Worst New Years Resolutions EVER

Yeah, Gertrude, maybe you should work on dropping those five pounds this year, fatty – or 50. You know, whatever you think you can swing. I agree, Serial Killer Johnny, it does seem like a good resolution to not do so much serial killing in 2011. And Dirty Butt Dan, I am fully in support of you trying to make your butt not so dirty.

These are all good New Years Resolutions. Americans love – nay, require – a clear starting point, a definite delineation, to start doing anything differently. Playing a shitty round of golf by the third hole? Damn shame you’re going to have to waste six more holes before you can even think about righting the ship after the turn. Pledge to start actually trying hard in school? Boy, that’s going to be a drag – next semester.

And, thus, with January 1 marking the ultimate of all new starting points each year, droves of Americans strive for the perfect New Years Resolution, but most end up stretching, falling back on the same crappy old resolutions that never work, or just making terrible resolutions. For example, a true story: My wife and I were eating a pricey, but pretty delish, New Year’s Eve dinner at Mercato in Philadelphia last night. In the midst of the New Year’s Eve hubbub, about two minutes before the stroke of midnight, we witness a young couple make a break for it. Now, maybe it’s just me, but dine ‘n’ dashing on a $200 dinner bill does not seem to be the best way to start your new year. You probably shouldn’t be resolving to steal more shit from people or ruin more waitresses nights.

We urge you, America, do not make that or any of the following resolutions. They are, in fact, the WORST New Years Resolutions in the universe.

1. “I will get rid of my debt this year”

You know what this resolution says? “I hate America.” Thanks for hating America, Bub. Don’t you know we’re trying to get out of a recession? The only way Uncle Daryl in Waukegaan is getting his factory job back is if you buy more shit. If you’re not living beyond your means, we are never going to have the illusion of prosperity again. Thanks for thinking about no one but yourself, Scrooge. Don’t you know you’ve got to play this whole thing like a fiddle anyway? When the whole system collapses in 2014, money is going to be worthless anyway (cat meat will be akin to gold, though), so let somebody else hold the bag until the bottom falls out.

2. “I will stop drinking”

Is Al there? (Al who?) Al Coholic. Ha ha! How could you try to take away our ability to laugh at your pain, Mr. Heavy Drinker? And what a terrible idea, anyways? Think about it: Without alcohol, would you even have friends? A wife? A child (bastard or legit)? How else, without alcohol, would you learn all of the dirty little secrets about your workplace from your boss? For that matter, how would you ever be promoted without becoming your boss’s drinking buddy? Hard work? Good luck with that, straight edge. If you give up drinking, you will be far less interesting, and the McDonalds are not nearly as likely to invite you to their next Christmas Party if they don’t think you’re going to get wasted and lead naked karaoke with nothing but a Santa tie knotted around your package.

3. “I will spend more time with family and friends”

Okay, unless this is to make sure you don’t stop drinking, this has got to be the worst idea of them all. There’s a reason you always manage to sneak out of that promise to go to Barry’s weekly card game or Sally’s book club – you don’t like them. In fact, you don’t really like people in general. And your family? Sure, you love them. But go ahead and keep it that way by just remembering the good times. Because you know what’s going to happen when you actually start going to visit ole Gramma for supper every Sunday? She’s going to nag your ass about needing to go to church until your ass is rawer than Japanese beef. Maybe you could organize a family beach week? Yeah, and maybe you can go ahead and burn $2,000 in the fire right now because none of those freeloading cousins of yours are paying shit for the house you reserved on your credit card.

Whatever your resolution, LND wishes you the best of luck and a Happy New Year. Unless, of course, you made one of these resolutions, in which case we wish you dysentery.


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