Shaq – Biggest sports star of the modern era?

Today is a sad, sad day. My heart cries out a lonely song. I knew it was coming; hell, we all should have seen it coming: Shaq has retired. I would have Shaqrificed my left leg to give Shaquille O’Neal one last shot at recapturing his old form, but the time was right.

The Shaqtus, The Big Leprechaun, The Big Shamrock, The Big Aristotle, The Big Baryshnikov, Shaq Daddy, Shaq Fu, The Diesel, Superman (the original Superman, Dwight…other than the real Superman). If there is one thing that can not be debated, it’s that no celebrity figure in modern or ancient times (like the ’80s) has had such an uncanny knack for self proclaiming highly entertaining nicknames. (And as a quick aside, Shaq has asked fans for help creating his nickname in retirement. My choices: The Big Early Bird Special or The Big Arthritic)

But Shaq’s late-career knack for using nicknames to stay relevant while the Lego pieces he called body parts kept falling apart and eroding his play was only one small part of why I am convinced Shaq was the biggest sports star of the Millenium Era, which I’d describe as the era of athletes that dominated the sports landscape in the decade before and after the year 2000.

First, I am well aware Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretsky and Dale Earnhardt were competing in part of this era and were bigger stars than Shaq, but the fact is all of them belong to a different time. Jordan’s title-winning Bulls will always be tied to the very end of the NBA’s Golden Age of Magic, Bird, Barkley, Isiah, etc. Gretsky was still The Great One in the ’90s, but his star status was never the same after peaking that first year after leaving Edmonton for L.A. Earnhardt was the last great driver of NASCAR’s Budweiser-Swilling Go-Fuck-Yourself-Because-Mustaches-Are-Awesome Real Redneck era; not the $500 sunglasses, pussy fight, manicure-before-the-race era NASCAR is enjoying today.

Still, the Millenium Era has some impressive stars – Tiger in his prime, Roy Jones Jr., Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Derek Jeter, Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Brett Favre, Allen Iverson and Shaq’s own personal nemesis Kobe, the Tommy Gunn to Shaq’s aging Rocky.

Roy Jones in his prime was incredible – as dominant and entertaining as Ali, but his terrible attempt at a rap career alone is enough to dim his star under Shaq’s. And for anyone who wants to hate on Shaq’s rap career, don’t forget The Diesel put out a platinum album in ’93, followed that up with a gold album in ’94 and, the ultimate testament, even Biggie gave Shaq props for his rap skills once upon a time. Sorry, Roy.

Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire – juice. Enough said. (Did you know Barry Bonds’ head grew like an inch in circumference from the start of his career to the end? Seriously! Look it up. But it was just the flax seed oil, right, Barry?)

Derek Jeter? Jeet is a mega-star no doubt; anyone who’s ruled the Big Apple for 15 years and banged the crazy out of Mariah Carey is, but the fact is the guy’s just never been that great of a baseball player. I’m sorry, dude is a savvy, smart, classy guy, but Yankees fans are convinced whoever is the face of their franchise gets to take ritual baths in the semen of Babe Ruth, Joe Dimaggio and Mickey Mantle, therefore making them equal to all former Yankee greats.

Tiger? Tiger owned this title before his little penchant for nailing anything with a pulse and a vagina, pulse optional, went public. You simply cannot be the biggest sports star of an era if you are picking up waitresses at the IHOP and driving them back to their trailer after banging them. That’s not even Class A minor league baseball level. That’s your drunk redneck uncle in Reno shit right there. The man might have won majors at a never before seen pace right through the heart of the Millenium Era, but Tiger’s head and body are so broken down now that even the mystic healing powers of Shaq’s Icy/Hot can’t heal him.

Whereas Shaq’s star has faded steadily over the past four seasons due to age an injury, he’s remained a pretty desired commodity for quality teams with legit title hopes. Contrast that to Iverson, who fell so far from grace so fast that he hopped on a plane thinking he had been banished to the NBA wasteland of Memphis only to walk out of the terminal in Turkey, less than two years removed from scoring over 25 per game with ‘Melo on a solid Denver team. A.I. hasn’t commented on the rumors that he was checking out Osama bin Laden’s crib in Pakistan ahead of his tryout with the Islamabad Goatherders of the Pakistani Basketball Association.

Lastly, Kobe, who has the wonderful distinction of being the face of the NBA for those terrible couple of seasons when he surpassed Shaq as the Lakers top weapon and before everyone could run to Lebron as fast as they could just so they didn’t have to pay attention to Kobe whining anymore. So why is Shaq bigger than Kobe, who the NBA always worked harder to promote than The Diesel? A) Shaq was better than Kobe in each of their primes. Shaq was literally unstoppable and played a one-of-a-kind game that no one has or ever will play again. Kobe is great at rising to the occasion, but there are literally dozens of players in the past 20 years that can pretty much do what Kobe does. B) Shaq was a legitimate cultural phenomenon when he blew up in the mid-90s. Kobe, pretty much, was the pretty boy primadonna that girls thought was cute and Europeans liked because he was a fan of soccer, both of which just annoyed most American fans. C) Shaq never raped anyone (Oh, right, Kobe never did either…). D) Kobe’s one extra title will never erase Shaq dissing him over and over again in impromptu raps.

But enough of those other guys. This is a celebration of Shaq, and he makes his own case for greatest sports star of his era, and one of the tops of all time.

As a player, Shaq tallied: 6 NBA Finals appearances, 4 NBA titles, 3 Finals MVP awards, 1 NBA MVP award (a travesty perpetrated by Karl Malone loving voters), 15 All-Star appearances, 14 All-NBA team awards and 3 NBA All-Defensive Team awards. He ranks 5th all time in NBA scoring, 12th in rebounds and 7th in blocks

As a celebrity, Shaq cut four rap albums (one platinum) and scored a Billboard top 40 hit; starred in his own Super Nintendo video game (Shaq Fu); swam against Michael Phelps, boxed Oscar de la Hoya and took on Olympic beach volleyball gold medalists Misty May and Kerri Walsh in his reality TV show Shaq Vs; starred as Neon in all-time classic sports flick Blue Chips then set a new standard for acting athlete ridiculousness by starring as rapping genie Kazaam and a kid-friendly Robocop in Steel (hate on Kazaam if you will, but no terrible box office bust is cited with more regularity by nostalgic 20-something potheads than Kazaam); and proved he has the best dance moves of any plus-7-footer in history, first by throwing down with the Jabbawokeez in the greatest All-Star game entry in sports history then schooling Justin Bieber in a Shaq Vs dance off.

Seriously, who the hell can top that combined resume? If all this Shaq nostalgia doesn’t have you a little misty to see the big man go, something is just plain wrong with you. We’ll miss you, Big Shuffleboarder.


Best (or least lame) commercials of Super Bowl XLV

As someone who considers himself a serious sports fan, and who has been a faithful Green Bay Packers fan since Don Majkowski was tossing the pigskin to Sterling Sharpe, I must say I’m a little embarrassed to be writing a blog about the best commercials of the Super Bowl in the immediate aftermath of the Pack taking the Vince Lombardi Trophy back to Title Town. But dammit, I committed to writing this blog before the game and I’m not going to let the torture of watching three hours worth of 30 second clips that try way too hard go to waste.

And if the Native American-looking guy in Black Eyed Peas is willing to wear a magic spaceman suit with light up panels so that Fergie doesn’t kick him out of the group, then I can suck this one up and bloviate about some failed efforts to try and make me buy shit. And by buy shit, I mean buy cars. I did the math — in the four and a half hour Super Bowl broadcast, 20% was actual football game, 5% was animals acting like people, 2% was promo for Johnny Depp movies, 15% was Fox Network jerking off to the military and the remaining 58% was car commercials. Jesus, automakers, you have a couple of good months and all of a sudden you’re dropping cash on Super Bowl commercials like you’re Charlie Sheen in Hookers and Blow Mart. And Chevy was the worst offender. Hey, Government Motors, we remember that bailout, dammit. Wasn’t it like 12 days ago? Don’t you still owe me a few billion dollars?

I’ll give Chevy a pass, though. Automakers have to advertise to compete, and GM dropping $3 million per Super Bowl spot was still a better display of decision-making than putting BEP on at halftime. We all knew that performance was going to be atrocious so let’s give the Black Eyed Peas a little credit where credit is due. If Fergie didn’t make it painfully obvious enough, at least they were actually singing (hence them just standing in the middle of the stage. You don’t want to hear Fergie trying to sing while winded after an overexuberant bump-and-grind on Slash). And, because his contribution to BEP can’t be overstated, at least Native American dude provided solid entertainment standing there as a human Simon game while the “talented” members got to use the microphones.

Without further adieu, and as my beer starts to get warm, I give you the best, or least lame, 2011 Super Bowl commercials.

5.  “Misunderstanding” – Chevy Cruze

Why? Because old people are funny. You don’t do high brow humor with only 30 seconds in your pocket. You pretty much aim for the lowest common denominator, and old people are simply the low hanging fruit of low brow. Whether it’s old people pooping themselves or falling and not being able to get back up, nothing says LOL like the deterioration of the aged.

4. “Tiny Dancer” – Budweiser

Why Budweiser elected to make this a 60 second spot for three seconds of payoff at the end, I don’t know. But I guess I’d rather have 57 seconds of bad commercial, including forced gratuitous appearance of Budweiser Clydesdales, followed by three seconds of funny than just 60 seconds of bad commercial. This got me to thinking, though. Apparently, nothing can seem bad when it involves a large group of people singing Tiny Dancer. It makes me wonder: Did Almost Famous just trick us into thinking it was a good movie because of the group Tiny Dancer scene? Isn’t it suspicious how blatantly talentless Kate Hudson has appeared in every movie since starring as the precocious Penny Lane. People, we have been hoodwinked!

3. “Hungry Pug” – Doritos

Yesterday’s Super Bowl commercial comic gold: knocking people down. Today’s Super Bowl commercial comic gold: Pugs in slow motion. The best entry from Doritos’ Crash the Super Bowl contest has both paid tribute to its forebears and set the new gold standard in TV ad humor in one seamless effort.

2. “Poundin’ Beaver” – Bridgestone

You see, the guy saves the beaver by swerving to miss him, then some time later, the beaver saves the guy by gnawing down a tree to block the road and save him from driving into flooding river. Now that’s 30-second storytelling, folks. Of course, you don’t give a shit about the story, or the fact that the guy’s Bridgestone tires made it all possible, because who the hell even pays attention to what tires they’re buying? Ask any non-NASCAR fan what tires they want on their car, know the answer? “Uh, are those the cheapest ones?” Anyways, while you didn’t remember this commercial was about tires, you do remember it making you spit up 6 ounces of partially digested queso on your girlfriend’s cat when that crazy beaver gave the dude a chest pound.

1. “The Force” – Volkswagen

Heavy borrowing of iconic pop culture? Check. Funny animal faces? Check. Close up of creepy baby doll? Check, check and check. VW had the commercial comedy formula brewing on this one. In fact, I’d go so far as to say this was the only truly GOOD commercial of the entire Super Bowl. But watch the commercial again and pay particularly close attention to the Darth Vader kid’s body. You can not tell me that “kid” is not actually a midget! I am convinced, and that is why “The Force” is my pick as the best commercial of Super Bowl XLV.

Best Thing about the Super Bowl

Super Bowl Sunday is almost here and LND is here to tell you exactly how the first 10 minutes of the game will go – while everyone is talking about how badly Christina Aguilera butchered the National Anthem there will be a coin toss that the Packers will win and all of their fans in the crowd will go crazy.  The Steelers will kick off to the Packers and then half of the people at your Super Bowl party will immediately lose interest in the game and begin to talk about how good the cheese dip is or whether it’s funnier to call him “Rapelisberger” or “Rapistberger”.  More people will stop watching the game as the Packers drive for the next couple minutes before they punt the ball away and then when basically nobody at the party other than the people wearing Polamalu or Rodgers jerseys are paying attention this will happen: An extremely feminine voice (note – could be a female or could belong to an effeminate male) will shout “Everyone be quiet, the commercials are starting.”

LND is here to warn you – don’t be that lady voice.  You know why? Because the commercials suck.  They suck a big ol’ fat one.  Nobody else cares.  What’s the last Super Bowl commercial you can remember? It was the Bud-Weis-Er frogs and in retrospect that crap wasn’t funny either. In 1995 the commercials were funny because streaming video on the internet had not yet been invented and neither had DVRs. If you want to watch funny 30 second video clips go in the other room and watch YouTube or Funny or Die.  You’ll stop annoying everyone else at the party and the clips won’t be trying to sell you things you don’t need or already buy anyway. Here are four things you should be enjoying instead of watching Rapistberger, Ray Lewis and Justin Tuck dance with a lizard.

Food – The Super Bowl is the only day of the year where you can show up somewhere with a bag of chips and a jar of salsa, and in exchange eat chicken wings, seven layer dip, pizza, potato chips, chick-fil-a nugget trays, nachos, bean dip, veggies, hamburgers, hot dogs, baked beans, and a 10 foot long submarine sandwich. It is also the only day of the year you might get a chance to eat a football stadium made of twinkies, chips, and slim jims.

Beer – I don’t think an explanation is needed.

Prop Bets – If you don’t know what a prop bet is prepare to get hooked. These things are amazing.  Since there is only one game to bet on this day, Vegas needed more ways to generate cash flow in their sports books so they came up with bets on pretty much any aspect of the game you can think of and cross-action bets between the game and other sports.  These range from obvious ones like which team will score first and who will be the game’s MVP down to one’s you would have to be insane to bet on like who will win the coin toss.  Here are my favorite prop bets for this years game (note – you can actually wager money on all of these).

1. How long will Christina Aguilera hold the note “Brave” at the end of the National Anthem – over/under 6 seconds?  I’ll take the Over

2. Will there be a score in the first 3min 30 seconds of the 1st quarter? No way

3. How Many Times will FOX show Jerry Jones on TV during the Game – over/under 2.5?  I say Under

4. How Many Times will FOX mention “Brett Favre” on TV during the Game – over/under 2.5? I say Way Over

5. Who will the FOX announcers say has better hair on TV during the Game – Troy Polamalu or Clay Matthews? – I’ll go with Polamalu

6. What Color will the Gatorade be that is dumped on the Head Coach of the Winning Super Bowl Team? – yellow is the favorite at 3/2 odds closely followed by water. I’ll take the long shot on Red at 15/2 odds

7. Will a current NFL Player be arrested during Super Bowl Week? I’ll say Yes

8. Blake Griffin (LAC) Total Rebounds against Miami Heat (+7.5)vs. Pittsburgh Steelers Total Points – I’ll take the Steelers points

9. Rajon Rondo (BOS) Total Points + Assists against Orlando Magic vs. Green Bay Packers Total Points – I’ll take the Packers points

10. Will Fergie be dressed as a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader at any point during the Halftime show? I hate Fergie

The Game Itself – People will try to tell you that the Super Bowl is always a blow out.  Over the last 7 seasons the average margin of victory in the Super Bowl is 7 points. That’s only 1 score. These games have been great recently.  Stop pretending it’s 1995 again.  The people who tell you the game sucks are the same jerks trying to shush people during the commercials. Just punch them in the ear and then enjoy what will be the last football game you get to watch until September.

America, the Ridiculous: Greatest absurdities of our great nation

America, the ridiculous, how I love you. For all the great things about you that don’t ever need to be repeated again (I’ve had about enough of your pompous lip, amber waves of grain), even the things in this country that are utterly deplorable are so entertaining that you have to just shake your head and say, “Oh, America! You…”

Let’s try it out:

You: Hey, America, a cabal of private companies conspired to skirt every one of your safety regulations en route to a preventable disaster that killed 11 people and dumped 5 million barrels of oil into the Gulf of Mexico, utterly destroying the region’s fishing and tourism industry for at least a year. What are you going to do?

America: Well, sounds like we need to create some new jobs then. How bout we do that by opening up offshore deepwater drilling in the Gulf without making any improvements or changes to prevent the same thing from happening again? And gas prices are getting kind of high, so let’s talk about more drilling again!

You: Oh, America! You…

It just makes me want to sing about this magical land we share:

O beautiful for spacious guts,

For amber waves of peroxide hair,

For purple cartoon dinosaurs

With all your fruity flair!

America! America!

God damn, the absurdity

Are those Kardashians on my TV again?

From E! to M-TeeeVeeeee!

Well, now that I’ve got that patriotic flourish out of my system, let’s try to figure out the absolutely, most ridiculous things about our great nation.

1. Totino’s pizzas still only cost .99 cents

Depending on the cost of living in your neighborhood and the quality of your local Walmart, Totino’s deliciously life-shortening Crisp Crust Party Pizza’s are still readily available for under a buck. Let’s think about that. What are the inputs that go into delivering you a Totino’s combination pizza? Pig, cow, wheat, corn, cheese, plastic, paper. You’re telling me you can raise cows and pigs and process their nasty bits, chemically produce low grade cheese, grow wheat and corn and refine it down several steps into “crust”, put it all together in a factory, pump it full of more preservatives than Bob Barker, wrap it, ship it and power the freezers to store it, all for under a buck? There’s a lesson here you should probably fear about what goes on behind the closed doors of the American food manufacturing machine, but who are we at LND to question the down right magical, delicious and economic results provided by Don Totino?

2. Gun control? We’d rather be shot in the face!

Maybe we shouldn’t sell automatic assault weapons anymore? HELP, AMERICA, SOME COMMIE IS TRYING TO KILL THE SECOND AMENDMENT! No, no, sorry. My bad. How about we just do away with extended ammo clips, you know, because it typically doesn’t take 30 shots to shoot a deer or kill the guy trying to rob your house? HOW AM I GOING TO DEFEND MYSELF FROM THE TYRANNY OF GOVERNMENT, YOU SOCIALIST SOB! Oh, wow, didn’t know that was going to be a problem. Um, ok, I’ve got it. How about we just use readily available technology to identify who bought the bullet just in case, you know, that bullet is used in one of the 15,000 to 20,000 murders in the U.S. every year? I WON’T BE A VICTIM! AIN’T NO CRIME WOULD HAPPEN IF I HAD MY GUNS! Well, I guess I shouldn’t even bother bringing up having to conduct background checks at gun shows… DON’T TREAD ON ME! GO AMERICA!

Ah, yes, in a land where crazy people indiscriminately mow down whoever had the misfortune to be out trying to get that 2-for-1 special on chicken fingers more frequently than Sarah Palin passes on making a controversy about her, we are more worried about retaining our ability to overthrow the government by force than saving a few hundred completely savable lives. Soooo, gun crowd, you know it’s pretty easy to overthrow the American government, right? You just vote them out. Or, ask Tunisia, you just use Twitter. Ok, now that we’ve got that solved, I am starting a new nonprofit: I will set up a Twitter account for every Castle Law-loving, militia-joining redneck that turns in their home arsenal.

3. Justin Beiber pays $750 for his haircut

For reals, J-Biebs (a Canadian) reportedly pays American stylist Vanessa Price a cool $750 for EVERY TRIM of that massive mop-top. At one trim per two weeks, that’s only $19,500 per annum for upkeep of “The Bieber.” Now, I’m not going to hate on the kid because he made a hairdo that has existed for about 40 years into an international sensation, but this kid has got a long time to live and, for anyone who has followed the careers of Lindsey Lohan or Macauley Kulkin knows, that fame and fortune isn’t going to last forever. Someone needs to tell him how easy it is to blow millions on overpriced haircuts and the international army of 16-year-old dirty snatches trying to suck up all his coin like a cheap parlor trick at a rundown strip club. J-Biebs – hear me and hear me good: It’s called Flowbee. You can get the same do for the one time low, low price of  $83.

4. Public health care, definitely communist

Let’s get all John Locke, social contract on the peoples. Ok, let’s not. But how does it make sense that America finds universal agreement that the country should provide free public education to all and yet we should not provide free public access to stuff to keep you alive? Let’s ask loud yelling loves America guy again: FREE MARKET, BEST CARE IN THE WORLD, GOVERNMENT…NO INNOVATION, LONG WAITS, GO TO FRANCE COMMIE!

Ok, thanks for that eloquent explanation, loud yelling loves America guy. But has free public education stifled the thousands of high performing, insanely expensive private schools around the nation that give any attendee a massive leg up in life over their public school competition? Doesn’t seem so. So why can’t those wealthy enough continue to support private insurance plans and pay for the latest health care innovations, kind of like how rich kids at private school get a better education than poor kids at public school?

5. People still like Anne Hathaway

I was absolutely crushed this week at the news that Anne Hathaway had landed the role as the new Catwoman. How could Christopher Nolan, who to this point has directed one of the most amazing reboots of a series destroyed by Joel Schumaker, Jim Carrey and Arnold Schwarzenegger ever, make such a terrible casting decision?

Hathaway is the exact saccharin, silly, sugar sweet sort of thespian that destroyed Batman the first time when Schumaker took over from the appropriately dark Tim Burton. Seriously, just look at this woman’s filmography: The Princess Diaries (1 and 2)? Hoodwinked? Becoming Jane? Valentine’s Day? Rachel Getting Married? BRIDE WARS???? How does this woman keep getting work? Jesus, The Devil Wears Prada? Yeah, the devil made me watch that movie with my wife.

There is no greater testament to America’s endless capacity to forgive and love a girl-next-door face than the fact Anne Hathaway still has a career.

So, I ask you, America, it is your country. What is the most absurd thing about us?

Worst New Years Resolutions EVER

Yeah, Gertrude, maybe you should work on dropping those five pounds this year, fatty – or 50. You know, whatever you think you can swing. I agree, Serial Killer Johnny, it does seem like a good resolution to not do so much serial killing in 2011. And Dirty Butt Dan, I am fully in support of you trying to make your butt not so dirty.

These are all good New Years Resolutions. Americans love – nay, require – a clear starting point, a definite delineation, to start doing anything differently. Playing a shitty round of golf by the third hole? Damn shame you’re going to have to waste six more holes before you can even think about righting the ship after the turn. Pledge to start actually trying hard in school? Boy, that’s going to be a drag – next semester.

And, thus, with January 1 marking the ultimate of all new starting points each year, droves of Americans strive for the perfect New Years Resolution, but most end up stretching, falling back on the same crappy old resolutions that never work, or just making terrible resolutions. For example, a true story: My wife and I were eating a pricey, but pretty delish, New Year’s Eve dinner at Mercato in Philadelphia last night. In the midst of the New Year’s Eve hubbub, about two minutes before the stroke of midnight, we witness a young couple make a break for it. Now, maybe it’s just me, but dine ‘n’ dashing on a $200 dinner bill does not seem to be the best way to start your new year. You probably shouldn’t be resolving to steal more shit from people or ruin more waitresses nights.

We urge you, America, do not make that or any of the following resolutions. They are, in fact, the WORST New Years Resolutions in the universe.

1. “I will get rid of my debt this year”

You know what this resolution says? “I hate America.” Thanks for hating America, Bub. Don’t you know we’re trying to get out of a recession? The only way Uncle Daryl in Waukegaan is getting his factory job back is if you buy more shit. If you’re not living beyond your means, we are never going to have the illusion of prosperity again. Thanks for thinking about no one but yourself, Scrooge. Don’t you know you’ve got to play this whole thing like a fiddle anyway? When the whole system collapses in 2014, money is going to be worthless anyway (cat meat will be akin to gold, though), so let somebody else hold the bag until the bottom falls out.

2. “I will stop drinking”

Is Al there? (Al who?) Al Coholic. Ha ha! How could you try to take away our ability to laugh at your pain, Mr. Heavy Drinker? And what a terrible idea, anyways? Think about it: Without alcohol, would you even have friends? A wife? A child (bastard or legit)? How else, without alcohol, would you learn all of the dirty little secrets about your workplace from your boss? For that matter, how would you ever be promoted without becoming your boss’s drinking buddy? Hard work? Good luck with that, straight edge. If you give up drinking, you will be far less interesting, and the McDonalds are not nearly as likely to invite you to their next Christmas Party if they don’t think you’re going to get wasted and lead naked karaoke with nothing but a Santa tie knotted around your package.

3. “I will spend more time with family and friends”

Okay, unless this is to make sure you don’t stop drinking, this has got to be the worst idea of them all. There’s a reason you always manage to sneak out of that promise to go to Barry’s weekly card game or Sally’s book club – you don’t like them. In fact, you don’t really like people in general. And your family? Sure, you love them. But go ahead and keep it that way by just remembering the good times. Because you know what’s going to happen when you actually start going to visit ole Gramma for supper every Sunday? She’s going to nag your ass about needing to go to church until your ass is rawer than Japanese beef. Maybe you could organize a family beach week? Yeah, and maybe you can go ahead and burn $2,000 in the fire right now because none of those freeloading cousins of yours are paying shit for the house you reserved on your credit card.

Whatever your resolution, LND wishes you the best of luck and a Happy New Year. Unless, of course, you made one of these resolutions, in which case we wish you dysentery.

Weirder Foot Fetish – Rex Ryan or Robert Pattinson?

Everyone has their own weird quirks and fetishes.  In fact, LND just assumes that all of our neighbors enjoy some kind of weird kinky thing whether it be whips and chains, rusty trombones, hot carls, supermans, or a good old fashioned tickle of the rusty sheriff’s badge.  The good part about these fetishes, though, is that they occur in the privacy of one’s own home.  This, unfortunately is not the case with everyone. Some people just never learned to keep their fetish to themselves which makes it fair game for a blog.  Decide for yourself which of these two public domain foot fetishes is the weirdest:

Rex Ryan

The picture to the left is a still taken from a video on YouTube posted by user “ihaveprettyfeet”.  There is a whole series of these videos where an unseen cameraman approaches ihaveprettyfeet and compliments, touches, and even smells the “pretty feet”.  Very creepy.  Very, very creepy stuff.  The photo on the right is of New York Jets coach Rex Ryan with his wife Michelle.  That certainly appears to be the same lady in both photos.  There are a lot of other details that would link the two over on Deadspin that LND is not going to go into here, because the only proof we need is that Big Rex refused to deny the allegations that this is his wife.  Rex Ryan likes feet and he is not afraid to let everyone on YouTube know it.  I bet he is going to spend Christmas morning sucking some barbecue sauce off those little piggies.

Robert Pattinson

Sorry TwiHards – Edward’s Anaconda don’t want none, if you got Bunions.  Vampire lovers everywhere will argue, very fairly, that the above photo is a still taken from his role in one of the Harry Potter films. But that doesn’t account for Pattinson admitting that he thinks “Kristen Stewart’s best asset is her feet”. Two pieces of evidence is no mere coincidence.  Clearly, Cedric Diggory enjoyed having the dark lord’s foot all up on his face.  Rumor has it…wait, he’s British… Rumour has it that he kept deliberately blinking and coughing during this scene so they would have to do another take.  You are just gonna have to face it – the guy likes feet, and resembles a troll doll.  All the TwiGirls and TwiGuys out there better run to your local Korean beauty salon and get that pedicure you’ve been putting off.

All-time LOL!: Best category of humor pics on the web

Some people say the Internet is slowly rotting our culture, destroying our morals and eating away at the fabric of society one bukake film at a time.

Those people are right. But the Internet is also a treasure trove of hedonistic pleasures for those of us who have already given into the depravity of the web’s seedy underbelly. And, yes, the web’s seedy underbelly is actually about 90% of the whole thing, which means the Internet is actually like Nicole Richie — there’s the creepy part you can’t stop looking at and then there’s the creepy part you never want to see again. I’ll let you figure out which among Nicole Richie’s teetering bobble head and stick drawing known as a body is which.

As one might surmise from the topics du jour at LND that we enjoy partaking in the Interwebs for the steady stream of comedy that pours from the internet like Old English-scented semen and urine down a homeless man’s pants leg. That, and the sports. I would mention porn, but I assume we all know that’s a given. Saying you like the Internet for all the porn is like saying you like food when you’re hungry or you like to look at pictures of Nick Nolte when you need to be too scared to sleep for the next three weeks.

Speaking of old Nolte, he is prominently featured in our latest late night debate: Funniest category of pictures online

1. Fat people

We shouldn’t laugh at fat people. Not because they’re not funny, but because the U.S. predicts that 75% of Americans will be overweight by 2020. Seriously, they outnumber us now. Unless you’re a Senate Republican, you should not fuck with the majority.

But from the beginning of time, fat people have been such an easy target. Their bodies are literally bursting at the seams with humor, they’re too slow and lazy to really stop us from making fun of them, and our stinging words only drive them to eat more, which is probably what they want anyway.

And then there’s a whole subset of pictures on the Internet highlighting the joys of fat people using tiny things.

Thanks to the Internet, fat kid humor is no longer strictly the domain of cruel kids in middle school or plus-size legends like Chris Farley. Now one needs only Google “fat chick” and get ready for the ride of your life!

2. lolcats

You’ve mocked it, you’ve said you don’t get it, you’ve made fun of the creepy 45-year-old single guys that put up pictures from the website in their office cube. Now, I challenge you to spend five minutes on the site and not laugh.

If you just accepted my challenge, it is now at least 30 minutes later and Perron is yelling at me for driving away traffic to the best network of humor blogs in the universe. Well, other than professional athlete blogs, but that mishmash of Chad OchoCinco apologies for putting a phone sex line number on his OchoCincos cereal box and Marshawn Lynch attempts to learn English right in front of our very eyes is more unintended humor.

Suffice it to say that humor blog kingpin Ben Huh stumbled onto something with those maddeningly precious furry felines. They’ve managed to become so ubiquitous because uses for the pictures are so universal. Need to break up with your boyfriend? Got that. Need a way to break the news that you’re gay to your parents? Done.  Need a foolproof tool to show your coworkers you actually have a sense of humor? Sorry, even lolcats has its limitations.

3. Celebrity mug shots

Much like the first two categories, celebrity mug shots are so fantastic because of their diversity.

You’ve got the James Brown (RIP) and Nick Nolte “I’m so fucked up on liquor and crack right now that I think I just killed a goat with my bare hands and used its blood to style my hair” look. You’ve got the Paris Hilton “I’m too stupid to know I’m being arrested and just see a camera so I’m going to pose now” look. You’ve got the Hugh Grant “Seriously, even in real life after getting arrested for soliciting a blow job from a hooker, I can still only appear charmingly bemused” look. And then you’ve got the Michael Jackson … I don’t know what the fuck Michael Jackson’s mug shot look is, but that’s probably because MJ did not actually have a real face when that shot was taken.

The verdict

Fat people is the easy pick, lolcats is the embarrassing pick, celebrity mug shots is the cool pick. Seriously, this is as close to a hung jury as LND has ever experienced. I’m going to throw the whole post out and go with pictures of passed-out drunks. Hey, fuck you. It’s my blog and I can do what I want. Just vote and you can decide which one is best.

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