Who’s the Top Terrible Late 80’s/early 90’s Comedic star?

A dozen Yeungling’s and other assorted “goods” helped me to determine two things. First: KFC’s S.O. G. Double O. D. Good song is the fucking worst piece of marketing crap ever to be defecated onto the ears of unsuspecting Americans. Whoever the genius marketing rep who thought of this “catchy” tune should catch something himself. (Yes, I meant crabs.) It’s stupid, non-musical, flib flab that my 3-year-old nephew could have spewed. I hope KFC, or KGC?, either way, I hope they both fail miserably.  Second: Steve Guttenberg is a tremendously overrated 80’s/90’s comedic actor. After stumbling home, having the lady of the house shun me for more traditional 2:26 a.m. festivities like ignoring me, and sleeping,  mixed in with a little Puerto Rican screaming to boot, I grabbed the remote and cut on the TV. The first channel to come on was HBO2 and to my utter delightment what was on?  Three Men and Fucking Baby!  That’s right, Larry David’s best friend (sorta) on Curb, Magnum P.I., and Detective Mahoney himself, gallivanting around like nannies. And you know who had the best quips? Guttenberg. Trust me. Go back and watch it. Despite all of this, it got me thinking about other cinema mainstays of this era, leading to the inevitable debate: 

 Who’s the Best Terrible late 80’s/ early 90’s TV/Movie Comedic star? *

 Just for sake of argument these people will not be on the list so don’t go wondering: Billy Zabka (no bullies), Michael Winslow (You need at least an actual line in a film you’ve been in), Chevy Chase (derailing a sure historical career b/c you HAVE to do blow gets you eliminated), Arsenio (See Chevy, but change blow to burning bridges), and, unfortunately sans…… Yakov Smirnoff (What a Country!).  

 So hold on to your laugh tracks, cause Elizabeth, this could be the big one

Robert “Bobcat” Goldthwait  I dare you to sit there and tell me that when you first saw him in Police Academy you didn’t do one of three things: 1)Try and talk exactly like that, all the while damaging your vocal chords, 2)scream for anyone who wasn’t witnessing this voice to drop what they are doing and make it a point, or, 3)stare aimlessly wondering if you should laugh, or be concerned. I mean it did seem as if he was having an epileptic seizure with each extra syllable pronounced. From partnering up with the guys of C.O.P., to befriending a horse in Hot to Trot, to Scrooged, I must applaud this comedian for sustaining a solid decade career by using his one-of-a-kind voice. As coked up and heroin-filled as it may have been assisted by, it was something that was once in a generation. I mean the sheer terror I would have exuded had he ever spoken to me in person like that would be legendary. Take a second and let that commence.

Rocky Dennis, Ha!

Scott “Carrot Top” Thompson  

  The first time I ever saw Chairman of the Board I laughed hard….out loud. Not at the absurd notion that Edison (yeah, that was his character’s name) would ever have the business sense to run a Fortune 500 company. No, I spit up my cool delicious Fresca not at him, but at the hijinks that ensued. His voice was a mix between a high falsetto, and Yahoo Serious in Young Einstein. Who eerily looks similar to our hero. I swear there was a Humpty Hump/Shock G situation happening. Anyways, I welcome you to watch a Scott Thompson comedy special and not clamor for what gag prop he comes up with next. Nevermind that he never got the chance to head another television, or movie, vehicle. Or that he’s grotesquely, and unnervingly jacked. Or even that he wore an amazing amount of make-up. Which just so happens to go against my very fabric. And though my collar may be smudged,  my cheeks are hurting from the thought of a drinking glass with a forehead heater to prevent brain freeze.  

 …..and ladies and gentlemen, my undisputed Champion

Pauly “The Weasel” Shore  I first encountered this asshole trying to recruit the wrong Blade Brown to rap for his charity dance in a little cinematic touch of genius known as Class Act. That ridiculousness led to more senseless babble in Encino Man, Bio Dome, and my all time favorite for being a complete waste of time and value to anyone ever associated with its inception, Jury Duty. I mean seriously, has he ever been laid? EVER?! And if so, what cheap desperate whore opened her legs for the weeeasellll? Man I hated when he said that. With that fucking smacking sound that he did while saying it. The very fact that I made you say that in his idiotic chant just killed me a little. Nonetheless, Pauly Shore managed to squeeze multiple leading roles without having a smidge of talent, or comedic timing. I laughed, you laughed, and now we are all laughing harder at ourselves for wasting our more formidable years on such a numskull. His word, not mine. Wait, he’s dead you say? Oh, that was just another terrible movie he starred in? You don’t say. Sadly, you do.

*My apologies to two Runner’s Up if you will. Howie Mandel thoroughly entertained me with not only Little Monsters and all of its Talking Heads awesomeness, but Walk Like a Man as well. And let’s not forget THE best Saturday Morning Cartoon of all time- Bobby’s World. Uncle Ted was a nut.  Also, to Gilbert Gottfried. Yes, you were funny as the principal in Problem Child. And sure you almost stole the movie from Robin Williams in Aladdin, but it was your hosting of U.S.A.’s Up All Nite that kept a prepubescent Dunn up way past his bedtime. WAY past. 


4 Responses

  1. Meshach Taylor two hits with the mannequin series to barely a role in class act

  2. Hollywood has a place all his own. But he couldn’t make the list because most people that know him are middle-aged women who clamour for Designing Women reruns on Oxygen, WE, LMN, or whatever other estrogen filled channel pays them residuals. Good call though.

  3. Khi was sitting beside me half-watching TV and half-being nosy when I was reading this post and he pointed at the pic of Carrot Top present day and said “Wow, that is a scary looking girl!” Lol..Out of the mouths of kids.. Btw, Pauly Shore just did a comedy show here at the Funny Bone a few weekends ago. Adam just shook his head when he heard it on the radio.

  4. That’s hilarious. And tell Khi he’s right. That chick IS too muscular!

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