American Idle


So, upon my return Friday from an extremely peaceful, and beautiful, business trip to Vermont, I decided to rest up as I basked in the cool air from the A/C I had just installed. I had a long week, in high elevation, in a place that could be Charlottesville’s hotter older sister, and I was tired. Plus it was like a million degrees in Hoboken. I mean the type of heat where you see the haze rising from the city sidewalks like that of a BBQ grill and you just want to kill yourself. Hot like it was on the Naughty By Nature Feel Me Flow video. Still an underrated cut BTW. Albeit, I am the asshole who decided to drive back in on the Friday before Memorial Day weekend, but hey, that’s neither here nor there.

Anyways, as I flipped through the channels and watched the Twins lose another on my Blackberry, the dial landed on one of those, “Hey, Are you something-aged and too busy to hang out? Wellll, what are you waiting for? Mosey on over to this website where something-aged folk can peruse and immediately judge other something-aged folk.” Well, not exactly, but you get the picture. Anyways, it got me thinking. Are we all presently living in a society where people are soooo busy working that they don’t have the time to simply go out and enjoy life? At first glance that would seem the case. But keep digging into that nebulus of a rectum and by golly you’ll find that golden dingleberry of truth after all. The true reason we are all steadfastedly running around like kids who just banged their head’s on  the wall in P.E. is quite simple, because we have to. There’s so garsh darn many of us now, and with the population growing everyday like penis’s at a Levitra pill party, your loss is even moreso someone else’s gain. My solution is do as some of us do. Work your tired job simply so you can rock out at night on what you really like to do, alongside your best friend. If you’re not doing that, then well, you my dead-on-the-inside friend, are presently missing out. And you would also be a key figure in the inspiration of this peice.

As I watched the tube I also happened across a series of commercials. Ads. Propaganda, if you will. Analyzation once again crept its curious head and I started to breakdown just what it was I was watching. Through all the local lawyer advertisements (NJ-creepy Bruce S. Gates/VA-stern Lowell “the Hammer” Stanley) and Tech school nursing nonsense that is regurgitated on unsuspecting malcontents, I fished out two shining examples that in my eye, epitomized what I fear America may be turning into. In a world that is slowly starting to celebrate the ideal that everyone should do as little as possible in order to get by, this laziness has reared it’s noggin nationally and I am disappointed. Why? Because we’ve basically told on ourselves. Here’s how:

1. T-Mobile biting an Apple

Remeber this. Now watch this. Hmmmm. Hey wait a minute, somethings amiss! So I could just chalk this up to T-Mobile being the Khloe Kardashian of the big three cell networks, but screw that. Mrs. P had nothing to do with this. This was just sheer and utter laziness. Your first mistake was getting this fake, Jay wait for it, Anne Hathaway looking, random ass girl as a spokesperson. Your second. Getting that Asher Roth/Twista hybrid white guy to rap some weird NBA rap that although quick, was rather juvenile. Your third. Being T-Mobile. Just get Catherine Zeta Jones’ ass out of rehab and get back to what you do best. Being second tier. Like Zeta-Jones will always be to my sweet Salma.

*I could have also mentioned Lady Gaga rehashing Express Yourself, but I have to believe that Madonna not speaking on it has something to do with some sort of monetary compensation. I just think, I mean, my finace’ just thinks they sound too similar. Yeah, Gladys thinks that.

2. Cetain Dri. Making woman more materialistic with every swipe of the armpit

Never has a commercial made women take a step backwards more than this. This put women so far back, I swear I just saw Eve walk into the garden. I mean, why on earth would this complete embodiment of a slut be at this classy of a shindig? I know what you’re thinking. That was my first guess as well. Prostitute. I know, but ironically  not this time. That’s right. It was so she could show how to do as little as possible, in this case be “attractive” around rich people,  in order to “succeed”. I mean she’s already got the used up, Fiona Apple in her Criminal video look going for her, so why not go for the gusto. This is exactly the message I’d want my daughter to see. And of course this guy MUST be a doctor. Why? Because he’s wearing spectacles, that’s why. Head nod. Tactical. Wink. Does that then make me a doctor? Nice. Dunn, M.D.? No thanks. I’ve always preferred ESQ. anyways. I mean, you GOTTA love this exchange:

“Don’t tell me YOU’RE a Doctor?!”

“I, am.”

“Cool.”

Advertisement gold.

So there you have it America. No, No. Don’t try and rebuttal this. You already did it to yourselves. And I could go further and mention how Dairy Queen should be cutting my man Mustafa a check because if these new ads for DQ aren’t a complete dopplganger of Old Spice’s then I ain’t whistle’n dixie. And dawg gone it I was born in Alabama. So shape up America, or if you not careful, we’ll all be Asia’s and half of Europe’s bitch soon yet. Are you ready for learning. And techno. Didn’t think so. Buck up America. Buck Up! 

So please help me to answer:                                                                                             What commercial more said, “Eh, I’ll do it tomorra.”

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One Response

  1. I do love that certin dri, it cracks me up.

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