Better racist rant: Mel Gibson or Floyd Mayweather Jr.

Whatever happened to the days when heroes were heroes — real American, square-jawed, apple pie-loving, pure, chaste, wholesome role models? Like back in the days when men were men, like John Wayne, and we could all dream of getting on the diamond with legends like Ted Williams or Mickey Mantle.

Wait, what’s that? Wayne was a racist asshole; a self-described white supremacist who believed many black folk shouldn’t be allowed in public? Williams’ Red Sox and Mantle’s Yankees were two of the most institutionally racist franchises in sports history? What the fuck? America used to suck; we just didn’t have cell phones with high quality digital audio and HD video capabilities to record everything and the Internets to broadcast the hate vomit of our celebri-douches to the world.

 All those old, angry, racist bastards can take their “America’s Golden Age” and “Greatest Generation,” slather it in Aunt Jemima syrup, serve it with a side of Uncle Ben’s rice and go watch Uncle Remus on the Disney Channel. Today, with the magic of modern technology, we know how to out our racist demagogues: Just hit play in time for their weakest moment, and let the stream-of-consciousness, full mental meltdown ensue. There’s nothing like a good all out rant to show a celebrity for what they really are. The racist, anti semitic, chauvinistic, sexist, smurfist comments that come pouring out like diarrhea of the mouth not only fairly destroy their conjured images but provide fun and entertainment for us all for years to come!

So thank you Youtube, Ustream, Twitter, celebrity blogs, hidden cameras and cell phone recordings! If it weren’t for you, we could never debate the better racist meltdown of 2010 — English, Jew, women and black hating actor Mel Gibson or professional boxer Floyd Mayweather Jr., able to demean more than a billion Asians in a single blow.

Mel Gibson’s “Raped by a pack of N[bomb]s” rant

In early July, acclaimed actor, Oscar-winning director and hate-filled drunken anti semite Mel Gibson’s career took another beating worse than Jesus in Passion of the Christ when a slew of recordings featuring Gibson partaking in wild, huffing tongue lashings of his baby mama, Oksana Grigorieva, made their inevitable way to the Internets. Aside from these recordings serving as a reminder to the general public to run immediately in Gibson’s presence and as a future teaching aid in college psych classes for generations to come, one particular clip includes Gibson dredging up more racist comedy gold from the shit-stained rotted corpse that is his subconscious. We’re not sure what was better: Gibson browbeating Grigorieva about how terrible her fake boobs looked  (“They’re too big and they look stupid. They look like some Vegas bitch. They look like a Vegas whore”) or then shoving off into a 19th century style tirade about how she always goes out in public looking like a skank. But, hey, Mel knows What Women Want, so she must have had it coming. Gibson’s frustration over Oksana flaunting her Grigorievas all around town boiled over into lynch ‘em level racist territory when he kindly informed her that “you look like a fucking bitch in heat. And if you get raped by a pack of n[bomb]s, it’ll be your fault.” And who said chivalry was dead? Mel’s not playing blame the victim here, he’s just trying to save his fair maiden from black people. Unfortunately, I think old Braveheart is confusing black people with wild roaming packs of zombie dogs that feed on white women’s vaginas. Don’t worry, Mel, asshole racists have been making that mistake for years.

Floyd Mayweather Jr.’s “Make me a sushi roll” rant

Where Mel provided anyone in the universe with access to the electromagnetic spectrum unintentional comedic gold, Pretty Boy Floyd in September decided to try his hand at some racist standup for his peeps on Ustream. And his delivery is flawless: He warms up the room like any good Alpha Dog contender of the ring would by telling the word what he’s going to do to national treasure and demigod of the Filipino people, world boxing champ Manny Pacquiao. And so the comedic formula goes, the first step in successfully burning someone is to make fun of their physical appearance. Pacquiao just so happens to be a pocket man. Floyd says: “The fans ain’t gotta worry about me fighting the midget.” Check. Good job, Floyd. Step 2 in the comedy play book is to make fun of someone’s ethnicity, but toe the line so you don’t go crashing into “So a kike and a wop walk into a bar” territory. Floyd says: “Once I stomp the midget I’mma make that mother fucker make me a sushi roll and cook me some rice. He better make me a shrimp tempura cut roll.” Alright, a little harsh, but good enough. Check No. 2. Moving on … Wait. Floyd? Are you listening? I said moving on. No, no, you’re done with the ethnicity requirement. Oh shit. Michael Richards alert. CODE RED! WE HAVE A MICHAEL RICHARDS ALERT! Here Floyd goes: “You know how it is, we gonna cook that mother fucker with some cats and dogs.” Well, damn, Pretty Boy. Now you’ve gone and struck a nerve with close to 2 billion Asians. And if you’re going to make the eat cats and dogs joke, at least do it right and make it about a Chinese guy. (Don’t worry, I just sent a Michael Richards racist stand up alert on myself. Jeff Foxworthy will be here to castrate my comedy in five minutes).

The Verdict

Floyd’s racist rant was much more unique, crossing into fairly untouched racist territory, and tackling a generally untouched Pacific island ethnicity of Asian-Spanish descent. He gets racist rant style points for that. Meanwhile, we already know Mel Gibson is a bat shit crazy racist. It’s not 2007 anymore so the novelty has worn off, and Mel is just retreading well traveled ground on a minority that has spent way too much time under the boot of dickfuck white supremacists in celebrity sheep’s clothing. It’s almost like Mel is just on autopilot. Dropping a couple of n-bombs mid rant for Mel is like breathing in your sleep for anyone else.

On the other hand, Floyd is a boxer. Half of the man’s profession is to fight, the other half is to spin up hype by saying terrible, insulting things about future opponents. And Floyd has fought in more than 40 professional boxing matches, meaning he’s been punched in the head probably a minimum of 4,000 times. You can’t exactly expect Shakespeare and Socrates from the man. Mel might be playing old tricks, but in context the man is telling the mother of his child she’s going to get raped by men he probably imagines all have walrus dicks covered in spikes because she has ugly fake boobs and dresses like Katy Perry on Sesame Street.

Sorry, Floyd. Your undefeated record ends here. Your winner, and still undefeated, crazy fucking racist CHAAMPION OF THE WOOORRRRLLLLDDDD: Mel “The N-Bomber” Gib-sooonnnnnnnn!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: