Ain’t nobody gots to know: Most shameful celebrity you’d do

Most men have experienced this moment of shame: You’re hanging out with your friends at a party, some girl straight out of Where the Wild Things Are starts putting the “I’m lonely and will lick your toenails” vibes on you, and, before you know it, your will fades and you bail out the back door with Broomhilda while praying no one notices. The next day the inevitable happens: “Hey dude, where’d you go last night during the party? We ended up playing some sweet strip beer pong with these Swedish exchange chicks.”

You panic. They can’t know you put your James in The Giant Peach. So you lie. “Um, I shat myself. Yeah, damndest thing. That Natty Light wasn’t sitting right with some oysters I ate, and I up and shat my pants. Had to go home.”

“What? You ate oysters?” the response comes. “Whatever dude. Let me tell you about these Swedish girls.” Crisis averted. You would rather have the world think you pooped yourself than know you played pig in Butterfaceandeverythingelse’s swamp blanket.

On the flip side, who hasn’t played the old celebrities I most want to bang game? May the overly intense, three-hour debate over Angelina Jolie, Scar-Jo, Jessica Alba, Megan Fox and Emma Watson ensue (Wait, Hermoine’s 18 now, right? Yes? Sweet.) This classic late night debate is most likely to result in pseudo-gay man wrasslin’ as testosteroned up dudes let out the sexual frustration accumulated from the fact they have no more chance to bed any of said super hotties than my spayed dog has a chance of giving birth to a litter of Thundercats or Matthew McConoughey and wife Camilla Alves have of giving birth to a baby genius (“Vida is Portuguese for life, and that’s what God gave us this morning,” McConoughey said about the naming of his most recent child in January. Nice observation, Matty. Is your next child’s name going to mean “Slimy, gross and kind of blue” in Chinese?)

Anyways, so what would happen if we combined the reality of “Girl I’d do if no one was looking” with the surreality of “Celebrity I’d most want to touch with my nasty bits?” Surprisingly, an amazing smorgasbord of kink, shame, infectious disease and nightmares.

In order of least to most shameful, here are the celebs I’d do the Hokie Pokie with if nobody ever had to know:

6. Brooke Hogan

Brooke is young, nubile, supple … and like 7’3. Unless you’re into playing little spoon while Yao Ming with tits makes you suck your thumb and think of a happier place — like a prison shower — you should probably pass on this one. And considering Brooke’s weird Daddy-can-you-rub-my-ass relationship with fake wrestling legend Hulk Hogan, you’d probably end up in a tag team match you would not want aired on pay-per-view, Brother.

Shame factor: 5 out of 10. Failed pop starlet Amazon women that have public pseudo-sexual relationships with their flamboyant fathers should not be served as a side dish with your summer sausage. Brooke is also stronger than you, so that’s never great for the old pride.

Scar factor: 8 out of 10. If Hulk didn’t actually participate, he would at a minimum be contractually obligated to be in the room encouraging his daughter to show you how a real man puts a penis in a Figure Four.

5. Betty White

Every man aged 25 to 61 has had this discussion: Which Golden Girl would you do? The problem is, with the sad passing of sassy Southern hussy and No. 1 pick in the Golden Girl fantasy draft Rue McClanahan (Blanche Devereaux), 88-year-old Betty White is now the last surviving Golden Girl. Close your eyes, keep a doctor on call and get ready to feed this leading lady of senior comedy your Snickers bar because you know there’s no denying the Jupiter-like gravitational pull of doing the no pants dance with a Golden Girl. Just be gentle; Betty is the last of her kind.

Shame factor: 6 out of 10. Banging an octogenarian is never something you should strive for, but Betty White is hot with the hipsters right now so you’d actually accumulate cred with the under-25s.

Scar factor: 8 out of 10. If you’re lucky, Betty dies before insertion. If you’re unlucky, she starts telling stories about milking goats in St. Olaf mid-act.

4. Courtney Love

Pros: You would be following the footsteps of rock legend and sultan of slacker cool Kurt Cobain; you already know her boobs are surprisingly exquisite thanks to The People vs. Larry Flynt.

Cons: You would be following in the footsteps of the roughly 9,000 mascara-wearing, indie rockers that have turned Courtney’s vagina into Seattle’s own Cave of the Winds; syphilis

Shame factor: 8 out of 10. Having sex with a heroine addict is never something that’s going to go in your trophy case, but if Courtney actually chose to have sex with you your only choices would probably be do it or be stabbed in the neck with a used drug needle.

Scar factor: 7 out of 10. Most likely, your retinas will survive the sight of her needle-pierced body, but Courtney Love is a dirty enough human being that you’d probably need a psychologist to help you bury the experience deeper than the real gun Courtney used to off Kurt.

3. Rachel Dratch

Former SNL funny woman Rachel Dratch is the sort of sad troll woman that, if you agreed to bang her only if she wore a bag over her head, would have a bag at the ready to pull out of her purse. But on the upside, you can feel free to use old Peter Wifebeater to unleash your shame and anguish on Rachel because to her it’s just going to feel like the same ugly stick that’s been beating her since birth.

Shame factor: 9 out of 10. In a long history of unattractive female SNL alums, you will have landed your jet plane in the Kyrgyzstan of female comediennes. Frankly, you’d probably be better off with Gilda Radner’s corpse.

Scar factor: 6 out 10. Although she looks like the lovechild of Rodney Dangerfield and Rex from Toy Story, Rachel is a very funny lady. She’ll teach you how to turn your pain into joy for all, which it will be for your friends when you show them a picture of Rachel and they think you had sex with Elijah Wood.

2. Amy Winehouse

See Courtney Love; increase alcohol, heroine, cocaine and horse semen levels in the blood stream tenfold. If your friends found out you had sex with Amy Winehouse, they would probably excuse themselves to wash their bodies with steel wool. Don’t expect them to return your phone calls, either.

Shame factor: 8 out of 10. Having sex with a passed out near-corpse is not a good start, but the Winehouse costumes your friends will wear each Halloween to mock you for years to come will haunt you.

Scar factor: 9 out of 10. When Amy overdoses while you’re balls deep in a vagina full of war stories more graphic than the storming Normandy scene in Saving Private Ryan and then vomits on herself, you will not be the same. The constant mental image of her snaggle tooth staring at you while you were doing your dirty work would not sit well, either.

1.  Hillary Clinton

Quite literally, you would be suckling from the teets of power. You know you’d do it. You’d rub Hildawg’s nub until she promised you a minor ambassadorship. Most dudes would dust off the cobwebs collecting around Madame Secretary of State’s little diplomat just in the hope Bill Clinton would find out and send a personal thank you letter for getting that righteous hag off her Monica Lewinsky high horse.

Shame factor: 8 out of 10. One phrase: Pant suit. What could be worse than the morning after making the Queen of the Rainbow Pant Suits scream until she saw ROY G. BIV? Peeling off that primary color pant suit to see the horrors of what lies within the Secretary’s chamber to begin with, that’s what. Also, if you are playing sloppy seconds to Slick Willy, you are not leaving a lot of room for self respect.

Scar factor: 10 out of 10. Do you honestly think there is any chance Hildawg’s flower has been watered since the Lewinsky scandal? Not a chance, and that was 1999, probably 8 years after President Clinton actually last regulated that Superfund site. That woman has a lot of demons pent up. There’s no way your Secretary of Snake is going to compromise with Hil’s wide side. She’s going to have you tortured like a Guantanamo Prison inmate, and believe you me you don’t want any part of that water board. Good luck.

If you actually put your bologna poney in any of these cows’ pens, LND won’t mock you. In fact, we will honor you with the Hillary salute.


4 Responses

  1. WHAT? Wrestling is fake!

  2. Yes, but Hulk’s love (and I do mean love) for his daughter is definitely not.

  3. Sorry. Courtney and Amy look like you’d catching something just by being in the same room with ’em. I’d have to go with the “safer” picks of either Brooke or Hilary. Least you wouldn’t have to be really trashed to get with Brooke course Hilary would probably be easier to bag. ;p

  4. Do amy winehouse at your own risk, something tells me once you wake up the next morning with her you’ll be missing body parts and money.

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