s Corner

 

The greatest tradition I have ever experienced this side of Christmas is what takes place in Auburn, Ala., at a little intersection in the prettiest little village on the plains called Toomer’s Corner following every victory of the Auburn Tigers football team. The masses descend to unleash thousands of rolls of toilet paper in celebration. It’s a uniquely college experience, it’s euphoric, it’s as inhibitionless as showing your titties at Mardi Gras. It will also be no more.

Some crazy Bear Bryant-worshipping fucknad from the backsticks of Buttrape, Alabama, decided to act on a 20-year-old grudge by dumping enough herbicide on the famous 130-year-old trees to kill ’em dead. If I could punish this redneck dipshit, I’d just desecrate his Bear Bryant sex doll. But I hope the authorities of Alabama just set him free because Auburn has almost as many batshit crazy banjo-playing, mother fucking, sister fingering, Deliverence-looking fans as Alabama and I imagine they have something a little less penitentiary and a little more penetration in mind for the Tide Tree Poisoner.

That Glen ‘Big Baby’ Davis is 6’9 and can’t dunk

Seriously, Big Baby? I am 6’3, white and sit at a desk all day, and I can throw down a volleyball on a regulation 10 foot rim. Your horrific attempt at a breakaway dunk is pathetic enough to just make me sad, but the fact that you are 6’9 makes that perhaps the most significant dunk fail in NBA history.

Big Baby is a fairly lovable guy. He cries when Kevin Garnett gets mad at him. He looks like Shrek. He seems like the kind of guy who would start giggling if you whispered the word “poop” in his ear. But this isn’t about Baby. This is about being a 6’9 professional basketball player with less ups than Stephen Hawking.

John Boehner’s crying rag

For fuck’s sake, man! You’re the fucking Speaker of the House of fucking Representatives! Man the fuck up and stop crying. You’re not winning hearts and votes with your fake ass routine. You just look like a walking advertisement for lithium. Every politician on the planet knows you save your big cry for the press conference after you get caught cheating on your wife, but this fucking douchebag is out there crying over votes to make Ronald Reagan’s birthday a national holiday. Man, I hate that fucking guy.

New Jersey

Fuck you for wasting 90 minutes of my life on the way from Philadelphia to New York, you peanut-in-a-piece-of-shit looking waste of space. The only thing worse than the industrial stink haze that hangs in your air like the smell of vagina in a hot room after sex is your people. To experience the giant hair, orange skin and grating voice of the average New Jerseyan is to understand why the state leads the nation in number of people committing suicide by throwing themselves in front of commuter trains.

 

Cell phones

Just because I own a cell phone does not mean I am obligated to talk to you when you call me. The only thing I hate more than cell phones – people that won’t stop playing with their phones when you’re around them. Oh, no, don’t mind me, iPhone guy. I’ll just sit here and rub soy sauce on my balls while you message 17 people who are also probably acting like assfaces and ignoring the real life people sitting next to them.

 

Unnecessary sequels

Just stop already. Fuck me!

 

 

 

 

When the store is sold out of delicious Totino’s frozen pizzas

Goddammit, I am actually getting angrier just thinking about this.

 

 

 

 

 

Flo

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Want to vote on which of these things make you the most angry? Fuck you – I’m too mad to put up a poll. Put up your own fucking poll.

Best and worst games of the 2010 bowl season


College football fans have unleashed a lot of unnecessary ire at the bowl system, but I’d like to ask them why? It’s the BCS you should be pouring all your Haterade on. Good old-fashioned bowl games have been wrongly co-opted into the argument against the BCS, a corporate America-driven abortion that sticks a coat-hanger into the fertile vagina of college football, and pulls out a bloody mess of dollars and made-for-TV failures where a beautiful baby playoff system should have been.

So I’ll go ahead and say it. I still love bowl games. I mean, I LOVE bowl games. If the Orange Bowl were a woman, I would juice her lovely mandarin like a Vitamin C crack addict. If the Beef ‘O’ Brady’s Bowl (yes, that is a real bowl) were a woman, I would still put a bag over my head and caress her homely, meaty thighs until her flatulent parts started whistling.

Why not? At every point of the D-I spectrum, bowls give passionate fan bases a last shot to watch the kids they only get to keep for four years play one last game that in theory should be highly competitive against a new, fun opponent that isn’t likely to be on the schedule again any time soon. Sure, there aren’t a lot of people who have a stomach for vintage match ups like North Texas-Toledo, but it’s not hurting you that the game is being played. (Well, there’s a slight chance humanity wasting time on something so meaningless in lieu of solving world hunger might anger God and incite the Apocalypse, but that withstanding…)

I, personally, love ’em all. Love the terrible ones almost as much as the great ones, just for the humor the existence of names like the (Uh oh, gotta get) MAACO Bowl and San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl bring to the universe. Seriously, San Diego, don’t you have to be, like, bigger than Darryl’s Corner Pawn Shop to win naming rights for a bowl game?

In the old pre-career days, I would watch every bowl game – every one, start to finish. Nowadays, I’ll watch anything on New Year’s Day, weekends and after work. They’re just good, even when they’re bad, because if you love college football, you’ll do anything to cling on to the dying season before the dark times set in again until August.

As for 2010, there are some doozies and some dandies, but my picks for best and worst bowl game of the season were pretty easy to make.

Worst bowl game of 2010: Little Caesar’s Bowl (Toledo vs. Florida International, Dec. 26, 8:30 p.m. ET)

Looking for a quick and easy way to destroy any leftover Christmas spirit? Just turn this game on the day after. The mere prospect of this game might destroy enough Christmas cheer that Santa’s reindeer are no longer able to fly. And as if the poor people of Detroit didn’t have enough misery and hopelessness to face every day, the college football world has decided to throw this gem at them. As Moe so eloquently put it in The Simpsons a few weeks ago: “Take it easy on Detroit. Them people is livin’ in Mad Max times.” The anger this game will cause in Detroit will be single-handedly responsible for cementing the city’s place as the murder capital of America. The abandoned houses will burn bright in the Motor City this night.

And who let Florida International off ESPN’s Bottom 10 list? How bad was college football this year that the team that spent the last decade as one-half of the flashing FIU-FAU icon eternally entrenched on the Bottom 10 qualified for a bowl?

Best bowl game of 2o1o: Tostitos BCS National Championship Game (No. 2 Oregon vs. No. 1 Auburn, Jan. 10, 8:30 p.m.)

Is it a cop-out to pick the national title game as the best bowl game of the year? Hell no – Any game that features a plodding Ohio St. team against an SEC champion has zero chance of being entertaining, much less competitive – and that happened two years in a row after the ’06 and ’07 seasons.

But this game is going to be special. I mean, like, Texas-USC after the 2005 season special. The casts are even eerily similar to that all-time classic with Cam Newton in the Vince Young role of unstoppable one-man wrecking ball and Oregon in the USC role of flawless offensive system with weapons all over the field. Like that game, don’t expect much defense and expect the game-winning score to come in the last minute. The only thing I’m not sure: Will the team with the Heisman runner up beat the team with the Heisman winner again or should we expect the magician at quarterback to will his team to victory again?

I don’t know, but I do know two things: The Ducks’ uniforms will be hideous (although, not as bad as usual, despite the tennis ball-colored socks) and Cam Newton’s Dad will be on a cell phone given to him by Deion Sanders every second of the game pimping his son to every half-bit Jerry Maguires and used car TV ad producer in the nation.

The best rivalry in college football


Auburn-Alabama: Hate, rednecks, barbecue, $200,000 RVs, hottie southern girls. Now that's LND's kind of party.

College football presents the greatest experience in the world of sport. We know this, without debate, because it’s the only game where 60,000 strangers will join you in a giant parking lot for eight hours to get wasted and throw bags of corn at a piece of wood with a hole in it; where you can ogle 19-year-old undergrad females in various levels of skanky regional gameday garb from the sun dress to the tiny team T; and where you live for the most inane and half-retarded traditions mankind could possibly come up with — be that throwing toilet paper at a giant tree after a win down on The Plains, singing to the world your team plays “where all is bright and gay” while holding the two nearest fans, even if they’re dudes, in The Hook, or just shouting out some overly intricate cheer that was composed back in 1897 and doesn’t even use words that are relevant to the modern English language. (Seriously: Solarex, Solari?)

It’s also the greatest experience in the world of sport because of the rivalries. Rivalries are made from hate, and no sport – save MAYBE English Premier League soccer – can compete with the hate derived in a good college football rivalry. Sure, Raiders-Chiefs might be a decent NFL rivalry, Yankees-Red Sox is a heated MLB rivalry, but when it comes down to it the professional players just don’t really care. If they did, Johnny Damon and Wadey Boggs never would have donned the pinstripes. Can you imagine Colt McCoy in an Oklahoma Sooners uniform? Hell no. I can imagine him enjoying passionate anal sex with Sam Bradford, but he’d treat that wounded man hole with a sodering iron before he ever bled Sooner red. You see, college hate derives from real differences. Big State U versus Small Pretentious College, public versus private, Smart Kid U versus Dumb Fuck Tech. Every college develops a reputation, traditions and habits that are utterly unique and undeniably annoying to the nearest neighboring school. It starts out with some innocent ragging of your rival, and the next thing you know you’re wasted at an ESPN roast shouting “FUCK TOUCHDOWN JESUS” at the head coach of Notre Dame.

And the most genius thing college football does is ball all that hate up almost entirely into one glorious weekend – Rivalry Weekend. The Iron Bowl, the Egg Bowl, the Apple Cup, the Commonwealth Cup, the CIVIL WAR, for godsakes. Awesome! I want to eat a Virginia Tech undergrad and shit him out in the shape of Virginia’s V-Sabres right now.

Army-Navy

You know, I’m tired of national broadcasters telling us we have to respect how great this rivalry is. Grambling-Southern is a great rivalry, too, but it’s still shitty football I don’t feel like watching. And before anyone goes on a “respect the troops” kick, I do respect the troops. I appreciate that they fight for my freedoms, and now I’m going to exorcise my freedom to throw Army-Navy in the same basket as the WNBA – terrible sporting events not on my TV.

Virginia-Virginia Tech

In the ’80s and ’90s, these guys , two of the best coaches in the game, made the Commonwealth Cup great. The game frequently matched two top 25 teams and the intensity was fierce. Then UVA’s guy got too old and this ass face decided to come along, play some chess, stick his face in a fan and lose 8 out of 9 to the Hokies. Not to mention, this problem drinker apparently drove drunk to every head coach interview he ever had because no coordinator that good would ever sit around as No. 2 to a guy with half a face for three decades with no good reason. Anyways, one of the most underrated rivalries in college football turned into Texas-Baylor and now no one cares. But now UVA has this guy. Give it about three years.

USC-Notre Dame

Like Notre Dame football, the importance of this rivalry is nothing more than an illusion propogated by TV. As I mentioned, passion makes a rivalry, and if the dudes and babes of sunny SoCal don’t give a shit about their team, neither should you.

Oregon-Oregon St.

Well, if anything, the Civil War has to have the best name of all rivalry games, and the Ducks versus the Beavers has to be best rivalry matchup of ridiculous mascots.

Ohio St.-Michigan

For years, ESPN had you fooled into thinking this was an amazing game played between elite teams for the highest of stakes. Then Ohio St. kept losing BCS bowl games by 20. Now Michigan is looking like their Smart Kid U brethren and this rivalry is pretty much like me when I’m watching it – in a coma.

Cal-Stanford

The Nerd Bowl! This series has lacked memorable games in recent years, most people hate these schools as the elitist institutions they are, and 95% of the college football fan population would rather fuck a dead pig than watch California football (Seriously, that’s not even a joke. Southerners and Midwesterners are mildly disapproving of fucking dead livestock. But they hate football from California). Alas, The Play (“The Band is on the Field!!!”) is as memorable as it gets and earns this rivalry some points.

Syracuse-UConn

Yes, I’m just fucking with you now

Maryland-Virginia

Sorry, Maryland. No one in Virginia considers you a rival. In fact, no one cares about Maryland. Go bother West Virginia. They’ll burn couches with you.

West Virginia-Pittsburgh

When it comes to pure ignorant, nasty hatefulness among fans, this rivalry is the winner. The Backyard Brawl also generally determines the winner of the Big East. Congratulations! Your rivalry game gets to decide which team gets to embarass the BCS again this year!

Florida St.-Miami

This rivalry is just tantalizing. It was the most dramatic in college football for years and it still feels like these teams should be elite, but the fact is it’s closer to the level of UNC-N.C. State than it is to the glory days of this rivalry in the ’80s and ’90s.

Oklahoma-Texas

Great game, great tradition, but with the crazy intensity of so many Texas games (Texas A&M and Nebraska, for starters), one begins to realize that Longhorn fans are just sick in their heads, think everyone is a rival and would probably sacrifice more than a couple of Mexican illegals for a win over East Texas Tech-El Paso, much less the Sooners.

Auburn-Alabama

For my money, this one takes the cake both historically and right now. Who cares that both teams have hedge funds and law firms running their recruiting slush funds, these teams are basically combining NFL quality play with the immeasurable passion of uneducated, backwoods rednecks that are told from before they can walk that they are, under all circumstances and with no exceptions, to hate anyone wearing the wrong team’s colors. In most rivalries where a family’s two children go to each school, the parents get some cute flag with half of one school’s colors and half of the others. In Alabama, if a son or daughter goes against family tradition, they’re not invited back for Christmas. Carrying some “Family Divided” flag with mixed team colors will make you the victim of a hate crime faster than a black guy wearing a gay pride shirt walking into an Alabama KA frat house.

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