American Idle


So, upon my return Friday from an extremely peaceful, and beautiful, business trip to Vermont, I decided to rest up as I basked in the cool air from the A/C I had just installed. I had a long week, in high elevation, in a place that could be Charlottesville’s hotter older sister, and I was tired. Plus it was like a million degrees in Hoboken. I mean the type of heat where you see the haze rising from the city sidewalks like that of a BBQ grill and you just want to kill yourself. Hot like it was on the Naughty By Nature Feel Me Flow video. Still an underrated cut BTW. Albeit, I am the asshole who decided to drive back in on the Friday before Memorial Day weekend, but hey, that’s neither here nor there.

Anyways, as I flipped through the channels and watched the Twins lose another on my Blackberry, the dial landed on one of those, “Hey, Are you something-aged and too busy to hang out? Wellll, what are you waiting for? Mosey on over to this website where something-aged folk can peruse and immediately judge other something-aged folk.” Well, not exactly, but you get the picture. Anyways, it got me thinking. Are we all presently living in a society where people are soooo busy working that they don’t have the time to simply go out and enjoy life? At first glance that would seem the case. But keep digging into that nebulus of a rectum and by golly you’ll find that golden dingleberry of truth after all. The true reason we are all steadfastedly running around like kids who just banged their head’s on  the wall in P.E. is quite simple, because we have to. There’s so garsh darn many of us now, and with the population growing everyday like penis’s at a Levitra pill party, your loss is even moreso someone else’s gain. My solution is do as some of us do. Work your tired job simply so you can rock out at night on what you really like to do, alongside your best friend. If you’re not doing that, then well, you my dead-on-the-inside friend, are presently missing out. And you would also be a key figure in the inspiration of this peice.

As I watched the tube I also happened across a series of commercials. Ads. Propaganda, if you will. Analyzation once again crept its curious head and I started to breakdown just what it was I was watching. Through all the local lawyer advertisements (NJ-creepy Bruce S. Gates/VA-stern Lowell “the Hammer” Stanley) and Tech school nursing nonsense that is regurgitated on unsuspecting malcontents, I fished out two shining examples that in my eye, epitomized what I fear America may be turning into. In a world that is slowly starting to celebrate the ideal that everyone should do as little as possible in order to get by, this laziness has reared it’s noggin nationally and I am disappointed. Why? Because we’ve basically told on ourselves. Here’s how:

1. T-Mobile biting an Apple

Remeber this. Now watch this. Hmmmm. Hey wait a minute, somethings amiss! So I could just chalk this up to T-Mobile being the Khloe Kardashian of the big three cell networks, but screw that. Mrs. P had nothing to do with this. This was just sheer and utter laziness. Your first mistake was getting this fake, Jay wait for it, Anne Hathaway looking, random ass girl as a spokesperson. Your second. Getting that Asher Roth/Twista hybrid white guy to rap some weird NBA rap that although quick, was rather juvenile. Your third. Being T-Mobile. Just get Catherine Zeta Jones’ ass out of rehab and get back to what you do best. Being second tier. Like Zeta-Jones will always be to my sweet Salma.

*I could have also mentioned Lady Gaga rehashing Express Yourself, but I have to believe that Madonna not speaking on it has something to do with some sort of monetary compensation. I just think, I mean, my finace’ just thinks they sound too similar. Yeah, Gladys thinks that.

2. Cetain Dri. Making woman more materialistic with every swipe of the armpit

Never has a commercial made women take a step backwards more than this. This put women so far back, I swear I just saw Eve walk into the garden. I mean, why on earth would this complete embodiment of a slut be at this classy of a shindig? I know what you’re thinking. That was my first guess as well. Prostitute. I know, but ironically  not this time. That’s right. It was so she could show how to do as little as possible, in this case be “attractive” around rich people,  in order to “succeed”. I mean she’s already got the used up, Fiona Apple in her Criminal video look going for her, so why not go for the gusto. This is exactly the message I’d want my daughter to see. And of course this guy MUST be a doctor. Why? Because he’s wearing spectacles, that’s why. Head nod. Tactical. Wink. Does that then make me a doctor? Nice. Dunn, M.D.? No thanks. I’ve always preferred ESQ. anyways. I mean, you GOTTA love this exchange:

“Don’t tell me YOU’RE a Doctor?!”

“I, am.”

“Cool.”

Advertisement gold.

So there you have it America. No, No. Don’t try and rebuttal this. You already did it to yourselves. And I could go further and mention how Dairy Queen should be cutting my man Mustafa a check because if these new ads for DQ aren’t a complete dopplganger of Old Spice’s then I ain’t whistle’n dixie. And dawg gone it I was born in Alabama. So shape up America, or if you not careful, we’ll all be Asia’s and half of Europe’s bitch soon yet. Are you ready for learning. And techno. Didn’t think so. Buck up America. Buck Up! 

So please help me to answer:                                                                                             What commercial more said, “Eh, I’ll do it tomorra.”

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Top 80’s MLB star


With Opening Day of the greatest sport in the history of sports less than a month away, it only seemed fitting to debate something about Americas past time. America’s past time? Some would say that would be better suited in explaining our countries penchant for putting its own in debt or engaging in International combat. What America most certainly is not doing is participating in an intense 9 on 9, firing rock solid weapons at each other. Or is it? No, no see unlike the former, we leave the latter to professionals. We here at LND, like to fancy ourselves as half hearted Americans. Men who care more about the New York Yankees than the original yankees (i.e. your fellow man). Men who would rather do long toss, than toss long grenades. Men who just might do a crowhop mid-stroll. Not that we don’t salute those engaged in combat, we just aren’t the types to do it ourselves.
 
When thinking of a new season of baseball, I always like to think about past greats. Seeing Prince Albert demand everything but a stake in Anheuser Busch in order to resign with the Cards showed me what amazing things All Star professionals can request. I mean, Pujols is arguably the greatest player of the past decade. He has set countless records with the numbers he’s put up these first years of his career and has become the standard of the modern great baseball player. Hopefully he never gets linked to the juice, because if so, the only hitters making it in to the Hall from my era are gonna be Biggio, Chipper, and Jete, and those mentioned below. Sad. 
 
In the 90’s it was Junior Griffey. From 1990-99 one would be hard-pressed to find any single player that could match his power, speed, defense, and all around baseball charm. I literally wanted to not only play like Griffey, but BE him. Hell, I wore his cleats playing baseball simply because he did. As a baseball nut, I had Griffey’s before I had Jordan’s. Name another soul on this planet in my generation that could say the same. Tough titty, cause you won’t find one.
 
What I could not determine though was who exactly was the best player from the 80’s? Who was the single player who constantly inflicted fear in opposing teams before even stepping in the batter’s box? Who had that combination of everything and still outdid themselves seemingly every game. I have just the candidates, but first, I’d like to eliminate those who lacked a key intangible, or just played too much in another decade. No need to try to squeeze someone in there who didn’t dominate the entire decade.
Here are those that didn’t make the cut and why:
 
Jose Canseco– for obvious reasons.
Andre Dawson/Ryne Sandberg– They eliminated each other by splitting votes. Sorry guys. Blame WGN for showing Cubs games.
Ozzie Smith- Baseball’s version of “The Wiz” could only defend and steal an occassional base. As fas as power goes, I think Kirk Douglas has a better chance getting hired as an auctioneer before Ozzie would have ever belted 20 homers in a season. (He had 28 in his career, total)
Wade Boggs- He had a chance based solely on his Chuck Norris like beard that he fashioned into a wearable mainstay. That was  of course until he latched onto the dynasty, lost the beard, sold his Red Socked soul to the devil, and subsequently rode off on his high horse, literally, after the Yanks ’96 title. Boggs+horse+Yankees= GTFOOH (Get the fuck out of here!)
Robin Yount- Sure he switched from one demanding position (SS) to another (CF) and got a gold glove at both. But just because you look like the prototypical 1980’s baseball player, complete with a mean ‘stache, that doesn’t make you the best. That, and I swear every time he came to bat I thought I was gonna hear Scarlet Begonias. Good song. Great player. In both cases though, not the reasons people cheered. (Touch of Grey will never be defeated and it has the best music video of all time!)
George Brett- Unfortunately, Pine. Tar.
Tony Gwynn/Cal Ripken- Played too much in the 90’s
Nolan Ryan- played too much in every decade
Kirby Puckett- He’s the G.O.A.T., but he played in the 90’s as well and because of him, killing El Presidente Martinez is the last item on my bucket list. Why? Because he took my hero out and it killed me. I’m not saying I was sitting in my room with Adam’s Song playing in the background, but I was pretty upset.  
 
So with the elimination of these greats, I ask you: Who was the best MLB player of the 1980’s?
  
Mike Schmidt
 
I had a tough time including him and not picking Robin Yount. I mean, they were basically the same player. Enormous power, excellent defense, and a ‘stache that rivaled Magnum’s. He got the upper hand though because he delivered a title to Philly. Something Yount could not do in Milwaukee. Plus I needed to shout out a Philly guy for my buddy Nate.
(and before some novelist cries that he played the entire decade of the ’70’s as well, to them I say, so what? My rules.) 
 
80’s credentials- Led MLB in homers (313), 6 Gold Gloves, 3 MVP’s, 8 x AllStar, 6 Silver Sluggers, 1980 World Series Title, solid mustache
 
Dale Murphy
 
Question. Who was the first NL Outfielder to win back to back MVP’s? I could give you a million guesses and you would have never come up with Dale Murphy. For this reason, and the fact that seeing him live at Fulton County at the age of 9 was my first MLB live experience, guaranteed his entry. (Although Ron Gant was the true star of that game, hitting two homers so far I think I found the balls at home in Alabama.)
 
80’s credentials- Back to Back MVP’s, 5 Gold Gloves, 7 x AllStar, 4 Silver Sluggers, and……… I saw him play.
 
 
Ricky Henderson
 Who was and still is the greatest leadoff hitter of all time? Yes, Ricky. He was faster than anyone before him and talked more trash than anyone since. He was the original collar popper. Nothing made a young Dunn happier than seeing him tee off, do that little hop while popping his collar, and seeing the opposing pitcher snarl in disbelief. Ricky defined so many things in the sport that he very well could still dominate today. And if you ask him, he should be. He is the alltime leader in like a dozen categories, but this neon filled decade was his true coming out party. Just ask a Jays fan about the ’89 ALCS. Oh you can’t because we don’t live in Canada. But I’m sure you catch my drift.
 
80’s credentials- 130 steals in 1982 (still a record that will never be broken and was more than 10 teams had total that year), .400 OB%, 8 x AllStar, 2 Silver Sluggers (he batted leadoff!), 1 Gold Glove, 1 World Series Title, uncouthed swagger and a mean curl to boot
 
So there you have it. You can choose to agree or disagree, but in the end, we are satisfied, because you are debating. Can’t you just smell the fresh-cut grass and damp leather. Ahh, baseball season is here.

Who Goes H.A.M.?


When the Super Bowl beer and nacho B.G.’s have ceased to cramp our styles, pun intended, LND usually likes to spend their post SB days catching up with those other non-football variables in life, like wives, and feelings. Not the crushing feeling of embarrassment that the Black Eyed Peas should have for being utterly terrible. Or the ickiness that Slash’s leg feels after being dryhumped by that dog known as Fergie. No, these feelings should actually make you want to not kill yourself. They should be unselfish. Why do you think Valentine’s Day falls immediately after the Super Bowl? It was some guy’s slick idea of having a whole day to apologize for not paying any attention to said partner for the last six months. Way to go buddy.  

Now, because yet another episode of House Hunters International just will not do, tricking said partners into a movie night with a good flick is always a solid move. Funny I should bring this up because this circumstance just  happened to one LND’er Monday after the SB. Since my second disc of Season 4 of The Wire had yet to arrive, I happened to stumble upon Casino for the 3,747th time.  Yes, I am utterly aware of how great this film is. Although there was one scene in particular that caught my attention this time around. Since the majority of sane people have seen the film I’ll explain the scene. Nicky Santoro is at the blackjack table and is getting housed. A phone call to Ace Rothstein from Billy Sherbert tells us that he has already lost a significant amount of money and is demanding another $50,000 credit. (Mind you, Nicky is being heavily investigated by everyone in law enforcement and isn’t supposed to be in the casino.) Nicky then starts raising hell causing Ace to come calm his friend down. Ace arrives, diffuses the situation by granting Nicky a $10,000 credit, and leaves. Or so he thought. Immediately after Ace leaves, Billy proceeds to eye Nicky. Mistake number 1. Before the old geezer can react Nicky rips the phone off the wall and proceeds to beat down a defenseless Don Rickles. Now, this would make most criminals leave immediately. I mean the heat on Nicky must be at boiling point now right? He just screamed on the HNIC and layed the smackdown on the casino manager. No, no, not Nicky Santoro. He simply walks back to the table and, after berating a couple more dealers, plays on. One word. Gangsta.

And with that I ask the obvious of all questions: What criminal character should have been caught or murdered long before they actually were? (If they were ever caught. hint, hint)

Nicky Santoro (Joe Pesci-Casino)

For the reason I named above. Forget about the fact he boned his best friends girl, was always over-the-top, and had one of the best BJ scenes EVER, this guy was the CRIMINAL. Who else has the ability to run Vegas when he wasn’t even supposed to be there!  Bottom line, it is true that there is not much that separates him from say Tommy DeVito in Goodfellas, but Nicky was a monster in his own right. Although, he did inevitably get his comeuppance in a scene that always makes me want to call my brother and say if he ever gets me beat down in cornfield, our relationship is dunzo.

Best line(s):

Nicky Santoro: Listen to me Anthony. I got your head in a fuckin’ vise. I’ll squash your head like a fuckin’ grapefruit if you don’t give me a name. Don’t make me have to do this, please. Don’t make me be a bad guy, come on.
Tony Dogs: Fuck you.
Nicky Santoro: This motherfucker, you believe this? Two fucking days and nights! Fuck me? *Fuck me?* You motherfucker!

Dexter Morgan (Michael C. Hall-Dexter)

I really debated on choosing Dex because of the obvious factors weighing against him. He not only works for the Miami Metro police department, but in its forensic lab. His closest companion, his sister, is a detective. He has been under the suspicion of a number of his colleagues. Wait a minute! These are the reasons why his being a serial killer are all the more amazing!  He bestied a fellow serial killer, just to get closer to him. He managed to have dozens of the bodies he dumped be discovered, and somehow finagled his way out of it. He even became the best friend of  Miami’s DA, who just so happened to want to join in on the fun. And he was the lone person at his wife’s murder scene, admitted to the murder, and didn’t get caught! A serial killer who kills criminals. Killer!

Best Line-“Harry was a great cop here in Miami. He taught me how to think like one; he taught me how to cover my tracks. I’m a very neat monster.”

Tommy “Bunz” Bundy (DMX-Belly 

I chose this character simply because of the absurdity of his actions, and the ridiculous statements that oozed out of his mouth like the ganja smoke from Lenox’s mangled grill. From his classic lines we know that Buns not only has never read a book (“Never nigga!”), but proceeded to then break down how Sincere simply cannot provide nourishment to his child by feeding him books. Whether he is busting security guards in the best opening scene of a film not named Saving Private Ryan, or busting a wholesome Taral Hicks’ ass in a bedroom scene that makes men envy and women fawn, he smoked, complained, and banged his way into the hearts of millions. Even if it was just a long music video starring DMX as himself.

Best line- “Fuck a book! Get Money.”

Colonel William Tavington(Jason Isaacs-The Patriot)

Never has there been a villain in a movie who I wanted dead from the first scene I see him in. OH MY GOD did this guy get under my skin! Who shoots a person’s son right in front on them and then sums it up with “stupid boy”.  Cold-blooded killers, that’s who. Not only did he have his next in command completely mindfucked, but he was smart as hell too. Why do you think one Heath Ledger is no longer with us? Overdose? Nonsense. It was the slick ass maneuvers of one of the Queen’s best assassins that took out the Joker. Let’s just say, the end of this film is the last time I cheered in a theater. Or for Mel Gibson.  

best line(s):

Colonel William Tavington: [Tavington’s searching for Martin] … I wish to know his whereabouts. So, anyone who comes forward may be forgiven their treason.
[silence]
Colonel William Tavington: Very well, you had your chance.
[turns about to leave]
Hardwick: Wait!
[Hardwick tells Tavington everything]
Colonel William Tavington: Thank you very much. Shut the doors!
Hardwick: But you said… we’d be forgiven!
Colonel William Tavington: And indeed you may! But that’s between you and God.

Omar Little (Michael K. Williams-The Wire)

To effectively explain Omar, I’d like to tell you a story. When I was in the seventh grade, a couple of friends and I were out bike riding. As we rode through a neighboring residence, we proceeded to pass a “rival” group of eighth graders. One such upper classman was none too pleased that a friend of mine was now dating his ex. A few obscenities and fake tough gestures by yours truly later and we sped out of there, chests raised high. I thought that was the end of it. Oh, how the young are so naive. In school a few weeks later, as I left Home Ec and it’s oh-so-tasty “pizza”(which consisted of shredded gov’t cheese, red tomato water, and cardboard pads that resembled an eighth graders acne,crater-faced breakout), and proceeded to the bathroom, who should I bump into, alone, in the hallway. Yep, the main guy of the other crew. That alien ripping itself out of my stomach, just saw blue-and-red’s after drinking til 4 a.m., I’m literally about to cry right now, fear that hit me in that instance. That, ladies and gentlemen, is Omar.  

Best line: “Oh, you must be mistakin’ me for somebody who repeat theyselves.”

So, please help LND select the best criminal. And try not to wet yourself.

To retire or not to retire?


For most Americans that slave at “working man’s” jobs this holiest of days can’t come fast enough. The day you can officially retire. And get paid for it mind you. Remember, unemployed is not retired.  Unfortunately, if you were born after 1975 the chances of you actually getting any Social Security is about as good as one of the Kardashian girls winning an all natural body contest. BTW, I was just walking down Park avenue in the city and saw an advertisement for the pretty one and the plastic one’s television show. I ask, exactly how are they going to “take” Manhattan. If I remember correctly, the Muppets took this joint years ago. Good luck battling Khlo…uh Miss Piggy for that shit. J/S. Yes, I joked the Kardashian’s again, but when you hate someone with every ounce of your soul it’s tough not to continuously find ways to insult them. Anyways, the point of all of this is to determine why, when most can’t wait to quit working, do athletes and artists seem unable to muster the ability to put ego aside and admit that they just ain’t got it anymore. On an average day most slop around like saggy titties on an August afternoon, waiting for the one time where they can validate their shitty record, simply so they can continue playing. (Here’s looking at you Favre.)  

And just in case you were fishing for a way to exacerbate their already sad situation, add the title of “former Champion” to the retiree. Forget about it! Most will give anything to taste that sweet morsel of victory again. Some will give a little too much. But can you blame them? Our society prides itself by ending out on top. Why do you think men shutter when they’re called “bottoms”. That’s not the same you say. Fine, then next time you get home and it’s GO TIME, tell your significant other you want to be the bottom. Yeah, I thought so.

So with this in mind LND asks the simple question of…….Which former “Champion” who is retir(ing)ed would have the best comeback career.

Evander Holyfield

 

The inspiration for this piece might not have a legitimate shot at resurrecting his career, but he will resurrect something. What that exactly is, I’m not quite sure. On a side note before I get into why he should or should not comeback, I do have to mention an interesting thought that just made me quiver ever so slighty. Doesn’t the former champs name remind you of a late 70’s/early 80’s R&B singer? I can just hear the radio commercial with the “We Are Family” instrumental playing softly in the background as the announcer yells….One Night Only! The Black Pack! Starring Barry White, Luther Vandross, Teddy Pendergrass, and….. Evannnder Holyfield! I can just see women fawning over this quartet. I mean I was born in 1981 and I am half black. Something had to sway my blonde haired, blued eyed mom’s mind. (therein lies the shudder inducing thought)  But I digress. This man just might have a shot at recapturing the crown though. I mean we’re talking about a man who head-butted his way to two victories over Tyson. (I saw the Tyson doc, and yes, Tyson was out of shape, but Evander might as well had been Zidane.) He slugged his way through real Heavyweight bouts with Lennox “I’m British, not Jamaican” Lewis and, and he managed to go this entire new millenium without sniffing a ring with either Klitschko brother. Do I even need to bring up his light’s out movements on Dancing with the Stars? Or his money cameo in Necessary Roughness. The man is a damn chameleon! Or, Evander Holyfield. Regardless, aided with performance enhancing drugs or not, he’ll do whatever he has to do to win. And with brass balls like that, I see a new champ* on the horizon.

* I could have petitioned for Ali, but come on man. Be serious. He wouldn’t even be able to hold his hand up to touch gloves. Ha, could you imagine. His shaky glove slowly vibrating across an opponents face like a spazzing eyelid. I shouldn’t laugh at the picture of this, but I like to laugh at things. Sue me. Who are you, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association? Get a sense of humor. Oh yeah, you’re reading our blog, so you already do.

Brett Favre (if he stays retired)

Since the majority of my every being thinks that this time is finally it, I will go ahead and add the penis flasher to this list. Yes, I know he has reneged on his declaration of retiring more than Hov, but just like S Dot, he actually had more in him to give when he came back. When Jay starts doing tracks with Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em or Wocka Flocka (whose name sounds like the sound effect PacMan makes when he’s eating blue ghosts), only then will he be in the state that Brett’s presently in. So in turn, no way in hell should Favre come back. Plus, could you imagine the sex scandal that he would bring about this time around? First time he fondled some masseuse’s(?). Second time he text his penis like Kanye. I bet the third time around he’d go all Screech and just drop a porno. Why not? He is Brett Favre. Admit it. You most certainly would watch his sex tape. At least we know the girl would be ball’s hot.   

LT

Haha, I added this simply because I needed people to read something not rape related about him. But he did have sex with a teenager. Gross. He must not be completely healed from that headshot he took for the Miami Sharks. He did get his million dollars though, and Steamin’ Willie Beamon did drive them to victory, so you never know.

Queen (the band, not her majesty)

Why Queen? Because they were the first to proclaim in an awesome song  just how much they were champions. And dare I argue with the first fully “out”, but fully accepted musical genius in one Fred Mercury? I dare not. I can just see his band mates squeezing out a few more millions by standing his mangled corpse upright as the drug induced crowd, completely oblivious to the fact that Freddy Mercury died almost 20 years ago, all in unison start wailing ….”No time for looooosers, cause we are the Champiuuuns, of the woorrrld.” Glorious. Someone gets me that Ivory that Meth and Red had in How High, but I’s need the more purple one…. named Mercury.

All of these choices are plausible in their own way, but none top my true pick of a forgotten champion who never took his heart completely out of New Jersey……Daniel Larusso

Fuck Will’s kid and Amelia Earhart’s crippled ass, Ralph Macchio is the true Karate Kid/man. He’s as untouchable of a  champion as I have ever seen. He won the All Valley Karate Championship not by joining the faves (Kobra Kai), but by becoming a team of one (Miyagi Dojo). Reminds me of when GP and Malone tried to join that Laker squad only to get roundhoused by the better “team”, the Pistons. I mean we are talking about a guy who can’t lose. He’s no Parker Lewis, but things in Alabama did look bleak before Mona Lisa Vito broke down the obvious similarities between a 1963 Pontiac Tempest and his 1964 Skylark, both of which had metallic mint green paint jobs. Only someone who can break a half-dozen blocks of ice can muster this type of resilience. We are talking about a man who overcame a language gap to survive a typhoon, and in his third adventure, rescued a bonsai tree by repelling like 100 feet down a gorge , all while overcoming the wicked ways of Terry Silver. And remember, he accomplished this while also disguising the fact that little Danny Larusso suddenly had a five o’clock shadow and a lingering back problem, obviously from fighting. (Because he couldn’t have been like 35 when he did this movie!) This is a champion who dated not only Elizabeth Shue, but a Teen Witch to boot. Bottom line, not many people can call a grizzled old Asian war vet their “best friend”, but then again, how many people could get away with being a shower for Halloween. Just one. Ralph Macchio.

So there you have it. Who will it be? The soulful crooner\turned Heavyweight champ? A couple of sexually deviant All Pro’s? A long deceased lead singer fronted band? Or Joe Pesci’s nephew? You be the judge. If you need me, I’ll be over here, practicing my crane kick.

Best Movies of 2010 (period)


Since the Northeastern Blizzard O’2010 has me confined to my chambers like an upper east side teen on Wednesday afternoons, I chose to debate something noseworthy. Or should I say news worthy. Double entendre’s aside, there’s nothing we here at LND like to do more than kick our hotsteppers up and engage in a nice back and forth of make believe with our brains. I read an article this morning that questioned whether 2010 was one of the worst years of cinama releases ever. Ever? I reckon diff”rent there pardner. I call this year the transition period in cinema.  We all go through it. I’m going through it as we speak, a mere weeks since this season of Dexter ended. Do I try and watch DVR’d episodes of Boardwalk Empire? No way! I couldn’t fathom trying to follow a new storyline at this juncture. Let’s just say my Netflix Wire episodes can’t arrive fast enough. Oh well, to the awards!…………

Best movie that would have been funnier had the original guy to be casted not died, and in turn said movie then be remade 10 years later with a new guy who did a capable job…Grown Ups!

David Spade obviously stole the show with his always excellent quips. Rob Schneider’s makeout scenes made me puke after the second one and poor, poor Adam Sandler. Positive: Had his wish granted and got Salma as his fictional wife. Negative: Real life wife also cast in movie, along with daughters. That deflating sound  you hear is Sandler’s penis.

Best Movie  remake about an 80’s video game that you never played, yet felt some relation to becasue you vaguely remember seeing the original movie, but mostly remember seeing it with the sound off while Cameo played in the background…Tron: Legacy!

I must say I was overly excited about this movie simply from the trailer. You know how some 3-D films you know are gonna rock just based on a few secinds of footage, yet others you know will most certainly be complete garbage and you rue the day it was ever conceived? Well Tron was the former. The latter: Yogi Bear. And this final product truly didn’t disappoint. Sure there could have been about an hour less of talking, but the 30 minutes of action were FUCKING UNBELIEVABLE!!!! Now would I go dressing as a character like some futuristic asshole from the Nerd Society? No. But the movie was pretty bad ass.

Best movie about Facebook. Catfis…are you serious?! The Social Network.

When, days after your movie premieres, allegations spring up that the film was fabricated, you are immedately stricken from the list. Anyways, I loved Sorkin’s script and Eisenberg was the same guy he is in everything, except he talked EVEN faster in this than usual. I still think Timberlake peaked in Alpha Dog, oops I meant in On The Line. Who could forget his passionate turn as Make-Up Artist. Gay! No Way!!! Someone hand this guy a fucking Oscar!

Ok, Seriously, that was just a good damn movie…..Inception.

Just when I thought ol’ Leo and Summer’s ex couldn’t top last year’s asylum stay and time shifted break-up respectively, they go and make a movie so dreamy I am not quite sure if I’m in the Matrix or about walk on walls like Turbo in Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. No movie had me on the edge of my seat like this did. Sure, Ellen Page was pointless, and I was kind of creeped out by Marion Cotillard, but Tom Hardy was pretty badass and Watanabe took a bullet like only a cinematic hero could. And he didn’t die!

Those were my standouts from a transitional year in cinema. For those of you who are like, “What? That’s it? That was dumb. You never listed your favorite films idiot.” To that I say, ” Calm down Nancy, I was just getting there”.

Best Film: My Name Is Khan (See it and debate me. Please.)

Better Films: Avatar (in 3-D), The Kids Are All Right, The Town, True Grit, The Other Guys, Hot Tub Time Machine,  Expendables, Despicable Me, Kick -Ass

Worst Films: Get Him to the Greek (waaayyy overrated), Dinner For Schmucks (just terrible), Due Date (Hangover‘s annoying little bother that tries to be just like the big brother, but is just lame), Death At A Funeral (the British version is 1,000 times better. No a million times)

Eh, I guess: Alice in Wonderland, Date Night,  A-Team, Black Swan, Toy Story 3, Easy A, Nightmare on Elm Street remake, Eat Pray Love

Should College Athlete’s Get Paid?


College sports. Either you crave them like Charlie Sheen and “pornstars”. Or you could give a rat’s ass . The major debate exploding like Denard Robinson out of a backfield is if the athletes that play these games so mightily should be compensated for their efforts. Before I go on, allow me to preface one small fact upon continuation of this piece. The two sports I am focusing my attention towards are football and basketball. Why? Simply for the sake of argument. Cause you don’t want to go gettin’ into the big money, high stakes, cutthroat, backstabbing politics of collegiate Water Polo. Oh no you don’t! Cause folk down there! Them cats  on the po-lo side of things, they gangsta. You WILL get diced up! Yeah, I didn’t think so.  Bottom line, these are the two sports that generate the big bucks. Namely, the two that people actually care about.

Because this is solely my own opinion, I’m not basing any of this with any detailed bibliographical referenced, thought provoked,  poignant and factual data. I am simply stating my own, and some other’s, views on a very hot button topic. In all honesty your first mistake was assuming I would research. That’s why’s I gots my degree fo’. So I would never have to research again. Everything I say is glazed with truthiness. Sort of.

I hear you Cam. Do they?

How do I feel on the matter? I’ll sum it up with a snippet I read from an article debating the matter. The reporter asked, not in so many words, How did the NCAA allow John Calipari (below), who has two Final Four appearances wiped off the books for violations, get paid an outrageous income(shade under $4 mill for 8 years) to coach UK, yet they suspend an athlete like Dez Bryant for having a meal with Prime Time! Deion Fucking Sanders! I’d temporarily call off my engagement to have dinner with Mr. Must Be The Monaay.

You’re telling me that although an athlete that is a major reason for your team’s success, which will in turn generate hundreds of thousands, if not millions of dollars in revenue for the school, is deemed unworthy of any kind of compensation? He gets a scholarship I heard people chime in. Yeah, and to that I say why are most renewable on a year to year basis.

For arguments sake, say a player has an outstanding season for a mid-major. This kid puts this team on the national map, amassing stardom themselves along the way. Their collegiate jersey is number one in sales. They’re getting interviewed by every major television outlet. Their team plays and wins a major championship game that this star is named the MVP of. When the dust clears, the school makes $5 million dollars in revenue from this team’s monumental season. Flash forward to next season. The star is now gone.  The team, which started with preseason hype, has faded out of the standings and are an afterthought. The worst part is the star athlete doesn’t get to play professionally and their nominal degree will only get him so far. They are presently “figuring things out”. I say all of this not for the star. Their situation is bad enough. No, I say this for the other players. The third best player on the team, who has no other options after coach doesn’t think they have made enough progress following their sophomore year and they’re eventually cut. Scholarship gone. In an instant, that person has a new $40,000 bill from the private school they could only afford because they could play this sport well. Not well enough, I guess. Sad.

So I ask, if “the Situation” can be paid for bringing ratings back to MTV. If McNabb can be paid to bring “credibility” back to the Dead ‘Skins. If Kim Kardashian can be paid for…Wait. What does she do again? Oh yeah, not die. If she can be paid just for being alive, then why, oh why, in the hell can’t an athlete that makes you millions, get a cut? Jeez. Am I that far out-of-bounds with this? I wasn’t a college star, but I’m not sure I’d want to be either.  Athletes have to deal with pressures and deadlines that parallel any normal high earning, high revenue profession. Why so stingy?

College basketball preview


We here at LND love basketball.  We grew up playing it, grew up watching it, and grew up idolizing those who were fortunate enough to play it on television – whether that person be one of the all-time greats like Michael Jordan or just have one of the all-time great names like God Shammgod, creator of the Shammgod.  Our shared love of basketball can only be matched by two things – our respect for any man willing to rock an ironic mustache and our hatred for Duke basketball.

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Dunn’s picks

So it’s college basketball season again. Which marks the start of real ODU sports, real hatred towards anything Duke, and real allegations against another incoming Kentucky frosh. I swear, UK is like the collegiate social worker. Take in the worst cases possible with the idea of a heartfelt conclusion. Unfortunately for Calipari and UK, after so many great turnouts (D Rose, Cousins, Wall, Tyreke Evans) it was bound to backfire eventually. Like Todd Phillips with Due Date. After so many great turnouts (Hangover, Old School, the underrated Starsky & Hutch remake, and an eerily similar premise of comical genius known as Road Trip), he had to miss eventually. Kanter could still join my Wildcats. Just like Galifianakis could still make Due Date continually watchable. Maybe.

Oh, and as far as Duke, I say hate because it’s not like I can have my main wish granted and just have Duke basketball, as a program, completely eliminated. Or, could I!?  Maybe I could hire Dexter to take out each player one by one like Julia Stiles rapists/terrorizers. Oh how nice THAT would be! I can see it now, right before the knife tears through the plastic wrapping I’d make Dexter tell them it’s all because of him! Then my mastermind plan of ridding the sports stratosphere of any recollection of The Shot we will not mention, except here, will commence.  (BTW screw Coach K, that second cheerleader, Mashburn for celebrating, Grant Hill, the announcer, the UK Center who jumped like a kid with MD to block the shot, and THAT BITCH ASS GEORGE HILL!)

Now my picks

SEC– Kentucky (with or without Kanter) I do love Scottie “I got Hops” Hopson though

Big Ten– Michigan St. (With respect to Purdue without Hummel)

Big 12– Kansas St. (Pullen babay!) Although my two-named brother from another, LaceDarius, WILL be back

Pac 10– Washington (w/ the real Isaiah Thomas)

WCC– Zags (No Omar Samhan, no Saint Mary’s)

Big East– Pitt I guess

C-USA– Memphis (although I can’t wait to watch Culpepper and UTEP)

A-10– Richmond (but watch Dayton)

Mountain West– BYU (Fredette all day)

CAA– Let’s GO O.D.U.!

MVC– U Northern Iowa

lastly ACC, and since I am about to slice my hand completely off……..Duke.

Final Four– UK, UNC, Mich St., & Kansas St.

National Champ– UK (with Kanter) or Mich St. (w/out)

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Perron’s Picks

Many of you may recall that I chose Virginia Tech to win the football National Championship this year.  That didn’t work out so well. Well guess what, I was ready to pick the Hokies to win the ACC, but then they lost J.T. Thompson and Allan Chaney for the season and all of VT’s frontcourt depth disappeared.  This is bad news. Very bad news.  What may be even worse news than this for all College Basketabll fans is that the Hokies are ranked (two weeks in a row now so shove it Jay).  The reason this is bad news for College Basketball? There is not one single player on Tech’s current roster that has played in an NCAA Tournament game, they lost two of their top three post players for the season before the season even started, and they are ranked in the preseason.  That tells me there aren’t a whole lot of quality teams out there. That also tells me that another Butler-type team will make a run to the Final Four and the admin assistant who picked her bracket based on which school she would most like to visit will win your annual office pool again.  And now the predictions:

SEC–  Georgia – I also predict that Tennessee will get put on probation before Kentucky because of the shady practices of Mr. Orange Blazer, but his conference will belong to the Bulldogs (watch out for them as a dark horse in the tourney this year).

Big TenMichigan State takes it. My favorite non-Greenberg coach in the nation has to be Bo Ryan because he does the Soulja Boy, but Izzo is probably the best coach.

Big 12Kansas St. ends Kansas’ run of six straight conference titles and Frank Martin makes some poor official crap his pants after he threatens to eat his forehead

Pac 10Washington I guess.  PAC-10 : CBB  ::  Big East : CFB  ::  poop : sandwich

WCCSt. Mary’s – The Zags get no love from me like a Scrub from TLC.  (90’s reference!!!!)

Big EastSyracuse – Wes Johnson wasn’t that great anyway. He can’t even high five.

C-USAUTEP –  Memphis lost their shady coach in Calipari. UTEP hired their shady coach on Tim Floyd. Advantage Miners.

A-10Richmond will make it three teams from the Commonwealth in this year’s tourney and none of them will be associated with Thomas Jefferson.

Mountain WestBYU – How can you not love a guy that willingly goes by Jimmer?

CAAODU lost a nailbiter to Georgetown, but nobody in the CAA can compete with their size.

MVCWichita St. – The Shockers and their creepy mascot are going to “Shock” some people this year. (Pun!!!!!!!)

ACCVirginia Tech – Screw it. You don’t need a big man to win in this league. I also predict Paul Hewitt will get fired for chronically underachieving with top notch talent and Mr. Red Blazer will keep his job despite chronically underachieving with top notch talent and I still won’t be able to spell Kryschefshki.

Final Four– Duke,  Wichita St., Mich St., & Kansas St.

National Champ– Kansas St.

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Jay’s Picks

College basketball has the nearly undisputed greatest postseason in all of American sports. But let’s not overlook the regular season, which is important when you’re a UVA fan and that’s the only place your’e going to see your team play in 2010. Oh, no, here I go again. Why should you waste your 10 minutes of not-paying-attention-to-work time to read about my moderately irrelevant Virginia Cavaliers? Because a new giant is rising, people. It might not happen this season, but Tony Bennett is formulating a plan in Charlottesville so devious, so underhanded, so devilish that only, well, the Devils would do it. The Duke Blue Devils, that is. Tony Bennett, a well spoken white dude who comes off extremely well in the living rooms of rich, pretentious parents of “high IQ” (read: white) basketball recruits, is literally stealing the playbook right from under Coach K’s scrunched ferret nose. The Crooner of the Court isn’t trying to beat UNC, Georgia Tech or Wake Forest for your typical stud ballers with entire entourages and connections to World Wide Wes. UVA isn’t going to win those battles. No, Bennett is going right after Coach K’s sweetspot – really annoying, ugly white dudes who hustle, make the extra pass, try on defense and pray for the day their coach will give them a gold star sticker to put on their notebook for listening to coach better than anyone. Just take a look at four of the six kids from Bennett’s first recruiting class, UVA’s current freshmen.

Will Regan even came from Christian Laettner’s high school alma mater. Thanks for the blueprint, K. First the Hoos will take Duke’s title for most annoying team in the ACC, then we start taking the real titles.

Getting past my Hoos to the portion of the college basketball universe that the other 99% of the U.S. population actually finds relevant, UNC will own Duke this year, but no one else in the ACC will; the Big East will be another all-out brawl among a half dozen almost elites, leading the entire East Coast population of bracket pickers to again get their brackets busted by Big East overhype; the SEC gets a second relevant team for the first time in a few years, but the Pac 10 won’t find one; the Big 12 will have the best top four teams of any conference in the country.

Some interesting story lines to follow:

1. Kansas St. coach Frank Martin won’t beat one of his players this year, but a woman will have him charged with sexual assault after watching a Wildcats game on a 3D television and a stare from coach’s black, souless eyes actually leaves her vagina suffering from second degree burns.

2. After investing $250 million to convince America we should give a shit about mid-major basketball teams like Butler and Gonzaga with an all out, all season marketing campaign including a mid-major highlight in every Sportscenter top 10 all year and a special mid-major segment in every episode of PTI from November to March, not a single team outside of the BCS conferences will make the Elite Eight.

SEC– Florida (even I think it will be Kentucky, but since Kentucky will end up forfeiting all of its wins and titles from the entire Calipari era in about two years, I’m going to go ahead and speed up the process by handing the stripped title to the Gators)

Big Ten– Michigan St.

Big 12– Kansas

Pac 10– Wait, I thought we were only picking champs for leagues that had a chance of getting more than 1 bid?

WCC– Gonzaga

Big East– Syracuse

C-USA– Memphis (although I still feel dirty picking a program that still has Calipari hair grease all over it)

A-10– Temple. It’s not as fun without Chaney threatening to street brawl on Calipari Rocky V style, but the Owls are back.

Mountain West– BYU

CAA– ODU – and, yes, I will sacrifice a pick in my NCAA bracket to pick the Monarchs to win in the first round, just out of 757 pride

MVC– A team with a bunch of white guys that play fundamentally sound and won’t stop trying hard or shotting threes. Uhhh, Northern Iowa.

ACC- Virginia Tech – NOT. Enjoy that one week run in the top 25, Perron. Sadly, it will be the team with this guy:

Final Four– Duke, Pitt, Michigan St., Kansas

National Champ– Michigan St.

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