NBA Playoff Preview

Please note something very important below – neither Dunn or Jay think the first round will ever be completed.  When they e-mailed their picks to me both of them seemed to think that the first round was a best of five.  The NBA first round switched to a best of seven EIGHT YEARS AGO! 8!  This is what happens when you reach 30 – you only remember things the way they were when you were a child. You forget about the great Bulls/Celtics 7 game first round series from 2009 or the 8th seeded Warriors knocking off the top seeded Mavs in six games and instead you remember Dikembe Mutombo falling to the ground holding the ball above his head after his Nuggets beat the Sonics in a best of five way back in 1994.  Also, it apparently makes you not realize that the Lakers and OKC can’t meet until the Conference Finals.

Perron’s Picks

First Round

Bulls over Pacers – 4-0
The Pacers actually have a very promising, very young, and very white team, but the Bulls go hard every game and will not let up at all. Sadly – this is going to be a thrashing.  Does anyone know if Reggie Miller has a son?  How about Cheryl Miller? I would settle for Reggie’s nephew to save the franchise. Everyone knows Cheryl is really just Reggie wearing a wig anyway.

Magic over Hawks – 4-0
The Hawks have given up on the season yet again.  With all of the crazy off-season drama last year and the greatest collection of free-agents ever you know who got teh largest contract of all of them?  Lebron? Wade? Bosh? Amare? No x 4.  It was Joe Johnson.  That’s why you are the Hawks.

Heat over Sixers – 4-1
The Heat are the opposite of the Bulls – they like to take a game off here and there. This should be a sweep but it won’t be.  Because the Heat are Like a Bosh:

Celtics over Knicks – 4-3
I badly want to pick the Knicks but they can’t win on the road.  Neither can the Celts. This will go seven and the C’s will blow them out in game 7 after everyone gets excited about how the Knicks are back, then promptly forget about them until they sign Deron Williams in July.

Spurs over Grizzlies – 4-2
The Grizz will make it interesting, but ultimately some random guy the Spurs got from the D League will step up and everyone will wonder where he came from.

OKC over Denver – 4-2
Denver is super deep and will give the Thunder some trouble, then Kendrick Perkins will set a pick so hard that the Birdman’s neck tattoos turn black and white.

Lakers over Hornets – 4-0
The Hornets fate was sealed when David West was lost for the year.

Blazers over Mavs – 4-2
Here is the first round upset.  Portland is simply playing way better basketball than Dallas right now.  Hopefully the nation can finally see Lamarcus Aldridge play – dude is a beast.

Second Round

Bulls over Magic – 4-1
The Bulls don’t take games off so they will roll once again – or else Thibodeau might kill them because he is the NBA’s version of Frank Martin.

Heat over Celtics – 4-3
Let me reiterate – the Celtics can’t win on the road.

Lakers over Blazers – 4-2
The Lakers got themselves into the easy half of the West bracket.

OKC over Spurs – 4-2
Changing of the guard out West.  The Spurs big three will officially be dead after this.  And Tony Parker might actually be dead if he runs into one of Kendrick Perkins picks.

Conference Finals

Heat over Bulls – 4-3
The Heatles will put it all together by this point.  Lebron is still the greatest player on the planet and should win MVP again.  The team he was on this year won 11 more games than last year.  The team he left won 42 fewer.  In addition to being the best player alive, I’d say he is pretty valuable.  Rose will win the MVP and recieve the award sometime during this series. Lebron will not like this.

OKC over Lakers – 4-3
Before the season I picked OKC and the Heat to meet in the finals. I’m sticking with it.


OKC over Heat – 4-3
This I am switching up.  OKC is too physical with Perkins and Westbrook.  Lebron and Wade are both physical but Bosh will cower the first time Perkins hit him with an elbow and he runs into one of those signature picks.

Dunn’s Picks
West First Round
Lakers over Hornets
Bottom line the Lakers are extremely lucky to have gotten this match up. CP3 by himself equals a sweep.

Thunder over Nuggets
A lot of people seem to think because the ex-Melo’s are rolling this is somehow gonna extend into a playoff series win. I think opposite. The Thunder are deep and stole the C’s mojo when the Celts made the worst trade ever.

Spurs over Grizzles
I’m just gonna give you the “c’mon son” face.

Mavs over Blazers
If the Blazer trainers weren’t on a personal mission to completely sabotage what should have already been a great career for Brandon Roy, the Smokers would prevail. But the docs are, and I don’t bet against my brethren. Viva Deutschland!

East First Round
Bulls over Pacers
If Granger puts on my authentic 31 jersey and somehow morphs into Miller Time then we might make one game close. Might. Probably not.

Heat over Non-Iversons
Wrong AI means no chance. I’m not sure three AI’s, a Thr-Iverson if you will, could help this team win the series. Well that might be a stretch, but you catch my drift.

Magic over Hawks
The Hawks only play half the time so I only see them winning half the games. Plus Howard’s first five tech series will give the Hawks a game or two. Hey Dwight, calm down buddy. You’re not Shaq.

Knicks over Celtics
I can’t believe I typed that. I am just seeing an older and older Celtic team. Moving on.

West Semi’s
Lakers over Mavs
I really don’t care who wins. But, I would bet a nice chunk on the Mavs imploding.  4-2

Thunder over Spurs
One is just too old. The other is the future. Guess who prevails? 4-2

West Finals
Lakers over Thunder
Barely. And Odom gets sodomized by Durant. Literally. In front of Mrs. Piggy. 4-2

East Semi’s
Bulls over Knicks
This ain’t MJ against Pat. Get serious. But, same outcome.

Heat over Magic
Dwight Howard and his arsenal of shooters might as well have cap guns against the Big 3. Too much firepower, for the Heat

East Finals
Heat over Bulls
I will not be another person that deny’s the destiny of this team. I wanted the Pats to go undefeated and fucking Eli and company ruined it. I love the Heat’s team and I want LBJ to get a ring.

Heat over Lakers
Artest won’t have some miraculous game this time around. Go Heat!!!!

Jay’s Picks
West First Round
Lakers over Hornets – 3-1
I can’t wait to see the stripes, aka Kobe’s “fucking faggot” brigade,” give him
a de facto suspension in game 1 whistling him for every push off and crybaby
face. Lakers still role. Kourtney Kardashian still ugly.

Thunder over Nuggets – 3-2
Having no stars is the new having big stars. Amazing how every once in a while
the NBA teaches you how it actually does count to be a “team” that “listens” to
its “Hall of Fame coach.” Thunder are still too good for the Fighting George

Spurs over Grizzlies – 3-0
Grizzlies went undefeated in the preseason. I then picked them to make the
playoffs as the No. 8 seed. Let’s go ahead and cut predictions of miraculous
Grizzle feats while we’re ahead.

Mavericks over Blazers – 3-1
I like the Mavs, but I like the Mavs every year. I’m going to go ahead and
predict right now that one of my predictions of the Mavs winning a series will
be wrong. Dirk is soft as strudel.

East First Round
Bulls over Pacers – 3-0
Here’s the team I should be picking to come out of the East.

Celtics over Knicks – 3-1
Here’s the team I will be picking to come out of the East. Let me explain –
While Man was given the great gift of reason while walking this earth, he was
also given to thinking he’s way more awesome than anyone if he says something
before anyone else says it’s going to happen. Why do you think we love
Nostradamus so much. The world loves a good prophet. Now, since I called
Lakers-Celts one mo’ gin some seven months ago, and both teams are in decent
enough position to make a run at the finals, I am tied by man-pride to stick
with that preseason prediction even though every fiber of my being knows the
gray-haired, dangle-testicled, gout-having, arthritis-ridden, prostate-swollen,
finicky-colon-having Celts are in no shape to make a run past the Heat or the
Bulls (much less both). As for this series, remember what I said about Denver?
Melo is the new Iverson (love you Chuck) – team cancer.

Heat over Sixers – 3-0
The Sixers talents will be lost somewhere in the airport on the way to South

Magic over Hawks – 3-2
Poor Hawks. Always good enough to roll through the two-thirds of the East that
is pathetically bad. Never QUITE good enough when the real competition starts.

West Semis
Thunder over Spurs – 4-3

In preparation for the most exciting seven game series in years in the next round, the Thunder will win the most boring seven game series in years. Not a single game will be decided by less than eight points.

Lakers over Mavs – 4-2
It’s just inevitable, like Kardashians on TV. The Lakers will march to the finals. Just get over it.

East Semis
Bulls over Magic – 4-2
Man, the Bulls have an easy road to the East Finals. Yes, the Magii are pretty
tough in the playoffs, but isn’t Gilbert Arenas still on this roster? My
apologies to ‘Melo. The biggest cancer in the NBA lives in Disneyland.

Celtics over Heat – 4-2
Yeah, despite what I just wrote about the Cs, I honestly believe this right now.
More and more every second I type it. How is that possible? Did I not just see
the Heat destroy the Cs 100-77 when home court for this series was on the line?
Of course I didn’t. I watched the highlights. Look – the Heat are still such a
fragile collective ego that the grizzly ole nut sacked Cs will know all they
need to do is punch them in the mouth in game 1 and the Heat will fall into

West Finals

Lakers over Thunder – 4-3
Best series of the playoffs alert. I probably love Kevin Durant for no better
reason than Kobe continually tries to mind-fuck him, and he just responds by
balling on the Lakers like no other team. 

East Finals
Celts over Bulls – 4-3
So if the Baby Bulls took the Cs to the limit a couple of years ago when the
Celts were near their very best, how is this one going to work out? Well, one,
my man-pride requires me to make this pick. Two, Shaq. My entire premise for the
Cs making the Finals this year has been Shaq, and my entire reason for still
picking the Cs is the absurd bet Shaq is actually healthy for the playoffs.
Honestly, I still don’t think the Bulls are ready to run all the way to the
finals. They’re a year away.

Lakers over Celts – 4-2
I hate Kobe Bryant. Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. But here, the Shaq
juice runs dry for the thin-lipped, saggy-assed Cs. As much as I’m betting Shaq
helps in the East, he is actually the absolutely worst thing the Cs could have
done to prepare for another Lakers-Celtics finals match up. Kobe is going to be
so energized by asshole power, he’s going to average a tripe double in this
series – points, rebounds and points on absurdly difficult 19-ft turnaround
jumpers in double coverage when he had a teammate wide open under the rim. I
mean, seriously, Cs? You thought it was a good idea to give Kobe a chance to
prove once and for all he is better than Shaq?


2 Responses

  1. Lol on that intro, P. I believe that’s what they call the blind leading the blind. Chris wrote his on the way to Atlantic City and you know his mind was on those angry strippers at Bare Exposure. I just read Chris’ when I did mine and figured he was right.

    I accepted my shame and left the five game predictions, but fixed the Thunder-Lakers mix up.

  2. I had this long rebuttal planned out, but the bottom line is Jay is absolutely right. And this ladies and gentlemen is why I refrain from any gambling outside my Hearts app.

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