Better Ohio billboard sports smack talk:Rosey TCU or ‘Bronless Cleveland


Considering the oppressive unemployment, crumbling cities affectionately called things like “The Mistake on the Lake,” terrible weather, and defeated people, what better state to waste time and money talking shit via billboards than Ohio?

None, I say, and billboard smacktalk in the Buckeye State has recently attracted a lot of pub to two of Ohio’s bigger sporting embarassments of the past year.

Cleveland: “Oooooh, we’ll get you, LeBron!”

First, the greatest basketball talent, and fourth most caveman-like basketball player (Greg Oden, Sheldon Williams and Joakim Noah, all more caveman-like), alive gathers a national audience to dump all over his home state while taking his talents to South Beach. How might Cleveland enact revenge on the man who single-handedly destroyed the only good thing their city had going for it (outside of the fish from Lake Erie becoming radioactive enough to be used as a uranium substitue in nuclear reactors)? Pee in his drink and smother his food in buttery asshole hairs the first time he dares dine in Cleveland, you say? Hire a French transvestite prostitute to give LeBron chlamydia? No, no, no. People with hopelessly crushed spirits and 50% high school drop out rates don’t get revenge, they get billboard space.

I give Cleveland credit for being smart enough to go after LeBron’s enormous ego. It had to hurt ‘Bron when his hoops holyness, Michael Jordan, more or less said “The King” was more like Dwayne Wade’s eunuch for going to Miami, and Cleveland was trying to drive that knife a little deeper.  The only problem with that strategy was the inevitable answer with the Cleveland Cavaliers sad “Bronless roster: How does it feel to be 8-28 (the worst record in the NBA), because 29-9 is feeling pretty nice?

TCU: Proving Gordon Gee right, the Big Ten are the little sisters of the poor, too

Football people are allowed to say stupid things. We pay them to play football, and coach football, not to read Socrates and Nietzsche. However, university presidents are supposed to be smart, and we expect them to contain themselves from verbal diarreah of the kind Ohio St. President E. Gordon Gee decided to unleash one fine November afternoon while trying to politik his school’s one-loss Buckeyes football team ahead of undefeated non-BCS outsiders Boise St. and TCU. Gee called out those schools bona fides by saying they achieve their lofty records by beating up on “the little sisters of the poor” — like Ohio, Marshall, Eastern Michigan, Indiana and Minnesota (Oh wait, that was Ohio St.’s schedule).

Despite giving Gee and the Ohio St. nation (a pompous group of ignorant douchebags that have been spouting Gee’s philosphy for years while getting pummeled in BCS title games) the ultimate up yours by setting themselves up to finish No. 2 in the final BCS poll, winning the Big Ten’s most hallowed game (The Rose Bowl), and beating the only team to beat Ohio St. all year (Wisconsin), Horned Frogs fans wanted more. And how else to complete the perfect revenge on Ohio St.’s own home turf? You got it this time: billboards. More than a dozen of them, all around Colombus.

Despite a nice Sugar Bowl win against the fourth best team in the SEC East (seriously, you want to tell me Arkansas is better than Auburn, Alabama or LSU?), there’s no doubt the only thing the Buckeyes wanted more than a shot at the BCS title was the Rose Bowl. Instead, some clever mystery TCU fan has provided an inescapable reminder that the Horned Frogs are now the team that took defending Rose Bowl champ Ohio St.’s Rose Bowl title from them, and they did it without ever yielding to the temptation to say, “Fuck you, Gee.” Nicely done.

So which is better?

Well, my billboard, of course.

But if I had to go with a real billboard, I’d have to go with TCU. It’s clean, understated (despite being blazoned across a 50-foot electric billboard), clever and, most importantly, effective because they actually finished on top. (Although, I probably would have gone with a horned frog shooting eye blood in Gee’s mouth)

Cleveland, on the other hand, had to try and get back at LeBron. He did after all, not only take his talents, but about $200 million per year of economic impact away from a recession ravaged city. However, the billboard just ads to the sore loser rap the city has already gotten. Miami is approaching greatness and the Cavaliers are approaching pathetic. LeBron made the right choice. Yeah, he grew up in Ohio, but he didn’t grow up a Cleveland Cavalier. When LeBron is an aging, overpaid superstar with a bad contract one day, he’s going to get cut like a bad hairdo. Cleveland owner Dan Gilbert would have done it too, because it’s a business to everyone involved but the fans. You’ve got to feel bad for Cleveland fans losing their hero, but I also feel bad that they couldn’t even come up with a photoshop of LeBron in some Robin tights to go on their Sidekick billboard.

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One Response

  1. Speaking of smack talk can Welker get a shoutout for his brilliant work in sprinkling foot, feet and toe into his press conference the other day? That reminded me of Jay’s flag football smack talk.

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