Least Shocking Gay Celebrity “Revelations”

This week on Ellen Degeneres’ talk show, Glee star Jane Lynch talked about how Ellen inspired her to come out of the closet and joked about Julia Roberts also being gay.  Despite the joke, it got me thinking that if Julia Roberts were to come out and say she preferred va-jay-jay over man sausage would it really be all that shocking?  Her most public relationships have been with Matthew Perry, Benjamin Bratt, and Lyle Lovett – not exactly what I would refer to as a who’s who of manly men. In fact, I would argue that Julia Roberts is more masculine than all of them.  I’m not saying Julia doesn’t enjoy a good penis – just saying that if she admitted she didn’t I wouldn’t exactly fall out of my seat.

Now, do me a favor and take a look at that picture of Jane Lynch and Ellen.  What do you notice?  It looks kind of like the starting middle infield of a ladies slow pitch softball team.  When these two admitted to being gay it wasn’t so much a Bruce-Willis-drops-his-ring-on-the-floor-because-he-realizes-he’s-dead shocker.  It was more along the lines of a Daniel-Larusso-defeats-the-entire-Cobra-Kai-and-gets-the-girl moment where everyone saw it coming, yet it was still entertaining.

That got the LND crew thinking about how there has never really been a celebrity closet-outing that blindsided the general public (“general public” excludes a few queer dears, fairy collectors, and Claymates).  We turn on our gaydar and present the top ten least shocking celebrity gay “revelations”.

10. Neil Patrick Harris – He is a seasoned veteran of musical theater, has hosted the Tony Awards and the World Magic Awards, and is an actively working magician who serves on the Board of Directors at Hollywood’s Magic Castle.  When he announced that he was gay, if your initial thought was “Hey! NPH wouldn’t do that!” then you clearly weren’t paying attention during all those episodes of Doogie Howser.

9. Elton John/Liberace – These two old school pioneers of pomp are easily the most flamboyant of any celebs on this list with their affinity for fringe, feathers, fur, large glasses, sequins and all around Lady Gaga inspiring weirdness.  However, they are lower on the list than you might expect because they were outed decades ago when the public was less aware of such things. Tangent on Liberace: He supposedly had a live-in gay lover that he paid to have plastic surgery done so that the lover would look like a young Liberace.  That way old Liberace could have gay relations with his younger self.  What a weirdo.  I’ll be interested to see the upcoming Stephen Soderbergh movie about this with Michael Douglas and Matt Damon.

8. Rosie O’Donnell – Rosie does a great job of perpetuating the stereotype of the angry bulldyke.  Rosie wasn’t fooling anyone from the moment she looked way too natural playing baseball in her very first film A League of Their Own.

7. Lance Bass – So you are telling me that the feminine looking member of N’SYNC, whom even the hordes of female followers of the boy band didn’t find appealing, is gay? That’s crazy talk. The best part about Lance Bass is he tried to maintain his fame after Timberlake left and took 90% of the group’s talent with him by following in the footsteps of the Rocket Man Elton John and trying to become a cosmonaut.  When that fell through he bought himself another 15 seconds of fame by shouting “I’m gay” as the reporters were walking away.

6. Ryan Seacrest – This American Idol host has seemingly managed to clone himself (which may account for his diminutive stature – everyone knows clones don’t come out quite the right size) so that he can host about 18 different shows.  Even his current girlfriend Julianne Hough knew he was gay before the tiny tot host admitted to bei – Wait a sec!!  Did that say current girlfriend?  Seacrest hasn’t come out of the closet? Well then, moving on…

5. George Michael – In fairness to George Michael, all 80’s pop stars were a little feminine.  However, Motley Crue and Duran Duran had girls all over the place in their videos.  In George Michael’s videos the only sexual tension was between him and his guitar player.  Nobody was shocked by this one, but it gets moved down the list some because of the way he was outed – getting busted by a cop for a sexual encounter in a men’s room.

4. Martina Navratilova/Nancy Lieberman/Billie Jean King/Sheryl Swoopes/Female Athletes – There is a reason these women are interested in the male-dominated world of sports.  There is a reason that the Dinah Shore Classic LPGA event is known as the “Lesbian Super Bowl” and there is a reason that things like this only happen at WNBA games.

3. Clay Aiken – There were about 38 heartbroken “Claymates” in September 2008 when Clay finally broke the news to the world that he was gay.  The rest of “Clay Nation” including the “Claysians” (Asian fans), “Claynadians” (Canadian fans), “Clayropeans” (European fans) and “Claydawgs” (male fans) were already in on it. (No, LND did not make up any of those terms. Those are all way too gay to have come up with ourselves.)

2. Siegfried and Roy – Obsessed with magic? Check.  Exposed chest hair? Check.  Frosted tips? Check.  Fake tan? Check.  Botox overdose? Check.  German fellas that enjoy the wiener schnitzel? You betcha.

1. Ricky Martin – The man with one of the largest gay followings in history tops the LND list.  There is not a single person in the world who was shocked by this one – not even William Hung.  He bangs!  He bangs!


3 Responses

  1. Ok, this had me giggling all morning! :D

  2. Now that’s funny right there. I don’t care who you are.

  3. R U sure the WNBA video wasn’t from an episode of ellen?

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