More pretentious: Microbrew or red wines

Let me just admit it: I love microbrews, and I love red wine.

I mean, I don’t know a note of lead pencil from bouquet of black cherry, and, no, I don’t taste the orange rhind finish in your bourbon barrel chocolate stout, but I love all that shit anyway. Why? It gets me lit the fuck up, and I look fancy drinking it. Drinking such esteemed beverages allows me to wear fine linen pants, say things like “Well, darling, I’m well enough into my cups that I am now three sheets into the wind. I believe I shall retire to my chambers,” and swirl my beverage around in a glass pretending it will make it taste better when really I just think it makes me look cool.

So, the point is, you can enjoy drinking microbrews and red wines until your heart’s content, but don’t lie to yourself — it’s still pretentious as fuck.

The debate here is which is MORE pretentious? Red wines, long crowned king of the bourgeoisie elite dating back to the glory days of old Europe, or microbrews, new upstart raising a rapidly ascending mismashed class of yuppies, hipsters and upper middle class up the social ladder on a surging frothy head scented with a tinge of shade grown Peruvian coffee beans.


Let’s just take Dogfish Head’s Palo Santo Marron as a microchosm for how pretentious microbrews have become.

A) Anytime the New York Times writes like a 2,000 word style feature on your beer, you know someone’s been ejaculating pretentia all over the walls.

B) When the story that NYT piece is about revolves around the journey of a small microbrew owner traveling to the wilds of Paraguay to lock up a source of an exotic wood known as Palo Santo, which means “holy tree,” so that said microbrew owner may construct a 10,000 gallon wooden barrel to brew an irreplicable libation that is dark as crude oil, strong as Dionysus’ urine and wild as Lindsey Lohan’s nightlife, you know that pretentia ejaculate is actually the foam left on your lip after every sip you take of this $10 12-ounce.

And, representative of a good many microbrews, just look at the glass the sad sap who took this picture was drinking Palo Santo Marron from. Anytime you are drinking brew from something that isn’t a bottle, a can, a standard pint, or something with a big fucking handle, you are pretentious. If you are drinking a ruddy chocolate-colored beer with a firm caramel head out of a glorified snifter, you are fucking absurdly pretentious. What? That perfectly cold 12-ounce bottle the beer was already in wasn’t letting the flavors ripen? Wow…

Might I also mention Dogfish, which I adore because I am secretely a pretentious beer fuck myself who just happens to have retained a taste for Natty Light in plus-48-ounce serving sizes, suggests you pair Palo Santo with chorizzo. And THAT my friends is the final nail in the coffin: If your beer even comes with a suggested pairing, you are covering yourself in ejaculated pretentia. Wanna know what you pair PBR with? …More PBR.

Red wine

For the first time in LND history, I am going to make the case for one side of a debate using solely photographic imagery to prove my point. I make my case:

Click here for a price check.

And finally…

I rest my case. Well, almost, one more thing. This “aroma wheel” actually exists…and wine drinkers actually use it to pretend they taste “wet dog” and “green bell pepper” in their vin du merdre.

So which is more pretentious? Too close to call in my book. What say you, earls of erudite inebriation?


2 Responses

  1. LMAO That’s it. I’m the guy in the red beret for Halloween. Complete with bread in tow. I hope Gladys is ready to answer a bunch of ” I thought that was your FIANCE’?” questions all night. Thank you Jay. Better yet, thank you red wine for being so high brow I am deciding to only call you Burgundy.

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