Who Goes H.A.M.?


When the Super Bowl beer and nacho B.G.’s have ceased to cramp our styles, pun intended, LND usually likes to spend their post SB days catching up with those other non-football variables in life, like wives, and feelings. Not the crushing feeling of embarrassment that the Black Eyed Peas should have for being utterly terrible. Or the ickiness that Slash’s leg feels after being dryhumped by that dog known as Fergie. No, these feelings should actually make you want to not kill yourself. They should be unselfish. Why do you think Valentine’s Day falls immediately after the Super Bowl? It was some guy’s slick idea of having a whole day to apologize for not paying any attention to said partner for the last six months. Way to go buddy.  

Now, because yet another episode of House Hunters International just will not do, tricking said partners into a movie night with a good flick is always a solid move. Funny I should bring this up because this circumstance just  happened to one LND’er Monday after the SB. Since my second disc of Season 4 of The Wire had yet to arrive, I happened to stumble upon Casino for the 3,747th time.  Yes, I am utterly aware of how great this film is. Although there was one scene in particular that caught my attention this time around. Since the majority of sane people have seen the film I’ll explain the scene. Nicky Santoro is at the blackjack table and is getting housed. A phone call to Ace Rothstein from Billy Sherbert tells us that he has already lost a significant amount of money and is demanding another $50,000 credit. (Mind you, Nicky is being heavily investigated by everyone in law enforcement and isn’t supposed to be in the casino.) Nicky then starts raising hell causing Ace to come calm his friend down. Ace arrives, diffuses the situation by granting Nicky a $10,000 credit, and leaves. Or so he thought. Immediately after Ace leaves, Billy proceeds to eye Nicky. Mistake number 1. Before the old geezer can react Nicky rips the phone off the wall and proceeds to beat down a defenseless Don Rickles. Now, this would make most criminals leave immediately. I mean the heat on Nicky must be at boiling point now right? He just screamed on the HNIC and layed the smackdown on the casino manager. No, no, not Nicky Santoro. He simply walks back to the table and, after berating a couple more dealers, plays on. One word. Gangsta.

And with that I ask the obvious of all questions: What criminal character should have been caught or murdered long before they actually were? (If they were ever caught. hint, hint)

Nicky Santoro (Joe Pesci-Casino)

For the reason I named above. Forget about the fact he boned his best friends girl, was always over-the-top, and had one of the best BJ scenes EVER, this guy was the CRIMINAL. Who else has the ability to run Vegas when he wasn’t even supposed to be there!  Bottom line, it is true that there is not much that separates him from say Tommy DeVito in Goodfellas, but Nicky was a monster in his own right. Although, he did inevitably get his comeuppance in a scene that always makes me want to call my brother and say if he ever gets me beat down in cornfield, our relationship is dunzo.

Best line(s):

Nicky Santoro: Listen to me Anthony. I got your head in a fuckin’ vise. I’ll squash your head like a fuckin’ grapefruit if you don’t give me a name. Don’t make me have to do this, please. Don’t make me be a bad guy, come on.
Tony Dogs: Fuck you.
Nicky Santoro: This motherfucker, you believe this? Two fucking days and nights! Fuck me? *Fuck me?* You motherfucker!

Dexter Morgan (Michael C. Hall-Dexter)

I really debated on choosing Dex because of the obvious factors weighing against him. He not only works for the Miami Metro police department, but in its forensic lab. His closest companion, his sister, is a detective. He has been under the suspicion of a number of his colleagues. Wait a minute! These are the reasons why his being a serial killer are all the more amazing!  He bestied a fellow serial killer, just to get closer to him. He managed to have dozens of the bodies he dumped be discovered, and somehow finagled his way out of it. He even became the best friend of  Miami’s DA, who just so happened to want to join in on the fun. And he was the lone person at his wife’s murder scene, admitted to the murder, and didn’t get caught! A serial killer who kills criminals. Killer!

Best Line-“Harry was a great cop here in Miami. He taught me how to think like one; he taught me how to cover my tracks. I’m a very neat monster.”

Tommy “Bunz” Bundy (DMX-Belly 

I chose this character simply because of the absurdity of his actions, and the ridiculous statements that oozed out of his mouth like the ganja smoke from Lenox’s mangled grill. From his classic lines we know that Buns not only has never read a book (“Never nigga!”), but proceeded to then break down how Sincere simply cannot provide nourishment to his child by feeding him books. Whether he is busting security guards in the best opening scene of a film not named Saving Private Ryan, or busting a wholesome Taral Hicks’ ass in a bedroom scene that makes men envy and women fawn, he smoked, complained, and banged his way into the hearts of millions. Even if it was just a long music video starring DMX as himself.

Best line- “Fuck a book! Get Money.”

Colonel William Tavington(Jason Isaacs-The Patriot)

Never has there been a villain in a movie who I wanted dead from the first scene I see him in. OH MY GOD did this guy get under my skin! Who shoots a person’s son right in front on them and then sums it up with “stupid boy”.  Cold-blooded killers, that’s who. Not only did he have his next in command completely mindfucked, but he was smart as hell too. Why do you think one Heath Ledger is no longer with us? Overdose? Nonsense. It was the slick ass maneuvers of one of the Queen’s best assassins that took out the Joker. Let’s just say, the end of this film is the last time I cheered in a theater. Or for Mel Gibson.  

best line(s):

Colonel William Tavington: [Tavington’s searching for Martin] … I wish to know his whereabouts. So, anyone who comes forward may be forgiven their treason.
[silence]
Colonel William Tavington: Very well, you had your chance.
[turns about to leave]
Hardwick: Wait!
[Hardwick tells Tavington everything]
Colonel William Tavington: Thank you very much. Shut the doors!
Hardwick: But you said… we’d be forgiven!
Colonel William Tavington: And indeed you may! But that’s between you and God.

Omar Little (Michael K. Williams-The Wire)

To effectively explain Omar, I’d like to tell you a story. When I was in the seventh grade, a couple of friends and I were out bike riding. As we rode through a neighboring residence, we proceeded to pass a “rival” group of eighth graders. One such upper classman was none too pleased that a friend of mine was now dating his ex. A few obscenities and fake tough gestures by yours truly later and we sped out of there, chests raised high. I thought that was the end of it. Oh, how the young are so naive. In school a few weeks later, as I left Home Ec and it’s oh-so-tasty “pizza”(which consisted of shredded gov’t cheese, red tomato water, and cardboard pads that resembled an eighth graders acne,crater-faced breakout), and proceeded to the bathroom, who should I bump into, alone, in the hallway. Yep, the main guy of the other crew. That alien ripping itself out of my stomach, just saw blue-and-red’s after drinking til 4 a.m., I’m literally about to cry right now, fear that hit me in that instance. That, ladies and gentlemen, is Omar.  

Best line: “Oh, you must be mistakin’ me for somebody who repeat theyselves.”

So, please help LND select the best criminal. And try not to wet yourself.

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One Response

  1. Dexter is awesome. I have being trying to get Adam to get into it, but he just doesn’t seem interested.

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