To retire or not to retire?

For most Americans that slave at “working man’s” jobs this holiest of days can’t come fast enough. The day you can officially retire. And get paid for it mind you. Remember, unemployed is not retired.  Unfortunately, if you were born after 1975 the chances of you actually getting any Social Security is about as good as one of the Kardashian girls winning an all natural body contest. BTW, I was just walking down Park avenue in the city and saw an advertisement for the pretty one and the plastic one’s television show. I ask, exactly how are they going to “take” Manhattan. If I remember correctly, the Muppets took this joint years ago. Good luck battling Khlo…uh Miss Piggy for that shit. J/S. Yes, I joked the Kardashian’s again, but when you hate someone with every ounce of your soul it’s tough not to continuously find ways to insult them. Anyways, the point of all of this is to determine why, when most can’t wait to quit working, do athletes and artists seem unable to muster the ability to put ego aside and admit that they just ain’t got it anymore. On an average day most slop around like saggy titties on an August afternoon, waiting for the one time where they can validate their shitty record, simply so they can continue playing. (Here’s looking at you Favre.)  

And just in case you were fishing for a way to exacerbate their already sad situation, add the title of “former Champion” to the retiree. Forget about it! Most will give anything to taste that sweet morsel of victory again. Some will give a little too much. But can you blame them? Our society prides itself by ending out on top. Why do you think men shutter when they’re called “bottoms”. That’s not the same you say. Fine, then next time you get home and it’s GO TIME, tell your significant other you want to be the bottom. Yeah, I thought so.

So with this in mind LND asks the simple question of…….Which former “Champion” who is retir(ing)ed would have the best comeback career.

Evander Holyfield


The inspiration for this piece might not have a legitimate shot at resurrecting his career, but he will resurrect something. What that exactly is, I’m not quite sure. On a side note before I get into why he should or should not comeback, I do have to mention an interesting thought that just made me quiver ever so slighty. Doesn’t the former champs name remind you of a late 70’s/early 80’s R&B singer? I can just hear the radio commercial with the “We Are Family” instrumental playing softly in the background as the announcer yells….One Night Only! The Black Pack! Starring Barry White, Luther Vandross, Teddy Pendergrass, and….. Evannnder Holyfield! I can just see women fawning over this quartet. I mean I was born in 1981 and I am half black. Something had to sway my blonde haired, blued eyed mom’s mind. (therein lies the shudder inducing thought)  But I digress. This man just might have a shot at recapturing the crown though. I mean we’re talking about a man who head-butted his way to two victories over Tyson. (I saw the Tyson doc, and yes, Tyson was out of shape, but Evander might as well had been Zidane.) He slugged his way through real Heavyweight bouts with Lennox “I’m British, not Jamaican” Lewis and, and he managed to go this entire new millenium without sniffing a ring with either Klitschko brother. Do I even need to bring up his light’s out movements on Dancing with the Stars? Or his money cameo in Necessary Roughness. The man is a damn chameleon! Or, Evander Holyfield. Regardless, aided with performance enhancing drugs or not, he’ll do whatever he has to do to win. And with brass balls like that, I see a new champ* on the horizon.

* I could have petitioned for Ali, but come on man. Be serious. He wouldn’t even be able to hold his hand up to touch gloves. Ha, could you imagine. His shaky glove slowly vibrating across an opponents face like a spazzing eyelid. I shouldn’t laugh at the picture of this, but I like to laugh at things. Sue me. Who are you, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association? Get a sense of humor. Oh yeah, you’re reading our blog, so you already do.

Brett Favre (if he stays retired)

Since the majority of my every being thinks that this time is finally it, I will go ahead and add the penis flasher to this list. Yes, I know he has reneged on his declaration of retiring more than Hov, but just like S Dot, he actually had more in him to give when he came back. When Jay starts doing tracks with Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em or Wocka Flocka (whose name sounds like the sound effect PacMan makes when he’s eating blue ghosts), only then will he be in the state that Brett’s presently in. So in turn, no way in hell should Favre come back. Plus, could you imagine the sex scandal that he would bring about this time around? First time he fondled some masseuse’s(?). Second time he text his penis like Kanye. I bet the third time around he’d go all Screech and just drop a porno. Why not? He is Brett Favre. Admit it. You most certainly would watch his sex tape. At least we know the girl would be ball’s hot.   


Haha, I added this simply because I needed people to read something not rape related about him. But he did have sex with a teenager. Gross. He must not be completely healed from that headshot he took for the Miami Sharks. He did get his million dollars though, and Steamin’ Willie Beamon did drive them to victory, so you never know.

Queen (the band, not her majesty)

Why Queen? Because they were the first to proclaim in an awesome song  just how much they were champions. And dare I argue with the first fully “out”, but fully accepted musical genius in one Fred Mercury? I dare not. I can just see his band mates squeezing out a few more millions by standing his mangled corpse upright as the drug induced crowd, completely oblivious to the fact that Freddy Mercury died almost 20 years ago, all in unison start wailing ….”No time for looooosers, cause we are the Champiuuuns, of the woorrrld.” Glorious. Someone gets me that Ivory that Meth and Red had in How High, but I’s need the more purple one…. named Mercury.

All of these choices are plausible in their own way, but none top my true pick of a forgotten champion who never took his heart completely out of New Jersey……Daniel Larusso

Fuck Will’s kid and Amelia Earhart’s crippled ass, Ralph Macchio is the true Karate Kid/man. He’s as untouchable of a  champion as I have ever seen. He won the All Valley Karate Championship not by joining the faves (Kobra Kai), but by becoming a team of one (Miyagi Dojo). Reminds me of when GP and Malone tried to join that Laker squad only to get roundhoused by the better “team”, the Pistons. I mean we are talking about a guy who can’t lose. He’s no Parker Lewis, but things in Alabama did look bleak before Mona Lisa Vito broke down the obvious similarities between a 1963 Pontiac Tempest and his 1964 Skylark, both of which had metallic mint green paint jobs. Only someone who can break a half-dozen blocks of ice can muster this type of resilience. We are talking about a man who overcame a language gap to survive a typhoon, and in his third adventure, rescued a bonsai tree by repelling like 100 feet down a gorge , all while overcoming the wicked ways of Terry Silver. And remember, he accomplished this while also disguising the fact that little Danny Larusso suddenly had a five o’clock shadow and a lingering back problem, obviously from fighting. (Because he couldn’t have been like 35 when he did this movie!) This is a champion who dated not only Elizabeth Shue, but a Teen Witch to boot. Bottom line, not many people can call a grizzled old Asian war vet their “best friend”, but then again, how many people could get away with being a shower for Halloween. Just one. Ralph Macchio.

So there you have it. Who will it be? The soulful crooner\turned Heavyweight champ? A couple of sexually deviant All Pro’s? A long deceased lead singer fronted band? Or Joe Pesci’s nephew? You be the judge. If you need me, I’ll be over here, practicing my crane kick.


2 Responses

  1. Ralph Macchio is the ONLY Karate Kid!!!!

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