Better crazy hair – Coco Crisp or Tony Allen?

Today’s professional sports have become very corporate.  Players are encouraged not to express their own personalities and to fall in line with the norm.  This shows itself in many areas including press conferences – where players just talk in generic coach-speek, fashion – where players all have their own personal stylist to adhere with the league dress code, and with their hair – where “high and tight” is the norm and not just another way to describe 6’8″ Britney Griner’s vagina.

That’s why it is refreshing whenever an athlete like Brian Wilson or Scotty Hopson does something a little different and crazy.  All athletes are a little bit crazy in one way or another (or in the case of Ron Artest every way humanly possible), so why not show it with your hair?  Recently two athletes did just that. So who has the better crazy hair?

Tony Allen – Memphis Grizzlies

Tony Allen is known as a guy that is a little bit crazy – a tenacious defender who is an above average athlete but mostly gets along on heart, grit and grind – which is why this t-shirt exists and this one is about to.  I am a fan of Tony Allen because his success in the NBA has been above and beyond what his talent says it should have been.  You have to respect that.  But then he went and got his hair cut like this:

Yes, that is the Memphis Grizzlies logo  etched into the back of his head.  He took inspiration from the old school styles of Dennis Rodman and Anthony Mason and went to a whole other level with it.  The detail is amazing.  The white chalk outline!  The white chalk mouth! The glitter for eyeballs!  This dude is confident enough in his manhood to wear glitter in his hair! Amazing! Exclamation point!

Coco Crisp – Oakland A’s

This is another guy that I have always been a fan of.  Lets just get the obvious out the way – knowing damn well there is a cereal called Cocoa Krispies, he willing goes by the name Coco Crisp (actual full name is Covelli Loyce Crisp).  Add that to the fact that he started his career with my Indians and stole about 30 bases in half of a season for my fantasy baseball team last year and you have one my favorite baseball players even before this amazing hair was unleashed.  For years Coco sported really long braids.  A couple of weeks ago he took them out and this was the result:

Now that is an afro.  He has to have on like a size 30 cap to contain all of that hair.  He took inspiration from Oscar Gamble’s old school fro but went even bigger. I love how retro this is and how it matches perfectly with the A’s throwback jersey.

Both of these are great, but ultimately I have to give the edge to Coco because he has worn his hair like this for several games now and Tony Allen’s hair unfortunately never saw the court.


NBA Playoff Preview

Please note something very important below – neither Dunn or Jay think the first round will ever be completed.  When they e-mailed their picks to me both of them seemed to think that the first round was a best of five.  The NBA first round switched to a best of seven EIGHT YEARS AGO! 8!  This is what happens when you reach 30 – you only remember things the way they were when you were a child. You forget about the great Bulls/Celtics 7 game first round series from 2009 or the 8th seeded Warriors knocking off the top seeded Mavs in six games and instead you remember Dikembe Mutombo falling to the ground holding the ball above his head after his Nuggets beat the Sonics in a best of five way back in 1994.  Also, it apparently makes you not realize that the Lakers and OKC can’t meet until the Conference Finals.

Perron’s Picks

First Round

Bulls over Pacers – 4-0
The Pacers actually have a very promising, very young, and very white team, but the Bulls go hard every game and will not let up at all. Sadly – this is going to be a thrashing.  Does anyone know if Reggie Miller has a son?  How about Cheryl Miller? I would settle for Reggie’s nephew to save the franchise. Everyone knows Cheryl is really just Reggie wearing a wig anyway.

Magic over Hawks – 4-0
The Hawks have given up on the season yet again.  With all of the crazy off-season drama last year and the greatest collection of free-agents ever you know who got teh largest contract of all of them?  Lebron? Wade? Bosh? Amare? No x 4.  It was Joe Johnson.  That’s why you are the Hawks.

Heat over Sixers – 4-1
The Heat are the opposite of the Bulls – they like to take a game off here and there. This should be a sweep but it won’t be.  Because the Heat are Like a Bosh:

Celtics over Knicks – 4-3
I badly want to pick the Knicks but they can’t win on the road.  Neither can the Celts. This will go seven and the C’s will blow them out in game 7 after everyone gets excited about how the Knicks are back, then promptly forget about them until they sign Deron Williams in July.

Spurs over Grizzlies – 4-2
The Grizz will make it interesting, but ultimately some random guy the Spurs got from the D League will step up and everyone will wonder where he came from.

OKC over Denver – 4-2
Denver is super deep and will give the Thunder some trouble, then Kendrick Perkins will set a pick so hard that the Birdman’s neck tattoos turn black and white.

Lakers over Hornets – 4-0
The Hornets fate was sealed when David West was lost for the year.

Blazers over Mavs – 4-2
Here is the first round upset.  Portland is simply playing way better basketball than Dallas right now.  Hopefully the nation can finally see Lamarcus Aldridge play – dude is a beast.

Second Round

Bulls over Magic – 4-1
The Bulls don’t take games off so they will roll once again – or else Thibodeau might kill them because he is the NBA’s version of Frank Martin.

Heat over Celtics – 4-3
Let me reiterate – the Celtics can’t win on the road.

Lakers over Blazers – 4-2
The Lakers got themselves into the easy half of the West bracket.

OKC over Spurs – 4-2
Changing of the guard out West.  The Spurs big three will officially be dead after this.  And Tony Parker might actually be dead if he runs into one of Kendrick Perkins picks.

Conference Finals

Heat over Bulls – 4-3
The Heatles will put it all together by this point.  Lebron is still the greatest player on the planet and should win MVP again.  The team he was on this year won 11 more games than last year.  The team he left won 42 fewer.  In addition to being the best player alive, I’d say he is pretty valuable.  Rose will win the MVP and recieve the award sometime during this series. Lebron will not like this.

OKC over Lakers – 4-3
Before the season I picked OKC and the Heat to meet in the finals. I’m sticking with it.


OKC over Heat – 4-3
This I am switching up.  OKC is too physical with Perkins and Westbrook.  Lebron and Wade are both physical but Bosh will cower the first time Perkins hit him with an elbow and he runs into one of those signature picks.

Dunn’s Picks
West First Round
Lakers over Hornets
Bottom line the Lakers are extremely lucky to have gotten this match up. CP3 by himself equals a sweep.

Thunder over Nuggets
A lot of people seem to think because the ex-Melo’s are rolling this is somehow gonna extend into a playoff series win. I think opposite. The Thunder are deep and stole the C’s mojo when the Celts made the worst trade ever.

Spurs over Grizzles
I’m just gonna give you the “c’mon son” face.

Mavs over Blazers
If the Blazer trainers weren’t on a personal mission to completely sabotage what should have already been a great career for Brandon Roy, the Smokers would prevail. But the docs are, and I don’t bet against my brethren. Viva Deutschland!

East First Round
Bulls over Pacers
If Granger puts on my authentic 31 jersey and somehow morphs into Miller Time then we might make one game close. Might. Probably not.

Heat over Non-Iversons
Wrong AI means no chance. I’m not sure three AI’s, a Thr-Iverson if you will, could help this team win the series. Well that might be a stretch, but you catch my drift.

Magic over Hawks
The Hawks only play half the time so I only see them winning half the games. Plus Howard’s first five tech series will give the Hawks a game or two. Hey Dwight, calm down buddy. You’re not Shaq.

Knicks over Celtics
I can’t believe I typed that. I am just seeing an older and older Celtic team. Moving on.

West Semi’s
Lakers over Mavs
I really don’t care who wins. But, I would bet a nice chunk on the Mavs imploding.  4-2

Thunder over Spurs
One is just too old. The other is the future. Guess who prevails? 4-2

West Finals
Lakers over Thunder
Barely. And Odom gets sodomized by Durant. Literally. In front of Mrs. Piggy. 4-2

East Semi’s
Bulls over Knicks
This ain’t MJ against Pat. Get serious. But, same outcome.

Heat over Magic
Dwight Howard and his arsenal of shooters might as well have cap guns against the Big 3. Too much firepower, for the Heat

East Finals
Heat over Bulls
I will not be another person that deny’s the destiny of this team. I wanted the Pats to go undefeated and fucking Eli and company ruined it. I love the Heat’s team and I want LBJ to get a ring.

Heat over Lakers
Artest won’t have some miraculous game this time around. Go Heat!!!!

Jay’s Picks
West First Round
Lakers over Hornets – 3-1
I can’t wait to see the stripes, aka Kobe’s “fucking faggot” brigade,” give him
a de facto suspension in game 1 whistling him for every push off and crybaby
face. Lakers still role. Kourtney Kardashian still ugly.

Thunder over Nuggets – 3-2
Having no stars is the new having big stars. Amazing how every once in a while
the NBA teaches you how it actually does count to be a “team” that “listens” to
its “Hall of Fame coach.” Thunder are still too good for the Fighting George

Spurs over Grizzlies – 3-0
Grizzlies went undefeated in the preseason. I then picked them to make the
playoffs as the No. 8 seed. Let’s go ahead and cut predictions of miraculous
Grizzle feats while we’re ahead.

Mavericks over Blazers – 3-1
I like the Mavs, but I like the Mavs every year. I’m going to go ahead and
predict right now that one of my predictions of the Mavs winning a series will
be wrong. Dirk is soft as strudel.

East First Round
Bulls over Pacers – 3-0
Here’s the team I should be picking to come out of the East.

Celtics over Knicks – 3-1
Here’s the team I will be picking to come out of the East. Let me explain –
While Man was given the great gift of reason while walking this earth, he was
also given to thinking he’s way more awesome than anyone if he says something
before anyone else says it’s going to happen. Why do you think we love
Nostradamus so much. The world loves a good prophet. Now, since I called
Lakers-Celts one mo’ gin some seven months ago, and both teams are in decent
enough position to make a run at the finals, I am tied by man-pride to stick
with that preseason prediction even though every fiber of my being knows the
gray-haired, dangle-testicled, gout-having, arthritis-ridden, prostate-swollen,
finicky-colon-having Celts are in no shape to make a run past the Heat or the
Bulls (much less both). As for this series, remember what I said about Denver?
Melo is the new Iverson (love you Chuck) – team cancer.

Heat over Sixers – 3-0
The Sixers talents will be lost somewhere in the airport on the way to South

Magic over Hawks – 3-2
Poor Hawks. Always good enough to roll through the two-thirds of the East that
is pathetically bad. Never QUITE good enough when the real competition starts.

West Semis
Thunder over Spurs – 4-3

In preparation for the most exciting seven game series in years in the next round, the Thunder will win the most boring seven game series in years. Not a single game will be decided by less than eight points.

Lakers over Mavs – 4-2
It’s just inevitable, like Kardashians on TV. The Lakers will march to the finals. Just get over it.

East Semis
Bulls over Magic – 4-2
Man, the Bulls have an easy road to the East Finals. Yes, the Magii are pretty
tough in the playoffs, but isn’t Gilbert Arenas still on this roster? My
apologies to ‘Melo. The biggest cancer in the NBA lives in Disneyland.

Celtics over Heat – 4-2
Yeah, despite what I just wrote about the Cs, I honestly believe this right now.
More and more every second I type it. How is that possible? Did I not just see
the Heat destroy the Cs 100-77 when home court for this series was on the line?
Of course I didn’t. I watched the highlights. Look – the Heat are still such a
fragile collective ego that the grizzly ole nut sacked Cs will know all they
need to do is punch them in the mouth in game 1 and the Heat will fall into

West Finals

Lakers over Thunder – 4-3
Best series of the playoffs alert. I probably love Kevin Durant for no better
reason than Kobe continually tries to mind-fuck him, and he just responds by
balling on the Lakers like no other team. 

East Finals
Celts over Bulls – 4-3
So if the Baby Bulls took the Cs to the limit a couple of years ago when the
Celts were near their very best, how is this one going to work out? Well, one,
my man-pride requires me to make this pick. Two, Shaq. My entire premise for the
Cs making the Finals this year has been Shaq, and my entire reason for still
picking the Cs is the absurd bet Shaq is actually healthy for the playoffs.
Honestly, I still don’t think the Bulls are ready to run all the way to the
finals. They’re a year away.

Lakers over Celts – 4-2
I hate Kobe Bryant. Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. But here, the Shaq
juice runs dry for the thin-lipped, saggy-assed Cs. As much as I’m betting Shaq
helps in the East, he is actually the absolutely worst thing the Cs could have
done to prepare for another Lakers-Celtics finals match up. Kobe is going to be
so energized by asshole power, he’s going to average a tripe double in this
series – points, rebounds and points on absurdly difficult 19-ft turnaround
jumpers in double coverage when he had a teammate wide open under the rim. I
mean, seriously, Cs? You thought it was a good idea to give Kobe a chance to
prove once and for all he is better than Shaq?

2011 NCAA Tournament: Year of the small school run?

There is a particular resident LND writer, not naming names, but let’s call him Schmerron Schmingleton, who is proudly proclaiming victory over his preseason college hoops prediction that 2011 would be the year of the small conference schools running deep in the tournament. This claim of victory might have gone unnoticed, except another LND writer, not naming names, but let’s call him Sexy Square Nuts, called out Schmerron’s manhood before the start of the Tournament saying 2011 would be dominated by the big league schools.

Following the first weekend, Perron…oops, I mean, Schmerron…declared: “way back in the preseason i wasn’t calling for chaos in the tournament – but rather small conference schools making long runs. richmond, vcu, butler, byu, sdsu have proven me right already. it’s another year of the small school. at least one of those teams will win another game or two.”

Mr. Schmingleton’s apparent inability to use caps aside, this caused Square Nuts to raise an eyebrow. (By the way, can you imagine a pair of nuts with eyebrows? It’s like dirty Mr. Potato Head.)

So why is this debate happening? A) It’s timely. B) What else are we going to talk about? Regular season NBA or NHL? Pass. C) Perron thinks he’s right, and Jay just can’t stand when that happens. D) It turns out, it’s a pretty interesting analysis and it hinges on a couple of key assumptions.

The head to head returns to LND right now! Let’s get to it.

Jay says: This ain’t no year of no small conference school.

This debate calls for getting a few things unLiberace—that is to say, straight—first.

1) Perron and I agree – a “long run” = making it to the Sweet 16 for a small school.

Perron leans on Richmond of the Atlantic 10 and BYU and San Diego St. of the Mountain West to make his small school argument. Let’s just throw those teams out the window, because the assumption that the A-10 and MWC are small conferences is patently absurd.

Both the A-10 and MWC have received 9 bids over the last three tournaments (the PAC 10 has only garnered 10). Going back a decade, both have 25 bids over the last decade – a solid 2.5 teams per season. The only other league that has averaged more than 1.3 bids per season in the last decade outside of the “BCS Conferences” (ACC, Big 10, Big 12, Big East, PAC 10, SEC) is C-USA with 26 bids, but 17 of those came in the 2002-2005 timeframe before the Big East raided the cream of the conference, taking Marquette, Cincinnati and Louisville (and a few other teams no one gives a shit about).

The A-10 and MWC both also sport multiple teams with a lot of hoops history—Xavier, Temple, Utah, UNLV anybody?

So I’ll admit the A-10 and MWC aren’t “big conference schools,” but they’re clearly in another league above Perron’s “small conference schools.” Let’s call them “middle conference schools,” and there’s a distinction there from “mid-majors.” Mid-majors are the better teams from the small conferences. Gonzaga was the quintessential mid-major in the late ‘90s. (Although the ‘Zags are like Boise St. in football at this point – they’re established as a major).

So, eliminating the Big 6 conference and the 3 middle conferences (A-10, MWC and C-USA-which was really a big conference from 2002-2005 and then a small conference plus Memphis from 2006 on, but we’ll split the difference for this debate) and you’re left with VCU and Butler as small schools left in 2011.

Does two small conference schools in the Sweet 16 qualify as “another year of the small school?”

As mentioned, I refuse to count Gonzaga as a small school, and that actually benefits Perron’s argument (because ‘Zaga didn’t make the Sweet 16 this year, but would have pushed the small school average up over the last decade). That said, 4 small schools not named Gonzaga made the Sweet 16 in 2010, 3 made it in 2006, 2 did it in 2008, 2007 and 2002, and  1 did it in 2005, 2004 and 2003.

So, in the last 10 years, more small schools have made the Sweet 16 in 2 years and the same amount have made it in 3 years. Two small schools is the median and barely above the mean (again, these numbers would be even better for me if I counted Gonzaga, but I’m not). Basically, count on two Cinderallas per year.

Curious about those middle conference schools?  They’re the real aberration this year. Three middle conference schools made the Sweet 16 this year compared to a 10-year average of only 1.5 (which is actually the average both pre- and post-C-USA shakeup). So, there you have it, P, it was the year of the conferences that are always really good at the top and just aren’t as deep as big conferences not named the PAC 10.

But back to this “small school” thing. I feel like I made a safe assumption that everyone can agree with when I said you just can’t consider Gonzaga as a small school anymore. That time ended in 2001 after the Zags made their third straight Sweet 16.

So if we can make that leap with Gonzaga, what about Butler? The Bulldogs made their fourth Sweet 16 in the last 10 years this year. They were about two inches away from winning a national title last year against Duke – officially, The Man (in the bad context, not the good) of college hoops. Want to know how many teams have made the Sweet 16 more than Butler in the last 10 years? Eight—Duke (8), UConn (6), Kansas (6), Michigan St. (5), North Carolina (5), Texas (5), Arizona (5) and Kentucky (5).

College basketball success is measured in March. Can you really count one of the 10 best postseason programs of the past decade as a “small school?”

If you do, fine – then 2011 was the same as any other year for small schools. If you think the 2010 national runners up have ascended beyond small school status, then 2011 offered you all of one true Cinderella run.

Good luck VCU!

Your ball, P-diddles.

Perron says: This am so another year of the small conference school.

Since Jay used up the entire allowable word count for his argument,  I will make this a short retort.

The main problem with Jay’s argument is that there is too much focus on the other teams in the conference of the schools in question and not enough analysis of the schools themselves.  Xavier, Temple, Utah, and UNLV do indeed have strong basketball programs, but you have to make a Grand Canyon-sized leap to apply that to the other teams in their conferences. That is like saying Duke is a big football school because they are in a conference with Virginia Tech and Florida State. So lets look at these small schools individually:

San Diego State – this team has never won a single game in the tournament before this season.  Enough said.

Richmond – they have only been to nine tournaments ever and only one other sweet sixteen way back in 1988.

BYU – they have not been to the sweet sixteen in 30 years with 1981 being the last time.

Butler is more interesting because they have become somewhat of a staple in the sweet sixteen.  But we are talking about a team that plays in the Horizon League – a conference that perennially only gets one bid. They play in the gym that was used in the movie Hoosiers.  Despite their recent run of success, they are the defining example of a  small school.  In fact my original argument was that a small school will make “another Butler-like run to the Final Four.”

Add VCU and you have 5 small schools in the sweet sixteen this year and a victory for me.

LND Bracket Challenge

Join the LND Bracket Challenge

We all know the cliché.   The person that wins every office pool is always the receptionist that picked the games based on which team’s point guard has the cutest butt or the gay guy in IT that picked the games based on which teams center has the cutest butt.  Disclaimer: not all gay guys like large men. Are you tired of this happening all the time?  Are you ready for a bracket pool where the people who actually know something about college basketball have a real chance at winning?  Do you think the experts that watch all of the games are the ones that deserve to win?

Then look no further.  The LND staff are are the experts and we will crush you.

Join the LND Bracket Challenge


Best Thing about the Super Bowl

Super Bowl Sunday is almost here and LND is here to tell you exactly how the first 10 minutes of the game will go – while everyone is talking about how badly Christina Aguilera butchered the National Anthem there will be a coin toss that the Packers will win and all of their fans in the crowd will go crazy.  The Steelers will kick off to the Packers and then half of the people at your Super Bowl party will immediately lose interest in the game and begin to talk about how good the cheese dip is or whether it’s funnier to call him “Rapelisberger” or “Rapistberger”.  More people will stop watching the game as the Packers drive for the next couple minutes before they punt the ball away and then when basically nobody at the party other than the people wearing Polamalu or Rodgers jerseys are paying attention this will happen: An extremely feminine voice (note – could be a female or could belong to an effeminate male) will shout “Everyone be quiet, the commercials are starting.”

LND is here to warn you – don’t be that lady voice.  You know why? Because the commercials suck.  They suck a big ol’ fat one.  Nobody else cares.  What’s the last Super Bowl commercial you can remember? It was the Bud-Weis-Er frogs and in retrospect that crap wasn’t funny either. In 1995 the commercials were funny because streaming video on the internet had not yet been invented and neither had DVRs. If you want to watch funny 30 second video clips go in the other room and watch YouTube or Funny or Die.  You’ll stop annoying everyone else at the party and the clips won’t be trying to sell you things you don’t need or already buy anyway. Here are four things you should be enjoying instead of watching Rapistberger, Ray Lewis and Justin Tuck dance with a lizard.

Food – The Super Bowl is the only day of the year where you can show up somewhere with a bag of chips and a jar of salsa, and in exchange eat chicken wings, seven layer dip, pizza, potato chips, chick-fil-a nugget trays, nachos, bean dip, veggies, hamburgers, hot dogs, baked beans, and a 10 foot long submarine sandwich. It is also the only day of the year you might get a chance to eat a football stadium made of twinkies, chips, and slim jims.

Beer – I don’t think an explanation is needed.

Prop Bets – If you don’t know what a prop bet is prepare to get hooked. These things are amazing.  Since there is only one game to bet on this day, Vegas needed more ways to generate cash flow in their sports books so they came up with bets on pretty much any aspect of the game you can think of and cross-action bets between the game and other sports.  These range from obvious ones like which team will score first and who will be the game’s MVP down to one’s you would have to be insane to bet on like who will win the coin toss.  Here are my favorite prop bets for this years game (note – you can actually wager money on all of these).

1. How long will Christina Aguilera hold the note “Brave” at the end of the National Anthem – over/under 6 seconds?  I’ll take the Over

2. Will there be a score in the first 3min 30 seconds of the 1st quarter? No way

3. How Many Times will FOX show Jerry Jones on TV during the Game – over/under 2.5?  I say Under

4. How Many Times will FOX mention “Brett Favre” on TV during the Game – over/under 2.5? I say Way Over

5. Who will the FOX announcers say has better hair on TV during the Game – Troy Polamalu or Clay Matthews? – I’ll go with Polamalu

6. What Color will the Gatorade be that is dumped on the Head Coach of the Winning Super Bowl Team? – yellow is the favorite at 3/2 odds closely followed by water. I’ll take the long shot on Red at 15/2 odds

7. Will a current NFL Player be arrested during Super Bowl Week? I’ll say Yes

8. Blake Griffin (LAC) Total Rebounds against Miami Heat (+7.5)vs. Pittsburgh Steelers Total Points – I’ll take the Steelers points

9. Rajon Rondo (BOS) Total Points + Assists against Orlando Magic vs. Green Bay Packers Total Points – I’ll take the Packers points

10. Will Fergie be dressed as a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader at any point during the Halftime show? I hate Fergie

The Game Itself – People will try to tell you that the Super Bowl is always a blow out.  Over the last 7 seasons the average margin of victory in the Super Bowl is 7 points. That’s only 1 score. These games have been great recently.  Stop pretending it’s 1995 again.  The people who tell you the game sucks are the same jerks trying to shush people during the commercials. Just punch them in the ear and then enjoy what will be the last football game you get to watch until September.

NFL Playoff/Super Bowl picks

OK, so these preseason predictions don’t look so hot right now.  That is the glory of prognostication, all you have to do is make up an excuse for why your picks didn’t work out and guess again – just ask weathermen.  So here is the new, improved, and this time 100% accurate Super Bowl predictions.  How can all three of us be 100% accurate when we have different picks?  This is about football, not addition so all you mathletes will just have to get over it.

Perron’s Picks

True story – before the season started I very, very badly wanted to pick the Colts vs. Falcons as my Super Bowl prediction.  The reason I didn’t is that in LND’s College Football Preview I picked Virginia Tech to play in the National Championship game.  Before we even wrote the NFL post VT had lost to Boise and their title hopes were done.  After that debacle I felt as if there was no way I could do a homer pick again and choose my beloved Falcons to make the Super Bowl even though I thought at the time they would.  I instead went with the Giants and Eli Manning who just threw another interception while playing Madden in his basement.  What did I learn from this? Three things –  That I should go ahead and put down what I really think is going to happen despite my rooting interests, that if I pick my favorite team to win they will lose so I should avoid picking the Falcons at all costs now, and that Eli Manning is the worst QB that ever somehow managed to win a Super Bowl.  Here are my picks based on other things I have learned this football season:

Wildcard Weekend

New Orleans 34, Seattle 17 – because I learned the NFC West can be won by a team that prominently features Clipboard Jesus himself, Charlie Whitehurst.

Indianopolis 31, NY Jets 21 – because I learned that smart QBs like Tom Brady can completely pick apart this Jets defense that relies on too many blitzes. Peyton destroys blitzes.  And rumor has it that the Colts are making their cheerleaders go barefoot in an attempt to distract Rex Ryan.

Kansas City 21, Baltimore 17 – because I learned that every time you count the Chiefs out they surprise you and because I learned Ray Lewis likes to lather himself up and ride giant birds.

Philadelphia 31, Green Bay 28 – because I learned what Vick can do to Green Bay after Kolb got concussed in week 1.  And because Tucker Carlson is a douche.

Divisional Round

Pittsburgh 31, Indy 17 – because I learned if you hurt dogs like Vick you stay in the news every week for years but if you hurt women like Roethlisberger it tends to be forgotten after about 2 months. And also because Indy’s defense can only stop one dimensional teams like the Jets.

Atlanta 24, New Orleans 21 – because the Falcons learned they can’t play so conservative on offense from that Monday night game a couple weeks ago.  At least I learned that’s what I hope the Falcons learned.

Chicago 35, Philadephia 28 – because I learned Vick has taken a lot of hits this year.  He got an unofficial bye last week but the Packers will beat him up again and the Bears will treat him like Kanye West’s security guards going after the paparazzi.

New England 42, Kansas City14 – because I learned Tom Brady wears UGGs.

Conference Championships

Atlanta 17, Chicago 10 – because I learned the Falcons have a coaching staff that won’t be dumb enough to kick it to Devin Hester.  Right?  Right? RIGHT?!? Please Mike Smith, tell me that I am right.

New England 42, Pittsburgh 14 – because I learned Stetson stars Tom Brady.

Super Bowl

Atlanta 28, New England 24 – because I learned Tom Brady has a thing for baby goats.  And because I apparently still have a lot to learn.

Jay’s Picks

Before making my predictions for these 2011 NFL playoffs, I would first like to thank the Green Bay Packers for pulling out a miserable week 17 win at home against an only modestly interested Chicago Bears team so that at least one of my picks to make the Super Bowl actually made the playoffs. Here’s to magical runs by No. 6 seeds to the Super Bowl.
NFC Wild Card weekend
No. 3 Philadelphia 27, No. 6 Green Bay 21
Or not. Green Bay destroyed the Kevin Kolbles in Week 1, but anyone who bothered to keep watching that game by the time Michael Vick was put in knows a near-dominant Packers D had absolutely zero answer for the conVick. The football has looked as natural as a giant bong in Vick’s hands this season and, even though the luster has faded from a near-MVP season in the last couple weeks, next year’s biggest first round fantasy football draft mistake has enough left in the tank to run away from Packer defenders like his younger brother runs from cops.
No. 5 New Orleans 38, No. 4 Seattle 5
I cannot tell you how crestfallen I am that Charlie Whitehurst will not be starting at quarterback for the pathetic Seahawks. Matt Hasselback, sir, you have destroyed my material. Your punishment – starting at quarterback for the pathetic Seahawks.
NFC Divisional Round
No. 1 Atlanta 17, New Orleans 16
Atlanta’s reward for winning the NFC by a two game margin? The second best team in the NFC, the reigning Super Bowl champs and the NFC’s best quarterback in the divisional round. At this point in his career, Matty Ice is a terribly misleading nickname for Matt Ryan (although that 14-13 comeback win at Boston College denying the Hokies a shot at the national title was nice) and an insult to the greatest hobo beer to ever see the shelves of your local Quickie Mart, but the Falcons D is underrated and I just don’t see them exiting the playoffs without winning at least one.
No. 2 Chicago 19, No. 3 Philadelphia 14
What’s the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? Vick’s stick. Ok, that doesn’t make any sense. But if Michael Vick had fought Palins instead of pit bulls, he would be known today as the creator of the most popular reality show of all time instead of a convicted felon. All that said, the Eagles are definitely a little off. The Packers are a better team than the Bears, but Vick has their number. The Bears surprise when the Eagles put up a stinker.
NFC Championship
No. 1 Atlanta 24, No. 2 Chicago 20
Neither of these teams are that impressive, but they’ve managed to win a lot of games. If you like really boring, unspectacular teams with slightly goofy quarterbacks and 9 minute scoring drives, this one’s for you.
AFC Wild Card weekend
No. 6 New York Jets 24, No. 3 Indianapolis 18
Yes, I’m aware I’m picking against Peyton Manning at home. Yes, I’m aware the 2010-11 Jets have been the most overrated sports team possibly ever. But for some reason, and I can’t explain why, when the fat man speaks, I listen. As long as Sexy Rexy is rubbing on his wife’s feet like a crystal ball and predicting Jets Super Bowl victories, I’m behind him (which of course means you will most certainly not be seeing me).
No. 5 Baltimore 27, No. 4 Kansas City 14
Kansas City has managed to stay surprisingly respectable all year and I actually thought about picking them in this game, but those who cannot defeat the Oakland Raiders in two tries do not win playoff games. By the way, did anyone notice the Raiders went 6-0 in the AFC West? If this were college football, the Raiders would be the NFL’s UConn.
AFC Divisional Round
No. 1 New England 38, New York Jets 10
Ok, so I lied. Rex Ryan will personally guarantee his team’s victory or promise to give back his 2010 salary, and Tom Brady will be asking Sexy Rexy if he would be willing to donate that salary to Giselle’s favorite charity by halftime.
No. 2 Pittsburgh 24, No. 5 Baltimore 21
Game of the playoffs right here. You won’t even want to watch football again after this game. A) Nothing will feel the same after seeing the hardest played, hardest hitting game in modern NFL history. B) You won’t be able to stomach the sport anymore after Ray Lewis loses an arm and then throws it to make a tackle on Rashard Mendenhall, only to be one-upped when Troy Polamalu elects to continue playing after most of his brain matter is ripped from his skull when he and TJ Houshmanzadeh’s locks become entangled in an inseparable ball of nappyness.
AFC Championship
No. 1 New England 30, Pittsburgh 17
I say: An-ti, You say: Cli-mac-tic. Steelers have nothing left and probably didn’t have enough anyways.
Super Bowl

New England 34, Atlanta 20
It’s a classic team of destiny, folks. Atlanta keeps it close for a while, but the Dirty Birds v.2.0 go the way of Jamal Anderson’s knees in the second half. No one is stopping Brady from righting the wrong of the lost perfect season this year.
Dunn’s Picks
The die-hard Bills fan in me could truly give not a shit, not two shits, but could give a Dirty Sanchez about the playoffs. I mean, this makes me want to take a dump on the playoffs like the one that chick Biggie Smalls was hollering at wanted on her chest. So after I shit’s on the playoffs, I’ll see you guys in June where my Bills will do whatever is necessary in order to grab Andrew Luck. What! Come again. He’s going back to school!!!? Welp, we need help on the D-Line anyways and there’s always next year. Screw you Luck, I hope you become un-Luck-y and pull a Matt Leinart and suck for eternity!  Whew. Sorry ’bout that. Let’s debate some NFL Playoff results shall we. 

NFC Wildcard

Eagles 24 Packers 20
Every ounce of me knows that this pick is wrong, but since Vick is from home, I’m riding the conVick (as Jay calls him) wagon. I’ve heard analysts tear apart his weak showings the last couple of weeks, and attribute an upset to the Packers changing things up. Well it’s a good thing Vick lives in Nomediaville, where everyone gets their news from hearsay. Unfortunately for CheeseHead Nation we all know that Nomediaville does not exist, and real media does. In the end, Vick will also alter his game, leaving the Packers to do, well,  just that. Or will they? 
Saints 35 Seahawks -7
No, you saw that right. They will most certainly manage to lose points, causing them to not only get shut out, but get negatived (I just trademarked that) in the process. Can never happen you say? To that I answer, you’re right, until now. 
Divisional Round

Falcons 21 Saints 13
 The only parallel I can truly think of to show how the Falcons want to prove they can win without Vick is to compare it to Americans love for something new and fresh. A perfect example of this would be the way most are fawning over a homeless, ex radio host, who squandered his livelihood on drugs, booze, and whores, only to be rediscovered and offered, gasp!, a new radio hosting gig! The Falcons REALLY want to win. The Saints LITERALLY have me in their backfield. And for what it’s worth, he GENUINELY does have an amazing voice. 
Pack-les 31 Bears 13
We all know Cutler is more erratic than a 73-year-old man’s prostate. I can’t help but to seem a bit clairvoyant in foreseeing the turnover laced debacle Cutler puts up for the Bears. At home no less. No good. Because of this, the Green-Philly Pack-les, with their blonde locked LB’s, and their cannon for an arm, light’s out QB simply will easily have enough to stop any Hester runback. 
NFC Championship

Falcons 21 Eag-ers 17
I think the determination of Arthur Blank to prove he made the right decision in letting Vick go for Matt Ryan will BLOW UP IN HIS F-ING FACE! Viva Vick! Viva Virginia! Viva THE WORLD!
AFC Wildcard

Peyton’s 30 J.E.T.S Jets JEts JETS 17
Lady Dunn is a die-hard Jets fan. I am a die-hard Peyton fan. I win. But we all lose for having the audio from Rex Ryan’s foot fetish video on repeat in our head’s every time I see anything Jets or, any feet. You pop an animated plane with shoes on me and I’m heading for the hills. 
Ravens 28 Chiefs 24
I do believe I’m alone in my principles when declaring that although the Chiefs won a depleted West, and they may be without their top offensive weapon (Bowe, not Charles), and their running back(Charles) did play six divisional games against defenses that would have let the Annexation of Puerto Rico work on them, they just might make a game of it. Or, Ray Lewis and Ed Reed will end all hopes.
Divisional Round

Pats 21 Ravens 20
Brady displays a little of that Bieber flare leading a dramatic 2 minute drill for the ages. Ray Lewis will just miss the sack and Ed Reed will just miss the pick as, wait for it, Randy Moss scores the game winner. This psychic mask is beginning to look quite good on me.  
Manning’s 27 Roethlis-rapists 24
In another tight one Peyton manages to escape the dreamy locks of Polamalu (who, after seeing him play live, is THE best defensive ball hawk I’ve seen since my boy Bruce!) and the won’t-take-no-for-an-answer Big? Ben’s grasp to overcome the blistery conditions of Heinz field and get the win. Setting up……..
AFC Championship

Pats 45 Colts 20
No you read that correctly. I have watched Tom Brady and his gang of forgottens dismantle ever nigg…screech!! Sorry I forgot we live in an era where we change history. Sorry. Dismantle every slave(wink, wink Mark Twain) that came in their path this season. This won’t change here. That damn hair has made Brady invincible!
Super Bowl

Pats 42 Falcons 21
As they look to match the 1993 ‘Boys massacre of my beloved Bills, the Patriots show no mercy and Brady makes up for the that undefeated season slip up. Yay, predictable game!

Merry Christmas from Late Night Debates!

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