Combing through the thousands of FCS, Division II and Division III mascots is akin to taking part in a psychology experiment where you’re strapped into a chair and forced to watch images of violence: After a while you just feel angry, befuddled and ready to lash out like a rabid mongoose (Surprisingly, the rabid mongoose is not any of these colleges’ mascot).
Apparently not content with sports mediocrity and marginally gifted athletes, second tier college sports programs feel the need to cement their second rate status with a smorgasbord of subpar characters roaming the sidelines of their sports fields. Whether it be smug smartasses at prestigious liberal arts colleges for the cocaine addict kids of the smarmy New England elite or the bong-toking youth of California’s counter culture, the often quirky student bodies of smaller schools have tended to lead to some very strange, strange mascot decisions across the nation. Except in the Midwest, where the future factory workers of America are too dumb to come up with anything beyond the animals they see in their back yards — gophers and badgers aplenty. Ah, you can always rely on America’s Heartland to be as plain as Tilda Swinton eating vanilla ice cream on white bread.
But I digress. The point here is that there are so many terrible mascots in the pantheon of FCS, Division II and Division III college athletics that there is simply no way one man, at least with a life that doesn’t involve living in his mother’s basement and spending 14 hours a day playing Second Life, could adequately survey the entire collection and come up with a perfect list. So, LND has opened this final installment of lamest mascots up to write in ballots, which we will consider when we run the poll to pick the ultimate lamest mascot in all of college sports later this week.
Without even scouring the thousands of atrocious options available, we still managed to come up with some pretty fetching selections, including our No. 1 — what has to has to be, hands down, bar none the most hideous, disturbing, discomforting, bizarre, misguided, foul and unsettling mascot in the history of sport. (Perhaps only behind the Ancient Athenian Fightin’ Prepubescent Boy Love Slave)
This mascot is a perfect metaphor for undergrads from small schools just pleading for anyone to pay attention to their team: He’s small, annoying, is constantly chirping at you, tries to act tougher than he is and, ultimately, you just want to laugh at his whole tough guy routine. Fighting Squirrels — that’s about as intimidating as the Fussy Babies. Although, maybe if Mary Baldwin gave its squirrel a light saber it would look a little tougher.
I understand state universities wanting to represent something unique about their state with their mascot, but someone has to have the common sense to just say no to repping your state’s favorite chicken. I mean, there are so many other great things about Delaware the school could have chosen. Like … wait a minute. No there’s not. Well then, they could at least not dress the chicken up like an emo chick in a skirt with spandex tights underneath.
Entry No. 1 from those quirkier-than-thou Californians. The only problem is UC Irvine misses all of the comedic potential with their big F.U. to RaRa team pride by not replicating the utterly bizarre awkwardness of the anteater’s body. In fact, what is going on with Peter’s body? His ripped biceps are almost as out of place as Nick Cage’s toupee. What sick, sadistic bastard gets an anteater all cracked out on steroids and then unleashes its ‘roid rage on an unsuspecting public?
I’m not proud of this, but the fact that the camel is named “Gaylord,” which makes me giggle, is 99% responsible for the camel making this list. The other 1% is the fact his tuft of hair looks just like Nick Cage’s toupee.
6. Williams Purple Cow
I like how Williams athletics is so meaningless, even it’s mascot doesn’t pretend to give a shit. However, we’re not sure if this mascot is a reflection of pretentious New England boy’s prep graduates trying to show how jocular they find sports or if it represents the women at Williams. Don’t worry Williams boys; I understand. If the ladies of my college had a trunk like the Purple Cow, I’d want to return to the warmth and comfort of spooning my boy’s prep roommate in a heavy wool blanket during a Cape Cod winter, too.
Nothing says honoring the founder of perhaps the world’s most prestigious university by blowing his likeness up into a big silly bobble head and making him appear to be a ruddy cheeked alcoholic with a cleft lip. Boy, that is a face even a blind Saigon whore couldn’t love. You’d think the rich fuckers stockpiling Harvard’s endowment could at least cover the plastic surgery bill for ole John. Alas, maybe it’s for the best. John Harvard should look tortured and tormented being forced to watch athletic frivolity. The Puritans were, after all, giant buzz kill, cockblocking tight asses.
Let me be the first to admit I am actually a giant fan of the Banana Slug. Entry No. 2 from California is one of the only examples in all of academia that properly hits the offbeat mascot sweetspot by expressing just the right amount of irony, humor, “we don’t give a shit” and “go fuck yourself.” I mean, does anything say apathy better than a slug? Alas, any objective human being has to admit that this mascot is undeniably terrible, all creative license aside. It’s not like there’s any shortage of things about the banana slug to make fun of. For example, try and find a picture of the banana slug where he’s not wearing Converse Chuck Taylor All-Stars. Now UC-Santa Cruz, here I was thinking you all were trying not to be stereotypes?
With all due apologies to Oklahoma State’s Pistol Pete, THIS is the mascot I am most afraid is going to rape me. I know trolls aren’t supposed to be pretty, but isn’t it a little odd that the mascot for a Christian school appears to have herpes? Somebody needs to go to confession! So how does a Christian college end up with an evil, sinful beast like trolls as their mascot? TRinity cOLLege Students. No, Trinity. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not acceptable.
When your state’s flagship university is already reaching down the mascot well all the way to a scary pig, you know little U. of Arkansas-Monticello was going to have pretty slim pickins when it came their turn to pick a mascot. But the most awesome thing about this glorified 1950s-era depiction of a Martian isn’t the fact that Arkansas-Monticello chose to inspire its fans by selecting as its mascot an insect that destroyed the lives of their ancestors by wiping out Arkansas’ cotton industry. No, that little bit of irony isn’t half as entertaining as the fact that the boll weevil sets a nearly unbreakable record for phalluses on one mascot — not only are his antennas a pair of parallel needle dicks, but his schnoz is the sort of warty, lumpy, bulging, left-leaning meat club that porn starlets have nightmares about.
Speaking of phalluses, actual geoducks — the world’s largest burrowing clam, native to the waters of the U.S. Pacific Northwest — look like the sort of wrinkled, beastly horse cocks that have stolen the last shreds of dignity from Tijuana sex show performers for generations. I’m not the only juvenile-minded idiot that thought so, considering the Chinese have stimulated (hehe) a bustling geoduck fishery by considering the fleshy gastropod a culinary delicacy that is both an aphrodisiac and “enhances virility.” OK, new rule — if Asian people think your mascot is going to help them be big man, pleasure woman long time then you should immediately burn your mascot costume and start over. Evergreen State probably has some fierce rivalries with the Directional State U. Raging Tiger Penises and the Tech Fightin’ Blowfish.
Editor’s note: Although the mascot was retired in 1999 when Elon College decided it was too big for propagating blatant oxy morons when it became Elon University, the Elon Fighting Christian is and always will be the worst college mascot of all time. What would Jesus do? Well, LND’s staff theologian tells us he is fairly certain he wouldn’t have gone around trying to fight everyone. Here’s to you Elon, for making the sort of terrible decision that will haunt you until your dying day when God can ask you, “So where did I start to confuse you?
Filed under: Random, Sports Tagged: | Campbell Camels, college football, college mascots, Delaware Blue Hens, Elon Fighting Christians, Evergreen St. Geoducks, Gaylord the camel, geoducks, Harvard, John Harvard, Mary Baldwin, Mary Baldwin Fighting Squirrels, mascots, Nicolas Cage, Peter the Anteater, Tilda Swinton, Trinity Christian College Trolls, UC Irvin Anteaters, UC Santa Barbara Banana Slugs, Williams Purple Cow, worst mascots