Craziest politicians of the 2010 election

Every politician is crazy. I don’t care if it’s local, state or national. They’re all crazy.

Think about it. Who wants to spend 120 hours a week every campaign season (also known as ‘always’) shaking disease-ridden hands, holding shit-stained babies and groveling to the lowest common denominator of quasi-humanoids on the planet? I’ll tell you who – egomaniacal, megalomaniacal, narcissistic, hollow, powerteet-suckling, detached-from-reality nutcases.

They’re not moral-less or without values. Give them credit for caring about something so deeply. The vapid windbags just don’t seem to function on the same plane as the rest of society. They’re like “special” kids who somehow truly think they’re special; they’re what would happen if you gave a bunch of kids with Down’s Syndrome a box full of Superman capes and told them they could fly. It’s not pretty.

So given LND’s high opinion of politikind, you might say it is rather difficult for the trio of LND staffers to pick one list of the craziest politicians of the 2010 elections. In fact, LND once had four bloggers. We assigned him the task of listing the craziest politicians of all time, and you know what happened? He exploded. Yep, his head popped like a watermelon in a Gallagher routine.

But don’t worry about me. I just had Christine O’Donnell summon Beelzebub to make a pact with me to prevent spontaneous combustion. And I’ll get used to the penis thorns, I suppose.

Speaking of O’Donnell, what better way to start our list of LND’s craziest politicians of 2010

Christine O’Donnell, R-Del., candidate for the U.S. Senate

I promised myself I wasn’t going to get angry, but, seriously, Delaware? You gave one of the most popular Republicans your blue state has ever seen the boot for a pair of Sarah Palin-endorsed breasts that will scorn you when you touch yourself while thinking about them. This is what happens, America, when you let Palin make decisions for you: You get an anti-masturbation crusading airhead who has giggle parties on the Bill Maher Show about her witchcraft dabbling. Delaware has been fighting douchebaggery along its borders with Philadelphia and Jersey for years, but now they are under attack from within. The First Staters need to stiffen up, rise to the occasion and stroke those ballots until they blow their collective load all over O’Donnell’s candidacy. Good judgment is always easier once you expel that demon from within.

Linda McMahon, R-Conn., candidate for the U.S. Senate

I’m not sure who’s crazier – Linda McMahon, wife of WWE founder and walking steroid cabinet Vince McMahon, or her Senate opponents in Connecticut, who have stretched the “She’s the crazy wrestling lady” thing about three yards out of bounds. Ok, I do know. It’s McMahon. Sure, her opponents are retarded enough to run campaign ads with her repeatedly kicking a guy’s nuts inside a WWE wrestling ring, but Linda McMahon was the one actually kicking a guy’s nuts inside a WWE wrestling ring. Now, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with being associated with professional wrestling, it just probably means you’re not fit to fill a seat in the most prestigious legislative body in the world. Sorry, Jesse Ventura, I wouldn’t have voted for your steroid-induced bald head either, even if I did have that poster of you in the American flag bandana and hammer pants in my room for like four years. I will give Linda this: She is a role model. On the eve of the election, McMahon held a rally at the University of Connecticut before having to be whisked away when a scuffle among supporters and protestors turned into an all out royal rumble.

Joe Manchin, D-W.Va., candidate for the U.S. Senate

Joe Manchin, the current governor of West Virginia, wants so badly to distance himself from the party that has delivered his state’s senators to the Senate every year since 1958 that he’s actually willing to shoot Democratic dogma right where the sun don’t shine. West Virginia Dems have always been a little different – that’ll happen when you mix poor inbred day laborers with possum-huntin’, moonshinin’ uneducated rednecks in one big bowl – but Manchin is going far beyond the typical “I don’t toe the party line” shtick. He so desperately wants to not be a Democrat, he refuses to even feel blue. And shooting that cap and trade bill for his coal-staters? Well, shooting one of President Obama’s flagship policy initiatives is probably the closest Manchin can get to actually shooting Obama right in the face. Now, shootin’ up negroes – there’s something that’ll fly with West Virginia voters.

Phil Davison, R.-Ohio, candidate for Stark County, Ohio, Treasurer

If you haven’t seen the video, just sit back, make sure all sharp objects are put away, do not eat or drink anything for fear of choking and click here to see THE MASTER … OF COMMUNICATION!!! Keep on pacing, Phil. That’s the way to get that crowd feeling nice and comfortable.

Jimmy McMillan, The Rent is Too Damn High Party-N.Y., candidate for  New York Governor

The name Jimmy McMillan sounds like a Ben Affleck character in a movie about two down-on-their-luck Irish kids from the mean streets of Boston. Or, in other words, a guy from any Ben Affleck movie. But, in reality, McMillan looks like Samuel L. Jackson had he beaten out Anthony Hopkins to play John Quincy Adams in Amistad. Frankly this man – nay, this legend – is both hands down the craziest politician in America and the most entertaining. “Listen! Someone children’s stomach just growled. Did you hear it?” We here at LND hear you, Jimmy, and we don’t know how New York could possibly not vote for the man who is going to provide a “roof over your head, food on your table and the money in yo’ pocket” over a couple of “Politics as Usual” candidates who have not heard you and taken seriously the best, most rock solid campaign platform since Sally Jones won third grade class president with her grassroots “Pizza Every Day for Lunch” Party movement. I mean, has there ever been a greater need for New Yorkers than making the rent not so damn high? I think not. Get on board, people.


3 Responses

  1. Phil Davison would beat them all in a fight. Even if Jimmy McMillan is a karate expert.

  2. I just found out McMillan didn’t garner enough votes to have a guaranteed ballot spot next election. Guess we’re all in for higher rent, and significantly less joy.

  3. I don’t know, man, training always wins in a fight. And Linda McMahon has got training. Now that she lost and has nothing else to do but go back to the WWE, she really should give Davison a call, though. Put that man in a pair of lace up boots and spandex tights, and you’ve got one of the best wrestling villain monologuers of all time.

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